Tales of Idiocy and Woe...But Now I'm CRAZY in California!

First post in FOREVER!

2008-02-12T17:43:00.001-08:00

Yes. Yes it is. I'm not bloggin' much since I got nefariously hooked onto Facebook.

Anyway, check this out.

That's the way, uh-hu uh-hu , we like it!

It's about time someone did something about that. God bless America.

Until Next Time (whenever that is),

The Armchair Geek

Something hilarious!

2007-06-01T13:20:00.000-07:00

I haven't been on here for a while, but this movie about several people I know should make up for it:

LOL!

Until Next Time,

The Armchairu GEEKARU!

And in other news...

2007-04-02T00:59:00.000-07:00

...Things are looking up for a Bittorrent site based in...uh, where are they now? Sweden? Norway? Sealand? Well, either way, I'm sure they read this already and, realizing the implications for their brand of unsavory activity, popped the cork on a bottle of chapagne. In related news, this means that it will be a little while longer before Blackjack ends up in prison! HA!

Until Next Time,

The Armchair Sealandian Bucaneer

What is going on in Redmond?

2007-03-30T16:37:00.000-07:00

Okay. Second gripe of the day. I honestly think that this commercial contains stock footage of the software development department at Bungie Studios. I mean, Bungie.net has the announcement of new Halo 2 maps that are going to be released on April 17th. They'll be offered for $4 and they'll add extra venues to get your frag on...but wait a minute! The announcement reads that one is called "Tombstone" and is actually the Halo 1 map "Hang em High" where as the second map is called Desolation and is actually the Halo 1 map "Desolation". Now the textures on the walls are different, and "Tombstone", er, "Hang Em High" has water in the trench, but WHO does Bungie think they're fooling?

Apparently, Bungie took some lessons from ole' sneaky Bill Gates! Why make new maps when you can, with 1/20th the work, jazz up a bunch of old maps and sell them again? Didn't people buy Halo 2 in order to buy a new and better game? I mean, Bungie could have saved themselves a whole load of money and simply added the Halo 2 maps to the original Halo!

Oh, and while we're griping about Halo, can anyone figure out why I have to buy Vista to play Halo 2 for the PC? I mean, who cares about the rapid install garbage? It's NOT using DX10 and it's a 4 year old game that ran on the original XboX, which was a PIII 700 mhz with a 64 meg Geforce 3 series card!

Will Bungie and Microsoft quit screwing around and start making things worth spending money on? This is enough to make a guy chuck his PC out the window...but don't worry. I'm not going to do something INSANE like buy a Mac or something. I was thinking about picking up an Amiga though. Until Next Time,

The Armchair "Angry at Kirkland and Remond" Geek

Give the guy applause!

2007-03-30T16:11:00.000-07:00

Okay. It's been coming on 8 months since I've officially worked in high tech (or at least medium tech?) but I am always amazed at how there is never a shortage of n00bs do completely crazy things. For example, if someone bought an XboX in like 2000 and used it until it completely broke, what would that person do? Try and fix it? Send it back to Microsoft and demand a refund 6 years out of warranty? Smash it?

No. Those are all semi-logical, and not befitting a true n00b. HECK NO! Instead, a true n00b would try to sell it on Ebay, advertising it as an

NON WORKING BROKEN XBOX GAME CONSOLE

Now THAT is hilarious.

But, what's even more hilarious is the fella who's currently bidding $15.50 on it. (Check the link...it should be down in a day or so...and the bid was at it's level when I posted this. Maybe it's hit $40 by the time you read this!) I miss Asian Poodle Sprinkler Computers...no wait. It's been long enough since I've been gone. All the people who used to read this blog don't read it anymore, seeing as there's no tech stories on here (short of this one) to laugh at...and the lawsuit from this guy that is mentioned here is long past (it got thrown out of court after the judge convinced the guy that his computer had not been hexed by a rogue voodoo shaman who was working for me...and being paid in chicken heads...*wink*), so I guess I can divulge the information about where I used to work.

Drum roll please:

ASIAN POODLE SPRINKLER COMPUTERS was...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

Not going to be revealed at this time, hence there is a possibility that I may be HEADED BACK this summer!

WHAT?

Yes. After serving my tour, there's a chance that Sarge will be calling me back for my skills. POW's to save and Noobs to Napalm! GOOD LUCK MEN! I'll keep you all informed.

THE GEEK MAY RISE AGAIN!

Until Next Time,

The Armchair "Well, if you want a cheap XboX, I've got one last option! This one here was in a forrest fire. I don't have the foggiest idea what an XboX was doing in the middle of the forrest in the first place, and beyond that it's not in the best of shape. I mean, it's kinda melted and there's a dead woodchuck in it. It stinks like baked woodchuck and I'm pretty sure it doesn't work at all. BUT, it's $5!" Geek

HULK SMASH SASKATOON INSURANCE AGENCIES!

2007-03-23T16:38:00.000-07:00

Okay. I'm freaking ticked today. Not JUST ticked, but FREAKING TICKED!

When I come back, I am going to throw a Molotov cocktail at Saskatoon Insurance Agencies. My plates are SGI and I have direct withdrawal for my payments and everything is simple and worry free. My license and Autopak, on the other hand, are apparently impossible to pay for.

I called them today to attempt to renew and they said "well, just mosey on in and pay it up. $400 is what you need."

I tried to explain to them that I live in California and that's easier said than done. So, I'm supposed to renew my license in person in Saskatoon. They cannot take VISA or Interac over the phone, and they need my signature on the paperwork so I cannot get someone else to do this for me without faxing them a letter saying how I'm allowing them to pay for me.

What a headache.

This is half the cost of my insurance, and SGI lets me do everything over the phone for my insurance! ARGH!

I need a nap! Stupid Sask Insurance Agencies!

Until Next Time,

The Armchair "Hyper Annoyed at Sask Insurance Agencies" Geek!

Wowzer!

2007-03-21T13:50:00.000-07:00

Well, I just had a stupid thought. If Alektorophobia is "the fear of chickens", then would that person be afraid of themselves, since they're chicken about chickens? That would be crazy. Everytime they would see a map they'd go NUTS!

Hopefully they wouldn't be allergic to nuts either. They'd be dead within minutes of being born.

Dare to think deep.

Until Next Time,

The Armcha...MEEEEEE MEEEEE! CHICKENS! CHICKENS EVERYWHERE! GET THEM OFF ME! ARGHHHH!

*bloody death by poultry attack*

Some news.

2007-03-19T23:08:00.000-07:00

Here's a random and dumb thought. I discovered a new sensation yesterday. It's very frightening pulling up to a red light, looking in your rearview mirror and seeing a late model Toyota Camry, driven by a large hispanic woman, coming at you with it's nose digging into the ground and smoke coming out of the wheel wells because the driver is slamming on the breaks with everything she's got.

That has honestly never happened to me until yesterday, and I hope it never happens again.

Check huggies.

Huggies good.

Until Next Time,

The Armchair Geek

A thought to nobody about nothing...

2007-03-15T01:00:00.000-07:00

Seems to me that in the last several months, I've encountered several nobel laureates who throw up some pretty aggressive slander and rhetorically unsophisticated insults, and when people get offended or call them on their faux pas, they seem to consistently say "I was being SARCASTIC!".

So as of now, I'm going to start being even MORE idiotic when I use sarcasm, in an effort to set an example for those people who think that they're clear writers (I'm talking about you Hairless!) . And truthfully, nobody believes the "I was being sarcastic!" line...I stopped getting away with that in like grade 8! If you're going to write sarcasm on the interent, where nobody knows you well enough to know how lousy or Mark Zielke (yes, he's been an official adjective for over a year now) your sense of humor is (I'm preaching to the mirror here...), don't think that the people who "don't get" your sarcasm are stupid. It's much more likely that that you're neither as clever nor as good a writer as you think...and problaby not even close. I should know. I think I'm the best writer in Gotham City, and that city doesn't even exist! (See how easy that obvious sarcasm was?) So either write serious or write crazy.

This Public Service Announcement has been brought to you by Asian Poodle Sprinkler Computers and the International Federation of Competitive Eating.

Until Next Time,

The Armchair Rabindranath Tagore

Some thoughts on theoretical physics...

2007-02-13T12:07:00.000-08:00

Here's a deep poem on theoretical physics inspired by a message I found on a message board somewhere. Either way, this is a very insightful ponderance on the spacetime continuum:

I once dated a magic lass,
and now I tell in rhyme,
How she broke the continuum
of matter, space and time.

She never gave me any space!
No matter where I was,
She was there annoying me
Her reason? "Just Because!"

And with a few assorted words
could slow time to a bore;
made conversations feel to last
A century or more.

Though I exerted energy
And gave all I could give
Einstein might say it fell apart
cause of her relatives.

************************
And no, it's not about you. Not even close. You know who you are. Fruits of a bored mind! Until Next Time,

The Armchair Geek

Oh dear me...

2007-02-02T01:31:00.000-08:00

...I found this on Youtube: a clip of the funniest episode of "King of the Hill" ever, where Bobby is enrolled in a women's self defense class and learns a single, but effective technique for self defense. Of course, a 12-14 year old boy yelling "That's my purse" adds to the tremendous comedic value! BEHOLD:

It's amazing how the stupidest stuff is sometimes also so consistently hilarious. "I DON'T KNOW YOU!" Amazing...Until Next Time,

The Armchair "That's My Purse!" Geek

Oh...and...

2007-01-27T19:07:00.000-08:00

I always wondered about this. Now I know where to go to buy that stuff! Next time I have $100,000,000 lying around, I'll skip Ikea and buy something REALLY cool! YEAH! Until Next Time,

The Armchair "Soon to be building an island fortress from which to unleash my evil schemes" Geek

Oh MAN!

2007-01-27T18:57:00.000-08:00

Brodzki, I found you a job. Check this out! Screw Pirate Bay...send a resume to HavenCo. and start your OWN Torrent site! Put those terrabytes to work in international waters! Man! ONLY in the 21st century...and WHY didn't I think of that? Until Next Time,

The Armchair Geek

Something Many Need to Hear...

2007-01-26T10:35:00.000-08:00

This is for my old homies at Asian Poodle Sprinkler Computer. I've got a present for you. If ever you're dealing with one of *those* types of customers, tell them you have a web page they should see:

You won't have to say anything; you're only sharing a cool web page with them. You're welcome! Until Next Time,

The Armchair Web Page

Almost a month has gone by...

2007-01-23T16:44:00.000-08:00

...and no posting from me. I think my "blog break" before Christmas ended up being almost a "blog coma". So, seeing that I don't have much to say right now, I'll simply give a list of things that are crazy about California. Here's my top ten list of "What drives me CRAZY in California":

10. The cost of living. I'm renting a room for more than what rent, food, insurance, and gas all cost me last year. I don't know how any single people survive off less than $12/hr, even with room mates and such. It is honestly insanely expensive here.

9. The hours of stores. There seems to be no "uniform hours of business" down here. Going to buy things outside of 9am-5pm is simply a crap shoot. You don't know what will be open. Some places (like the grocery store Ralphs) are open all the time. I've gone and bought groceries at 1:30am. Other places are closed when they should be open. I was in San Fernando several weeks ago and wanted to get something to eat at 10:00pm. The Subway was closed. The Burger King was closed. The Jack-in-the-Box was closed. I had to have KFC because it was the only thing open at 10:00pm on a Friday night...in LA. I have been puzzling over that one for weeks.

8. The prices of fast food. I've noticed that restaurants can have as much as a dollar variation on their menu items in a range of a few miles. There's a Subway near my house where something is $4.09, and on up in Sun Valley is $4.69 and one in North Hollywood is $4.99. You think people would notice where things are the cheapest and go there for stuff. Apparently not.

For those Saskatooners who read this, imagine if the two Burger Kings on 8th street (Center at Circle and 8th as well as on Louise, down by Blockbuster Video) had a $.90 difference on their Whopper value meals. Would ANYONE not drive down 8th street to save a buck?

7. The price of gas. There's also like at least a $.30-40 spread on gas prices down here. Check out gas price variation in Burbank and Saskatoon. And it's not like the gas stations arefar apart either. You'll see two gas stations, with a 20 cent difference in price, on either side of an intersection...and people are filling up at BOTH. For this reason alone, I sometimes suspect that a majority of people in California are simply illiterate.

6. The telemarketers. I can NOT believe how bold they are down here. I constantly get those automated calls, where it's a recorded voice and they're trying to get you to re-mortgage that house you just bought. But then, there's the real live people who completely and totally try to hornswaggle you. The other day, a guy called to get me to subscribe to a local newspaper. He was speaking REAL fast and told me he'd send me a subscription to the paper, which I told him I didn't want. He then completely ignored me and told me that he'd send me a complimentary subscription for like 3 months, and then asked me for my Visa number and expiration date for some suspicious charge. I asked him why I needed to give him my credit card information for a complimentary subscription to a paper, and he talked so fast I couldn't understand him, muttering about some sort of charge. He tried to get my credit card information like 5 more times, and I told him in no uncertain terms that I did NOT want the paper and would NOT accept any bills for it. He then, completely ignoring my protest, told me that I'd get a bill in the mail for some sort of charge and I spoke in loud Tarzan English "ME NO WANT NO THING FROM YOU. ME NO WANT YOUR PRODUCT. DO NOT SEND IT." I felt like I was in the movie Boiler Room.

I've also had 3 seperate people attempt to get me to give them my bank number and pin, all using quite unsophisticated rhetorical tricks. I was polite with the first guy, but with the last one I laughed at him, out loud. I then simply asked him what planet he thought I was born on and promised him that there was no possible universe where I would give a total stranger access to my bank account information. I also insulted his dog. (I wish Rob Chura could have handled that call. I would have loved to see how he would've handled it.)

5. The amount of people. There's just all of western Canada in 1/3 of Vancouver Island here. To say that it's packed tight is an understatement. The In-and-Out Burger in Burbank has a 10 car line up in the drive-thru like every moment it's open. I've never seen less than 1,000 people in Ikea. The Mall is packed on Monday at 10:00am. I don't know where everyone comes from, but they're here.

4. The amount of concrete. I tell you, I miss Saskatoon for nothing short of it's parks (Let alone Calgary and Banff!). A park down here is a patch of brown grass with 2 swings and a few trees...with some high voltage lines running through the middle. If there are nice parks with rolling, lush grass and huge, shadey trees, I simply haven't seen it yet. I think down here those are called "Golf Courses".

3. The Smog. I remember one day when I looked down at LA and thought, "Man! That's a low cloud cover". Then I realized that the clouds were dark brown and I couldn't believe it. It's not THAT bad here in Burbank, but when you drive over the hill into LA on some mornings, it's honestly gross. Then, when you see it against the mountains, you realize that you're breathing that stuff in. I would not be surprised at any statistics regarding children who are brought up here and chronic lung problems. Some mornings, I long to stand in Caronport and smell the dairy farm "smell" wafting over the highway, let alone the smell of the air outside after a spring rain storm...or better yet, right before. When the air's all charged with static electricity and you can smell the rain coming. That's a good smell. Smog is not such a good smell.

2. The amount of traffic. It seems that all those people are have a common schedule of when's a good time to "go somewhere". Sadly, I've been caught up in their mad "dash" and spent 2 hours driving 15 miles. After that I understand why everyone has automatic transmissions down here...though I cannot understand why there are SO many jacked up 4x4's down here.

1. The roads. Brodzki, get down here RIGHT NOW. Whoever designed the roads down here was crazy-go-nuts. So many roads have like 3 different names, and all at the same time. Also, half the freeways have no actual connection to each other. You look on a map and think that the 170 and the 134 will merge, but no-o-o-o-o-o-o! You have to get off and take like 7 turns to get onto the 134. Even with a MAP I get lost down here, but only because half the time I simply cannot figure out how to get onto the road I want and have to keep driving so as not to get smoked by the 75 mile an hour traffic around me.

What's worst of all is that every road is called "North" or "South". I don't have a clue why, but when I'm driving "North" and have two exits, one called "something road North" and one called "something road South", and I want to head EAST, I get confused. I've learned to go places by trusting the directions that people give me as opposed to attempting to make sense of the signs. I mean, take 170 North and turn onto 180 North and then turn onto 210 North. How can I turn "north" like 3 times?

**********************
So just because it sounds like I'm ranting and whatnot, I am. But if you think that I hate California, I don't. There's a whole lot of cool and nice stuff down here too. The beaches are really sweet, the weather is awesome in winter (though summer is nutso hot), I've met a ton of great people, I go to a fantastic school, I go to an amazing church, etc. Don't think I hate it. There's just some things that are silly/strange/crazy down here. Until Next Time,

The Armchair Whining Weiner.

- Oh, and I actually didn't insult his dog. What kind of horrible person does THAT?

Merry Christmas!

2006-12-25T11:49:00.001-08:00

Merry Christmas n00bs!

Enjoy your lump of coal! HA! Until Next Time,

The Armchair Santacide

Fi-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-anlly...

2006-12-15T01:59:00.000-08:00

The GEEK has returned!

Well, it's been a good time out firing automatic weapons with senators and hanging out with intergalactic warlords. I bought some new "self defense" hardware and Xenu still thinks Tom Cruise is too high strung for apparently being a "functioning" diety. Then again, I beat Xenu at checkers like 4 times. Noob tries to read my mind, but I read his mind and know what he's doing so I just put up a blockade of pictures about kittens. Bad news is that it turns out that several intergalactic warlords/dieties are really bad at checkers. Good news is that I won, and now am sovereign ruler of, an entire star system.

Ya. You know that middle star in Orion's belt? Well, apparently I now own it. Xenu gave it to me for beating him, fair and square (aka. out-cheating him and checkers). There's not much out there except raw minerals a little backwater planet called Kolob, which apparently had some contact with the Incas or Aztecs or something, way back when. Yeah...who cares.

Anyway, I'm back and blogging and apparently being recruited to fight some extremely rude aethiests on a blog of a friend of a friend. Aggressive atheists are the most hilarious people ever:

Atheist: "I don't believe in God and I demand that you prove God exists."

Armchair: "Uh, if you don't believe in him then why are you wasting your time by asking me to waste my time trying to prove the existence of a non-existent being/whatever to you?"

Atheist: "Well, religion is what's wrong with the world. Religion is the cause of every war and every political problem and every rape and every natural disaster and it makes everyone sad and blah blah blah so if I disprove the existence of God, then everyone will be happy and there will be no more war."

Armchair: "Hmmm. I thought the real problem in the world was people who apparently are smart enough to figure out the world's problems but to stupid/lazy/hypocritical to get off their fat bums to actually do anything about it and instead sit in their basement blogging about how horrible the world is and how every problem in their own life is everyone else's fault but theirs. You forgot to mention that one. So now, for the sake of argument I'll simply grant that God doesn't exist. You win. Now what?"

Atheist: "What? You...huh? Well, I guess everyone should just do what is good and stop judging people and be nice and whatever."

Armchair: "I'm sorry. I don't have a clue what you're talking about. I don't understand the terms "good" or "judge" or "nice" or anything. I feel annoyed at you though, so I'm just going to lash out and come over to your house and pour boiling coffee on you because it will make me laugh and I simply don't care about you anymore and instead want to do whatever I feel will entertain me. Please give me your address."

Atheist: "What? You're an idiot. You want to come over and pour boiling coffee on me? That's idiotic. Why not go out and feed the homeless or do something beneficial for society."

Armchair: "Again, I don't understand these words your using. "Beneficial for Society"? I don't understand that phrase whatsoever. So whatever... Please give me your address so I can come over and cause you physical pain that will temporarily entertain me."

Atheist: "No. I will not give you my address and I will not allow you to do that."

Armchair: "Hypocrite! HOW DARE YOU JUDGE ME?! How dare you try to force your morality on me! BIGOT! SELF RIGHTEOUS MORALIST! FUNDAMENTALIST! HYPOCRITE!"

And on and on...

Anyway, I don't know what I'm going to do, but I'm sure I'll have fun. And NO. I'm not going to tell you where I'll be. Until Next Time,

The Armchair A-Atheist

I'm gone for a while...

2006-11-28T01:02:00.000-08:00

Okay. It's the Armchair Geek here. I'm going to an NRA meeting and Scientology OT Level 10 conference in Slackjaw, Illinois for the next 2 weeks or so, so I'm not going to be around nor posting for a while. If anyone cares, that is. Please send all hate mail to the usual place and don't send me requests to purchase firearms for you.

I'll be completely NOT thinking of you all when I'm firing fully automatic weapons at dead pigs with Charlton Heston...

...But I will be thinking of you when I'm on the mothership with Xenu and we're turning lead into gold by sheer power of thought and talking about his new plans to ruin Tom Cruise's third marriage. (The last two fell apart because of Xenu...he's evil but now that I'm an Operating Thetan Level 10, he's no threat to me due to my vast psychic powers. We often play golf together now.) Maybe if you grovel, you'll get some gold from me. Maybe.

Until Next Time,

The Armchair Travolta

And on the third day...

2006-11-19T23:58:00.000-08:00

...God made Buffet of Death. All other music in history of the world is but a footnote to this band. Truth be told, they actually travelled back to like 3 minutes after Shem, Ham and Japheth exited the ark (via one swift Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick) and invented music. Boys, we thank you. Behold the pinnacle of performance, the supremacy of songwriting, the rhythmic rapture, the liquidity of lyric, the cream of counterpoint, the heavenly of the hardcore... behold the Buffet of Death:

All other bands make music. These geniuses make art. Until Next Time,

The Armchair Buffet

Just so you know...

2006-11-18T14:26:00.000-08:00

Just for all the haters, this is PROOF that I'm not the strangest, nor craziest, nor stupidest person on the internet. Some people should never get their hands on webcams. Behold:

Oh my word. I don't get it at all, but WOW. I feel so normal. Until Next Time,

Fong Sai Yuk

What I do at night...

2006-11-18T11:46:00.000-08:00

....This is what I do when I'm in my car all alone, driving on California highways. I sing folk songs about piracy in Saskatchewan. One day, the Jolly Roger will strike in California! Yeah. The Canadian influence in Cali isn't wide, but it's intense! I'm guessing Tracy Pickle shouldn't watch this at work!

Until Next Time,

Cracker Jack!!

2006-11-07T14:03:00.000-08:00

Okay. It's the Armchair COMPUTER Geek here, ONE LAST TIME. I've had these pictures lying around, and needed to throw them up here. I used to work at a nameless computer store (at least for another 3 months until my 'non-disclosure' clause wears out) where I learned many things. One of the lessons I was wanting to share was how to trick out a desktop computer. Many people get tired of the same old "Gray Box" sitting on their desk, so they go out and buy one of those pretty Macs for like and extra $2,000.

WAIT! Don't run out and pad Steve Job's pockets yet.

NO!

There's another way to give your computer a trendy, modern look:

Get some CASE MODS and trick that pony up baby!

Now I know what you're thinking. "Case Mods? Are you talking about a liquid cooling system or one of those Falcon Northwest automotive paint jobs?"

Well, that's how Bill Gates and Paris Hilton maybe mod their PCs, but let's face it; You're a cheapskate and most likely don't have $900 for a car, let alone a paint job on a computer.

SO, I have an alternative. With only a short trip to the dollar store, and possibly a Quinn the Eskimo, or San Fransisco (the store, not the place), you can get enough cool stuff to give your computer the exclusive flare that you're searching for!

The week that I left Asian Poodle Sprinkler computers, I had a customer bring in the hottest modded machine I've ever seen. It was straight up gansta. I snapped some shots to show all you wannabes how to drop it like it's hot.

BEHOLD:

- First, you need some skylight action

- Don't forget the trick LCD accent lights!

- And last, but not least, a viewing port!

ALL RIGHT! Now you perpetrators can be PLAYAS! I do believe that this is the FINAL installment of the Armchair Computer Geek. We'll now return to our regularly unsheduled "Crazy in California" posts! Until Next Time,

The Armchizzle Chizizzair G-Unit MafoSHO! Best Recagnize!

Clip for Hib...

2006-10-28T20:59:00.000-07:00

Let's STOP the rumors...

2006-10-16T17:06:00.000-07:00

Okay. I know that there's been rumors running around Virginia (and therefore Calgary and Regina) about me having a girlfriend (say it in a falsetto like "Pastor P"). Well, these rumors are NOT true. We rcently broke up, and here's why. When she abandonded the church and announced it to the world, I had to cut her lose. Good luck on your film career babe, but now we're all prayin' for you. On the flip side, this does mean that I can start returning Mandy Moore's calls now...and if ANYONE gives my new number to Paris Hilton, I'm blocking you on my MSN. What a crazy-annoying girl! Calling me at all HOURS of the night..."Let's go crash a Porsche!"..."Let's sneak into Warner Brothers"..."Let's get high on cocaine at the Viper Room and run down the street!"..."Can you post bail for me again?" Sheesh. Until Next Time,

The Armchair E-Magnet

COOL!

2006-10-14T00:42:00.000-07:00

How cool is this? Like super cool? Yeah! Until Next Time,

The Armchair Digital Palm

Why I'm retarded...

2006-10-13T21:09:00.000-07:00

...Well, many people who have known me for a while know that sometimes my mouth gets me in trouble, but not because I try to offend anyone or do stupid things on purpose. I just seem to have the spiritual gift of saying the WRONG thing (like wrong in a crazy way) at the WRONG time. Some people who used to know me in Prince George, BC would remember certain events, like involving comments about shaving armpits and whatnot. Not fond memories, and let's just say that there's not going to be an 'open mic' at any weddings, funeral, graduations, parties or any other public event in my future.

But, some things are still humerous, after the fact. Here's one tale for you about one condition I have: temporary announcing of inner monologue. TAIM is a horrible infirmity from which I suffer. I rarely get TAIM attacks (like when I'm SUPER tired), but when they happen they're usually not this bad:

Pastoral Ministries class.

Pastor in talking about membership training.

So he's going on about how church now has a 1 day intensive membership training and whatnot, and commenting on how everyone at the membership training is told several things. They're told to meet each other. They're told to shake hands. They're told to learn a few things about each other. Then, someone asks "why do you force that stuf" and the pastor worded it this way:

"Well, we're going to die together so we may as well get to know one another"

Infering that when we go to heaven we'll be around each other forever, so may as well start now...but I hear that and think about how a new member could misunderstand that and say:

"What, like right NOW?"

Uh, doh. I'm imagining this new convert coming to this church and being all nervous, and the pastor using the phrase "Well, we're going to die together...". Now basically nobody would think that comment refers to an imminent ritual suicide, but my imagination and my mouth teamed up on me before I knew what had happened. DAG NAB IT!

He stopped, totally caught off guard. Then, thank the Lord, the whole class looked around for who said it and started laughing as he said, "No, hopefully much later!" I'm such a dinglehead. Until Next Time,

The Armchair Austin Powers...AGAIN...

SHEESH!

2006-10-06T20:50:00.000-07:00

Blogger is officially run by headless chickens. I logged into Blogger and there was the option to 'upgrade to blogger beta'. I chose this, and had to enter an e-mail address, but now I have one profile for all my blogs and either I can be the Armchair Geek or the Armchair Theologian...which stinks out loud. I'll try to fix this, but this is beyond annoying. Two years of blogs down the drain! MAN! Until Next Time,

The Armchair (Geek?)

Consider the Following...

2006-10-05T13:48:00.000-07:00

Okay. Strange conversation like crazy...

Now for those who know me or follow the various cacophonous insanities that compose my life, you may remember that I have two interesting room-mates. One is a traveling salesman that is here maybe 5 nights a month and the second is a traveling something whom I’ve only seen twice, until last night. Consider the following:

I’m making some supper for myself and my second roomie comes in. I greet him and ask “what’s up Sven?” (Names have been changed accordingly). Sven tells me that he’s just flown in from Arizona and is just grabbing some clothes and a shower because he’s taking off again. I ask him where he’s going and he says “Munich’. I was kind of surprised and asked him what was in Munich. He told me “work’ and when I asked what kind of work he did he said “uh, networking”. I asked him if he worked with computers and he laughed to himself and said “no”. I then asked him to elucidate about his job and he smiled and said “networking” again. I didn’t want to push it, so I left the matter.

He then asked me if I had thanksgiving plans and I told him that I had several offers outstanding and I was going to have to decide about Thanksgiving. He told me that I ws welcome to go to (City around an hour away in Southern California) and have Thanksgiving with him and his family. I didn’t know he was married, though I knew that he had another house. He admitted that he was married and had several other houses. I asked him where and he started going off “London, Munich, Geneva, Los Angeles, Phoenix, Shanghai, Sydney.) I choked on my milk and said “Wow! You’re like a real world traveler! What do you need all those international properties for?”

His answer: “work”.

Then he left turned, walked out the door and left.

Call me crazy, but does that sound like organized crime or something? Millions of dollars of international property and working a job with no description beyond its title? I can see what would happen if my place got raided by the DEA or something! The newspaper reads:

LOCAL SEMINARY STUDENT IMPLICATED IN INTERNATIONAL DRUG RING

Oh man! I sure hope not! Then again, it probably wouldn’t surprise me, after the crazy happenings as of late! Something new for the prayer list! Until Next Time,

The Armchair Implicated Bystander

My other OTHER blog.

2006-09-30T22:44:00.000-07:00

Yeah. I have ANOTHER other blog. You can check it out here.

And here's a short presentation I put together on how that blog came to be:

TheTheoAmigos. The othe other white meat. Until Next Time,

Lucky Day

Time for some FLAMING Heresy!

2006-09-27T11:07:00.000-07:00

Well, it's time now for some humerous heresy...and some good old "Corn Fed Iowa FLAMING Heresy" at that!

You all remember Dan Brown's theological classic "The Davinci Code"? Well, I've got something new that combines a more conservative, "Left Behind" view of scripture (well, kinda) with the science of "Jurassic Park". "Oh no...here it comes" is probably what you're thinking, and rightly so. HA!

So today, in an anonymous class, we were hammering through some of Exodus, specifically some of the issues regarding the plagues of Egypt. And I got thinking again. Oh dear.

So we were talking about the plagues, that they occured exactly in the way that the Bible gives account, right? When Exodus says that the "Nile turned to blood" and whatnot, it actually turned into blood...like real blood. (And if anyone wants to debate this stuff, that's not the porpoise of this blog. You can go to my serious blog if you desire to fight about this stuff. Try that here and I will respond via freestyle rap)

Anyway, what does blood have in it but hemoglobin, t-cells, etc. and DNA. So whose DNA was it? Well, that's where my new Christian fiction novel would take over. Imagine some biblical archeologist finds pot with blood in it (or in a bucket...or whatever. I'll sort out the fact later). Anyway, through some sort of realistic sounding archeological mumbo-jumbo the archeologist says "Eureka! This jar is from the time of the exodus, so this blood must be from the first plague!"

Then, he takes the blood from the pot into the lab and gives it to a hematologist or something who then says "Dave (my archeologist), this blood has DNA in it!" Then, against government mandates and in an illegal underground lab, they make a clone from the DNA. So, who do they find in the cloning chamber when the clone comes full term and comes to life? I'm open to ideas. I'm currently thinking:

1. Jesus.
2. Moses.
3. Aaron.
4. Adam.
5. Eve
6. Melchizedek
7. A Tyrannasaurus
8. Pharaoh himself!
9. The Rock (playing the role of a Nephilim)
10. Creflo Dollar
11. John MacArthur (my personal favorite)
12. Colonel Saunders (Who also turns out to be Melchidedek...I'd think that would be the funniest.)
13. The Angel Gabriel (probably also played by the Rock)

Any other good ideas? I like the idea of it being God's DNA, and the blood from the nile ends up matching a sample taken from the shroud of turin, leading to this massive conspiracy that is covered up by the catholic church to prove that Jesus WAS God. "But why would the Catholics cover THAT up?" For that you'll have to read the book. Sounds like a real page turner! Until Next Time,

The Armchair Flaming Heretic

Here's what some leading theologians from Yale Divinity School thought of my new book idea (You don't get high quality theological commentary at that OTHER Armchair's website...he's so serious and such a stick in the mud!):

( disclaimer: The Armchair Geek does not support the combination of alcohol and headbanging. Such things originally lead to the JEPD theory and the founding of Gnosticism.)

The most horrible feeling in HISTORY!

2006-09-26T19:52:00.000-07:00

OH MAN! I was on www.CTV.ca today, checking the ole' Cannuck news and whatnot when I saw a little devious link. It looked something like this:

So then, seeing Oscar Leroy's favorite son, I thought to myself "Hmmm...Can I actually watch Corner Gas online?" That sounded too good to be true! Watching one of the only good shows in CTV history online via broadband? Oh MAN! Yes PLEASE!

So I click the link.

Then, I this pops up:

CANADIAN RESIDENTS ONLY? I cannot believe that they won't let me watch because I'm not in Canada. Those Pinkos! Rejected, by my own people whom I so affectionately mock continually!?! The nerve! And guess what CTV?! I'm going to hang out at www.cbc.ca instead. You're stupid website just lost a hit, which drops the daily total of www.ctv.ca hits into the single digits (most of which are Rita McNeil and Kurt Browning checking to see what time their Christmas special reruns are on). HA! For the record, I was the guy who open-hand slapped Lloyd Robertson in the lips for $8 at the Toronto film festival. Next time I see him at the Junos, first guy to cough up a toonie gets to see me steal his toupee. Betrayed in Burbank,

Peter Mansbridge

It's official...

2006-09-12T23:46:00.000-07:00

... My brain is waring against me. Stupid brain! Here I am, trying to work hard and pay attention in class and my stupid brain pulls a stunt like this:

So I'm in a homiletics class today and the class is talking about our textbook. Very solid, accademic dialogue about sermon preparation and whatnot. One of the phrases that was being used was "Fallen Condition Factor". As the professor was talking about this concept and dialoguing with the rest of the class, I got blindsided by my stupid imagination. I'm trying to pay attention and contribute, but my brain imagined this:

Yeah. My stupid brain thinks "Man! That would be a great name for a metal band: Fallen Condition Factor!" I tried to shut it up. Really, I did. Then I coudln't hang on and I started laughing. Oh man. I was so embarassed! So there the class is, talking about some great and important stuff, and the resident Cannuck is laughing like a psycho at nothing. I regained control after 2 seconds, but if the testimony of history has taught me anything, it's that someone, at that very moment, thought I was laughing at them. ARGH! So whoever you are that was commenting while I was chuckling, I wasn't laughing at you. SORRY! My brain was getting me in trouble...again! SHEESH! DAG NAB IT! Until Next Time,

The Armchair Geek

- These 2 hour classes are taxing my attention span SO bad! DOH! (I probably didn't need to make a picture, but it only helps to illustrate what I was fighting against!)

More Crazy Math for the Prairie Chickens!

2006-09-09T23:24:00.000-07:00

Okay. I was reading one of my textbooks tonight and took a break to crunch some numbers. I'm a total chimp at math, but I think this is pretty accurate. This is for all the Toontowners. More math about the crazy amount of people here:

Western Canada = about 9.4 million people living in 2,712,729 square kilometers (1,047,426 square miles)

Los Angeles County = about 9.8 million people living in 10,518 square kilometers (4,061 square miles)

That's 258 times more area with 400,000 less people.

I don't think I'll ever grasp that everyone from Honkouver to Winterpeg lives in an area a third the size of Vancouver island [32,134 square kilometers (12,407 square miles)]. Basically LA county is the size of the area from Victoria to Port Alberni. Brain Freeze. No wonder there's crime here. There's EVERYTHING here!

In an unrelated note, I went to Hollywood the other day and bought a dozen CD's at a crazy huge music store called Amoeba Music. That place is like Virgin Records in Vancouver, but with more obscure stuff. (Hey Dustin: I now own every Ayreon album but one. When you come, bring some cash to buy tunes! What's even funnier is that right now, I'm listening to A Mennonite Tapestry by the West Coast Mennonite Chamber Choir. Didn't see that one coming, eh? Listening to Plautdietsch choral music? I'm thinking that absolutely nobody from California [short of a few hundred Lepps from Reedley] will have any clue what I'm talking about! HA!) Until Next Time,

The Ardillón Trasladado Forzosamente

Episode 2...BEHOLD!

2006-09-03T07:42:00.000-07:00

Okay...first off, I'm thinking that the video portion of the blog will be a tad more infrequent as of now; this latest one ended up taking like 4 hours to sort out and throw together. I didn't realize what time it was until it was too late. So, I'll start collecting footage, but I may take my time in throwing together episode 3.

None the less, here's the next episode in the series. I drove off to Oxnard today for the annual TMS student/faculty picnic. The drive took forever (like 2 hours + on the way down) but it was really beautiful. I'm sure I'll be saying that 3 years from now...lol. The traffic was insane and I almost got side-swiped a few times, but I still enjoyed myself.

On the way home I stopped by "The Guitar Center" in Camarillo and then went out to...well, you'll see in the video. Needless to say, those two places are on the calendar for "must see" in January. If a certain member (or members) of the "Pastor Pump" club were downhere, it would've been just like old times.

So here you all go:

Now some of you prairie chickens can see a little bit of California, and you Virginians can wish you were here! HA! Until Next Time,

The Armchair Ardillón Trasladado Forzosamente

LIVE AND UNCUT! IT'S HERE!

2006-08-29T13:57:00.000-07:00

Okay. It took me a while and let's be honest here; there are tribes of Amazonian Indians, as yet untouched by civilization, that are better video editors than me. Either way, here's a little tour of my house:

More stuff to come in the future...this is just the beginning! Until Next Time,

The Armchair Geek

*Huge props to the CTS crowd for supplying the necessary hardware for this to happen!*

Quick note from the local library!

2006-08-28T15:08:00.000-07:00

Yessir folks,

I'm in a library, blogging away again. I cannot wait until I get internet at home, but I'm surviving still. So, time for the Geek news.

First off, I'm currently uploading (as in this very second) the first installment of my video blog. We'll see how this works. I recently discovered that all that 'down time' I previously had at work should have been spent doing something productive, like learning how to do video editing...HA! I'm the most useless video editor on the planet, but I'm guessing that I'll be getting better. Anyway, my first blog was mad in like 2 hours, and that includes filming time (and 20 minutes of trying to figure out NeroVision...Cam! I need you NOW!) If this all works out, I'll post the link.

As for Sothern California, it's pretty similar to being in the Okanagan. It's hot here, people drive like they're escaping from Godzilla's flaming rampage and it's packed like the beer tent at the Labatt Brier, except that it's packed for around 40 miles in any direction around here. LOTS of people...

...But people aren't as rude as I figured they'd be. I've met mostly nice folks around here...except when driving. Americans have this thing about laying on the horn the second they suspect anything might impede their freedom to violate the speed limit. If you're not off a green light like a top fuel dragster, people honk like mad. I get honked at like 5 times a day, and I'm a fairly aggressive driver. It seems like everywhere I go, there's someone honking at someone else. Kinda strange, especially seeing that the last time I was honked at in Canada was when someone was trying to scare me in the church parking lot. HA!

Hmmm...what else is strange about California (or more specifically Burbank)? Well, there are street signs posted at ground level all over. Mostly one way signs. That made me laugh; I'll have to take a picture of it. There's "one way" signs, like 6 inches off the ground, all over. Bizarre. Must make them easier to read or something...?!?

Oh, and the rap music videos don't lie; everyone and their dog has a vehicle with 22" rims and low-pro tires down here. It's not uncommon to see a $700 Honda with $5,500 worth of chrome on it. Also, there's tons (and I mean thousands) of BMW's and Mercedes down here. I picked up an auto trader and you can get a 4 year old 740il for under 20 grand. No kidding. I might pick one up and drive it home when I come back. Even with border taxes and exchange, I could make an easy $5-8,000 on something like that! I'll check into it though...and I'd probably have to sell it in Calgary!

There's a bunch of food that I can either not buy or not find down here too, and a LOT of things aren't available in huge bulk sizes. (And I'm getting a nasty craving for sausage rolls...oh man...like serious shakes!) That's not that bad though, and Barry was right; I shoulda stocked up on iced tea. The iced tea down here is like "tetley tea", but cold. YUCK! None of the real Good Host stuff. I'll survive though; at least I can have lemonade.

Well, I'm done uploading, so I'm going to Skype some phone calls now. Until Next Time,

The Armchair Ardillón Trasladado Forzosamente

*huge props to Doctor M. Trew on that one*

n00bing it up in Cali-for-ni-a!

2006-08-18T10:22:00.000-07:00

Well, after 3,279 kilometers, a few too many episodes of "Corner Gas" (I nub lappies) and spending over a hour trying to find a room in Provos, Utah (when every single room was packed, although there was nothing happening in the city...all them mormons must hate staying in their own homes!), I'm finally here.

I'm in Burbank, California! W00t! I got into my place last night, finded an Ikea and a K-Mart, got all the stuff that I needed and had a sleep. (This is my first post from my new lappie 486 too! How am I posting, you might ask? Let's just say that unsecured wireless connections grow on TREES down here!)

So I headed down to my school today, met my faculty advisor, secretary, etc. and it's pretty sweet. My house is a freaking dank, but what's a playa to do? That's what I get for renting 'sight unseen'. Good news is that since I live in the local crack house, nobody will ever break in to my place to steal my lappie 486. And I'm NOT kidding. The place I'm renting looks like a crack house...it's the most rubbed-out skid pad on the block. When I pulled up to start unloading all my bars of gold, the neighbor walked up and asked said "So, new tennent? Well, are you going to mow the lawn this time?" (The "grass" is actually tall enough to conceal an engine block...I AM tempted...) Apparently my landlord doesn't maintain it....not that I mind. The neighbors are all scared of the crack house, so that's fine by me. Anyway, I shouldn't complain; God is gracious in giving me a place to live, and I can always move!

Okay...and as for all the tech vents that I've had coming that I couldn't post while I was working at Asian Poodle Sprinkler Computers (I'm on contract to not divulge info about the store for 6 months...so KEEP waiting!), they're coming. I'm a busy little beaver today though. Gotta get my Social Insurance Number, gotta buy a phone, gotta get my membership at the YMCA, etc.

And, to answer the million dollar questions:

"WHAT'S HAPPENING TO YOUR BLOG NOW?"

Well, It's turning into an "Adventures in SoCal" Blog! I'll change it over in the next few days or so, but I've got a digital camera and people down here are kinda crazy-go-nuts; I had to remember how to drive in the city...i.e. the kind of driving that requires screaming. (Like screaming "LORD! I'M COMING HOME!" as you pound the gas in an attempt to merge into 75 mph traffic on the I-170) I won't spoil the fun though. I'm anticipating LOTS of humerous observations from a Saskatchewan Farm/Tech Bum living in Crazy-Go-Nuts, California. Consider yourself warned,

The Armchair ? (?What am I now? What's the Spanish word for "forcably relocated Gopher"?)

LISTEN UP BUCKWHEAT!!

2006-08-10T09:40:00.000-07:00

It seems that this blog, unlike my weak-sauce sissy theology blog, has lots of readers...and that's easily understood. Everyone loves reading stories about stupid people doing stupid things, especially if it's NOT them! And y'all are wanting a new post, with a funny story about more flaming n00b action! Well, if it's n00b action you want, then n00b action you'll get! Tune in this Saturday for "N00BS GONE WILD: SUMMER SLAM IN SASKATOON!"

That's right chumps. All 4 ofyou, my readers, are invited to:

PARTY AT MY PLACE ON SATURDAY!

Yeah. I'm leaving for California next week, so I'm having an open door party on Saturday. I'll open the doors from around 6 until midnight and I'll have the barbeque running for a while. Bring drinks and whatever food you want, but I'm going to be totally cleaning out all the food I have, so come to goon! I have so many different groups of people wanting to see me that I figured that I'd simply have a party and let everyone come over who wants to! Spread the word!

PARTY! PARTY! PARTY!

Oh, and I'm at (content removed by federal witness protection program). Or you could look it up in a phone book, find it on the map, and show up to let everyone know that you're litterate and can figure out a freaking map! ANYONE WHO DOESN'T SHOW WILL HAVE THEIR WORST NIGHTMARE COME TRUE: YOU'LL APPEAR ON THIS BLOG AND BE MOCKED FOR YOUR ILLITERACY! (Fear is always a good motivator!) You can call me at home (382-XXXX) if you have any questions.

Spread the word!

PARTY! PARTY! PARTY!

Another Grey Matter Peek!

2006-08-04T08:48:00.000-07:00

Quizes...Such easy posts and so stupid. For Some Reason I Enjoy Them Almost As Much As Useless Capitalization! I stole one from a friend today and did it, but then wasn't very happy with the quiz; it seemed kinda full of meaningless questions.

I would suggest that quizes need to ask more questions that are not of the 'daily diary' strain. I want to see a quiz with questions that are interesting, and possibly entertaining, like:

Colonel Sanders & Peter Mansbridge vs. Dave Thomas and Dan Rather in a cage match: Who wins & why?

If you could travel back in time to ONE major concert/musical/opera, when an why?

What's the worst place ever to pee your pants?

If you could live one day in the life of any member of the band K.I.S.S., what would you do?

What's the worst uniform/suit you've ever had to wear at work?

What's the food/drink you hate the most but don't want to admit to hating?

What's the worst place you've ever hit on an employee at a business/restaurant? (and YES, you have!)

If you had to spend $5 million in 1 hour, what would you buy?

What's the CD that you don't want anyone to know that you listen too?

What's the book you wish everyone would read?

Would you rather take a .22 bullet in the bum or get hit by a relatively slow moving vehicle? (say 40 kph) Why?

Have you ever thrown something at someone with intent to hit them?

Who in this world needs a pie in the face more than anyone else?

Have you ever kissed somebody in a Janitor's closet?

Have you ever cried in public to get someone else in trouble?

Have you ever bough a meal for a person you've never met?

Have you ever picked up a hitchhiker?

Have you ever stolen something from a police officer?

Have you ever failed a job interview?

Have you ever recieved someone's resume at the place where you work and NOT passed it on to your manager/HR person?

What's the song that you cannot listen too, ever, because it reminds you of an ex/fling?

Have you ever used "henchpeople" to pull a prank or do you always get your hands dirty?

Have you ever pulled a prank that took more than an hour of preparation?

Have you ever been 'shushed' in a movie theater?

Have you ever sang loudly in a public place when you thought nobody was around to hear you?

What food could you sit down and eat a whole carton/bag/box of in one sitting?

Have you ever shot an animal and killed it?

Have you ever been attacked by an animal?

Have you ever paid someone to do something you didn't want to do? What was it?

And so on and so on... I think quizes should dig deeper into the person so you can know them better, or just be stupid and hilarious and entertaining. Anyway, feel free to answer any of MY questions, though that's not an official quiz. Until Next Time of Boredom,

The Armchair Quizzing Nancy

Oh snap!

2006-08-03T09:16:00.000-07:00

I knew it would happen. I knew I would do it. I swore I wouldn't. But I did. I'm such a FOOL!

I looked up "Los Angeles County Concert Listings" in Ticketmaster.

September 18th, Dragonforce is playing in LA.

September 18th, I'm going to be living in LA.

September 18th, I'm most likley going to be at a Dragonforce Concert (for $18!)

AND what's worse is that the Gigantour will be in the area on Sunday, the 9th (Megadeth, Opeth, Arch Enemy, Lamb of God, Arch Enemy, Overkill, Sanctity, and The Smashup). Tickets for that are $15. I'd pay $15 just to see Into Eternity, let alone Megadeth and Arch Enemy! HA! I'm in trouble...

I've gotta stop know. Ignorance is bliss. It's just SO hard...I'm living in a city where the biggest shows to come through town in the last year were Def Leppard and Hillary Duff, and they were months apart. (Def Leppard was a good show too) Now, I'm moving to a city where every band that is making music plays there once a month. I mean, on Ticketmaster, the "next 60 days" listings for the LA county area came up with 735 hits. Oh man. 735 shows in the next 60 days. Most of them are crap, but at least 5 should be good shows! This is not good! ARGH!

The Armchair Rockzilla

I love these things...

2006-08-02T21:39:00.000-07:00

My therapist urges me to share more, so put on your psychotherapy hats and prepare to call the mental health authorities. Here's something that I plagarised from Meredith Lilly's blog, though I changed SOME of her answers. You have to guess which ones:

Accent: Hyundai. I know cars like crazy!
Booze: Yes Please.
Chore I Hate: Being alive.
Dog or Cat: Both, and LOTS of em'. They can slow a S.W.A.T. team down by several critical minutes when you need to make an escape.
Essential Electronics: Are you insinuating that there are some electronics that aren't essential?
Favorite Cologne: Napalm. It smells great on annoying customers.
Gold or Silver: I don't care. Whichever Visa has airmiles I guess.
Hometown: The Marine Corps is my home! Boo-Rah!
Insomnia: Which brings us back to DOH! I'm sorry...I'm tired. What was the question?
Job Title: Retail Pinata. Annoy me until merchandise comes out.
Kids: Insomnia.
Living arrangements: Van down by the river.
Most admirable trait: telepathy...and telekinesis. You never knew that was me until now. HA!
Number of sexual partners: Did my mother put you up to this? Sheesh! We were just kissing!
Overnight hospital stays: Well, that depends on how often I have an 'incident' in a year. So far, I'm doing good at 17!
Phobias: Customers...and the Oscar Meye Weinermobile. That car scares the tar out of me!
Quote: "One Soda. 8 Ounces. How much?" -You know who!
Religion: NRA.
Siblings: One.
Time I wake up: Whenever I hear the choppers over my house.
Unusual talent or skill: Ability to molecularly transform any substance into Colgate by the power of thought.
Vegetable I refuse to eat: Quarter Pounder with Cheese. (the miracles of food processing! "No meat was used in the preparation of this hamburger!")
Worst habit: After making a sale, I often celebrate by firing my sidearm wildly into the air. I really gotta stop doing that!
X-rays: Only my left eye. My right can see both Gamma and Cosmic rays too.
Yummy foods I make: Verns Pizza. I prepare it with two ingredients: Visa and Phone.
Zodiac sign: Blasting Zone ahead.

**********************************************************************************************

Okay. Another glimpse into my delicate psyche! I hope that was as enlightening for you as it was for me. Until Next Time,

The Armchair Counselee

A little math project...

2006-08-02T08:47:00.000-07:00

So I've been doing lots of research into California as of late. I've been working on memorizing a map of Burbank (my new home in TWO weeks), I've been learning all about California law (and American banking), and I've constantly been using Google Earth to find where things are in relation to my new address. This morning, in a fit of semi-time wasting, I checked out some population numbers and performed a little math. I honestly cannot get these numbers into my head:

As of January 1st, 2005, the state of California had 36,810,358 people living within it's boundaries.

Los Angeles County had 10,226,506 people, and it seems to average growth 141,435 people per year. (So basically 2/3 of Regina move to LA County every year. *yikes!*)

the city of Los Angeles, come January 1st 2005, had 3,957,875 people in it, so I'm pretty sure it's over the 4 million mark now.

Other than Los Angeles, there are 87 'suburbs' of LA City in LA County, with an average of 72,053 people each, and 15 of those suburbs are in excess of 150,000.

It's literally just city down there. Going on forever and ever! Just along the oceanfront, from Santa Monica to San Joaquin Hills is over 60 miles...pure city. One suburb after another. On the northern tip of the 'concrete jungle', from Yucaipa to Hidden Hills, is over 100 miles. (That's like from Saskatoon to Chamberlain...all city! Oh Man!) It's just a crazy-go-nuts contcrete jungle.

Anyway, I'm going to have some interesting times down there. For those of you who haven't heard, this blog (my tech/venting about work blog) will still exist after 2 weeks. I'll be leaving the sweatshop though, so the blog will change accordingly. It will change to a "Adventures in being mugged" blog, a sort of ''venting about California" blog. I'm sure there will be several hilarious antics to report, and plenty of funny stories of Americans who don't know anything about Canada...and so on.

Oh, and I MAY go shopping somewhere in California and put all my crazy stories to use...Soon I will be the idiot customer! Oh, and on a hilarious closing note:

I was in Regina yesterday, at Best Buy. I was visiting a close friend and she wanted to run to some 'techie stores' to check some things out with me and pick my brain (aka. be seen in public with your royal hotness here). Anyway, she wandered off and I was fondling some cell phones at Best Buy. One of the sales monkeys comes up to me (one of the computer/cell guys) and we started talking about cellular plans, EVDO, Windows Mobile 5 and whatnot. By the end of the conversation, I ended up teaching him a bunch of things and telling him how to use Bittorrent (which he had never heard of...lol). I even showed him how to load a torrent client onto the Best Buy floor computer, showing him how easy it is to pirate software like a Hutterite prostitute. I cannot believe how silly some of the sales guys are at some big box stores. As if I would trust a guy like that to help me buy a computer. Nice guy though, I think he bleached his teeth. Probably is in the managers office today, right now, getting screamed at like Mel Gibson in Lethal Weapon.

"WHAT THE FISHSTICKS! YOU WERE DOWNLOADING HACKED SOFTWARE FROM A SWEDISH WEBSITE ON THE FLOOR COMPUTER?! ARE YOU BRAINDEAD? YOU'RE FREAKING FIRED DOUG!"

Honestly. What a Doug. Big Box stores hire monkeys (albeit nice, well mannered monkeys) to sell stuff. BUT, You've all got 2 more weeks to take advantage of my 'crazy-go-nuts' pricing. No price is too crazy! Come ON in! I'm losing my mind and you're getting CRAZY deals! Until Next Time,

The Armchair PirateBay

(Weberta. You said you'd be buying a compie from me in August. I'll sell you something in Cowtown from out here, over the phone! I'll go nuts! Promise!)

Ding the Dong Dell: Part TWO!

2006-08-01T23:26:00.000-07:00

JUST KIDDING! That person didn't call back. BUT, there was something funny that happened lately regarding a Dell:

There’s something to be said for the concept of price matching. It usually has to be done “apples to apples”, i.e. the prices on the same products can be matched. It’s astounding how SO many people don’t grasp this simple concept.

I guy calls me a day or two ago, asking about a price on a specific model Toshiba notebook. Ironically, I have something along the lines of what he’s looking for in stock. He asks the price. I tell him that it’s $898 and then he asks me if I’d match a competitor’s price. I asked him if he had found another vendor in town with the same product for that price. He then proceeded to tell me that Dell has a similar machine on sale for $799 and wanted me to match Dell’s price.

I asked him if Dell sold the Toshiba notebook that he was asking about. He laughed and said “no, they’re Dell. They sell DELL!” I then proceeded to ask him where he could get that Toshiba notebook. He didn’t know. I then proceeded to attempted to talk him into a cheaper notebook, of a different brand, that was a better deal. He stopped me and explained that he wanted the better price on the Toshiba, not some other crappy notebook (his words).

I then told him that I could match prices on similar notebooks, and “similar” means “similar brand and model”. He protested and told me that I should give him the “Dell price” on the Toshiba. I tried to explain how the Toshiba was a more solidly built unit and had a better software package, and therefore was a more costly brand, but he refused to listen. (And I admit that I was thinking about the “ground beef at Midas” comment…but I held back! Props to me!) I tried a few illustrations to help communicate the idea that “different brand names cost different prices” but he was stubborn in his position, so I made him a deal. I told him that if he could call Toshiba and get them to sell him my model of the Toshiba notebook for that $799 Dell price, I’d sell it to him for $699. He laughed, agreed and said that he’d call me right back.

I never heard from him. I’m guessing that Toshiba offered one to him for $599 and he went for that one instead. Man! At least he could have called me and thanked me for getting him $300 off his notebook purchase! The nerve! Until Next Time,

The Armchair Jack Roberts! I WON’T BE UNDERSOLD!

The PLP's Found Me!

2006-08-01T23:13:00.000-07:00

Okay. A few days ago, two of the most stereotypical geeks I've ever seen came into my store. You know; quite overweight, not too kept up hygienically, making lustful comments about computers and making plenty of horrible jokes.

The one guy came through the door, looked at all the PC's and laptops and boisterously exclaimed "Oh boy! I feel like I'm in heaven!" I looked up and almost laughed. The two of them pranced around (that’s right. I said “pranced”) and joked about how awesome “WOW” would be on this and that.

You know you’re in the presence of true geekdom when everything is referred to by it’s acronym. It’s not “World of Warcraft”. It’s “WOW”. And “Counterstrike” is “C.S.” And “Dungeons and Dragons” is “The Game”, which is what is meant by “Game Night”. Geeks don’t play poker…they apparently still play “The Game”. Oh, and when you hear the word “larping” in a sentence, that means you’re in the presence of men who don’t floss. Don’t EVER ask what “larping” is. Just turn and walk away. (Mr. Pizza - They actually used “larping” in a sentence…)

One of them had to buy something, but he only bought a mouse. He made excuses after excuses for why he wasn’t buying the biggest machine in my store, and it was important that I understand he has the money but doesn’t want to. Anyway, as he was using the Interac machine, he punched in his pin. Then, the LCD on the pinpad says “Awaiting message” as it attempts to connect to wherever it connects to (I’m guessing Space Mountain…It’s a well known fact that Michael Eisner the debit machine). The wonderful geek couldn’t resist and said “Awaiting massage…oooooh! I am awaiting a massage…that would be so awesome! Sarah Michelle Gellar; oil me up!”

His friend and he both laughed.

I puked.

He then looked at me, and with a serious tone, said “It’s okay. I know it says ‘message’. I was just kidding!” and then looked at his friend and smirked, as if to suggest “He totally thought I thought it said ‘massage’! What an idiot!”

They both left, laughing and talking about their upcoming “Game night”. I immediately ran to the Batcave and logged onto my blog! HA! Until Next Time,

The Armchair Geek

How about I PAY YOU?!

2006-08-01T22:13:00.000-07:00

The events of the following tale are completely true, but the facts surrounding the individuals have been altered in an effort to not compromise their witness protection:

Okay. So a few days ago a person comes into my store, shopping for a computer for his mother. In tow is a sibbling brother and another person (I was guessing either girlfriend or parole officer). The mother had very limited needs as she ran a small sweatshop out of the Menno Home in Waldheim, making 'the clapper' and various calibres of depleted uranium tipped ammunition (Saskatchewan...FINALLY putting our Uranium to good use!). In other words, she needed a cheap machine to run Excel and Adobe Sweatshop. I was happy to oblige her, and seeing that her son was an old aquaintance of mine (we were in the same mobile infantry unit in the Yom Kippur War), I gave them a great deal.

Anyway, the brother was kinda looking at stuff and he admitted, early in the process of the sale, that he needed a laptop. I pointed to one of our 'outstock' models (something I needed to get rid of) and said "Itszak? You see this laptop? You make me an offer on this laptop...ANY offer...any CRAZY offer, and it's yours! You name your insanely low price and you can take it home!"

He proceeded to sweat and mumble to his female friend for the next 15 minutes while I sold the mother her little computer. When we finished, he moved to follow them out the door and I stopped them. I told him "Son, you haven't even made me ANY offer on the laptop. I'm asking $699 for it, but from you, I'll take anything! Don't leave without making me an offer! You never know how schmultzed my brain may be today!"

He continued sweating.

He looked at his older brother, and his older brother simply snapped, "Just offer him something stupid for it."

He looked at his mother, and she repeated the statement (albeit in Dutch).

He continued to sweat.

He finally looked at the price, then looked at me, and then blurted out "I'll give you $400 dollars, taxes in!", half smirking and half scared that I'd accept his offer and he'd have just committed himself to a purchase.

I held out my right hand to seal the deal and exclaimed "SOLD!"

Then, in an unbelievable flight of nerves, he just turned and ran out of the building.

His brother and mother picked up their boxes and went after him, yelling "You idiot! He said YES! Go and take it! You got it at like half price!"

He got in the car and waited for them, hiding in the back seat and unable to make eye contact with me.

Couldn't much understand that one. I think I scared him or something, and I wasn't even putting the stress on him. He coulda had the deal of the century! Oh well! He'll never know if I was serious or not; I never got a chance to tell him! HA!

I sometimes have too much fun at work. Oh well. Until Next Time,

The Armchair Mobile Infantry Commander

Laughing and Sobbing and everything in between!

2006-07-30T20:22:00.000-07:00

I was shopping online in my new hometown (2 weeks out...then I'm in California! AWE YEAH!) for a new Laser Multi-Function printer and I found this gem of a customer review (I think this person came into my store recently):

Pros & Cons: The Light Almond or White asthetic colors are and have been on the way out for several years now. It's a shame that the Orientals that produce P.C. Peripherials are hung up on Silver, Black, some grey shades. These colors are selfish and somewhat ugly. But this (Brand X) Laser printer has kept the beautiful secrets of light almond to make your home or office beautiful.

Other Thoughts: It's 90% imposible for you to search and buy the light almond PC Case, keyboard, speakers, and thin 19" LCD monitor, and yes 5 button mouse. The PC industry has turned selfish with black and silver domination.

***************

Laughing out loud. That's quite possibly the most useless product review I've ever read.

Does it work? Don't know.
Does it have any major flaws? Don't know.
Is it easy to set up? Don't care.
Does it burn through the toner? What's toner?
How does it compare to other brands you've owned? Other whatnows?
Is it pretty? Writes two paragraphs.

Some people don't seem to get the purpose of buying a printer. Two weeks from now I won't care anymore, cause I'm OUT of HERE! HA! Until Next Time,

The Armchair Office Decorator

P.S. - $5 says that the aforementioned review was written by Weberta. Just guessing.

The Golden Gong!

2006-07-24T23:38:00.000-07:00

Okay. It's been a while since I handed out a Golden Gong. I should have several times, but I either forgot or was ringing it myself with my sloth. Either way, today was a keeper:

At 7:59pm on my watch (as I was unplugging the "open" sign on the store), a man rode his bicycle up to the shop and wandered in. I greeted him and he smiled, but said nothing. He proceeded to look at laptops and I put away the cash drawer that I was counting. I asked him how he was doing and he smiled again. I asked him if he was looking for something specific and he then said, in as much as I could figure, if I spoke French. ("Tu parle francais?")

I said "non, je ne parle pas francais toujours".

He then proceeded to attempt what seemed to be 2 or 3 other languages, but I amazingly was unable to understand him. So, he started making hand gestures and speaking in what sounded like a middle-eastern language. I couldn't make out a thing. He was pointing at computers, and pointing at the floor, and making circular gestures...none of which I could follow for the life of me. I tried a few things, like establishing if he was shopping or needing some information/advice, but nothing. He eventually went back to speaking French, and I caught enough to figure that his brother likes eating ham sandwiches. Either way, after a few minutes of that, I pointed at the sign and then at my watch, saying "closed!". He was totally confused, so I pointed at the door and held out the key, locking it. I think he understood, seeing that he left...but I hope I didn't offend him.

That only left me with one question:

WHY ARE YOU SHOPPING ALONE IF YOU DON'T SPEAK A LICK OF ENGLISH?

Sheesh. I felt sorry for him, but I was also kinda really frustrated that he somehow thought he'd be able to evaluate and purchase product without the benefit of linguistic communication. I understand his struggle, but wouldn't common sense think to bring along a translating friend? I guess I'm venting because he also came in at 7:59. Murphy one, Armchair zippo. Until Next Time,

The Armchair Translator

Good News!

2006-07-22T20:10:00.000-07:00

I'm only human. The recent spammer attack has prompted me to put 'word verification' on for comments...I kinda lost patience with it. I'd like to apologize to my large body of semi-literate and visually impaired readers...the extra 4-6 letters you'll have to type means that it will take you twice as long to comment on my blog, so plan to make an evening of it. Until Next Time,

The Armchair "This thing needs a retinal scanner" Geek

Pawn at Dawn on the Lawn...

2006-07-22T08:57:00.000-07:00

Now, here's proof that the stuff I invent is half as funny or weird as the stuff that happens in real life. Fo Shizzle! So, I'm here this morning and a guy comes in with a duffle bag full of 'merchandise' asking if we take things in "trade". (Suspicious entrance). I know the answer is a resounding "NO!", but out of curiousty I say "well, depends on what you're trying to trade. If it's a relatively new laptop or desktop, we may definitely take it."

Is it?

Come ON! Not even remotely close. So what was in the tickle trunk?

1. PCMCIA ethernet card for windows 95/98.

2. Magnetic Tape eraser...I've never seen one, but they're apparently used for erasing VHS tapes and cassette tapes. (technology from before the death of Kurt Cobain)

3. VGA to TV adapter for DOS (eeep!) or Windows 3.0 or 3.1, and it's the size of a small laptop...aka freaking HUGE! In the days before S-Video outputs on video cards (circa 1997, But Windows 3.1 was circa 1994), those things were used if you wanted to see your Harvard Graphics pie charts from your Amiga on your cathode ray tube television...you know, the TV's like the ones they had on Star Trek...the one first one. The old fashion kind. Sweet.

(Suspicious products)

Apparently he got it all at a pawn shop, and now is trying to sell it. (Suspicious story). So, just for giggles, I gave him $100 from the till. Just Kidding. I explained to him that his stuff wasn't worth anything, offered him a donut, and bid him a good day. (I was going to write something smart-alecky here, but I'm trying to be nicer online. Apparently some of my friends are scared of being on my blog...so that's a hint that I've become a tad mean. Doh! Don't fear me, for I am a loving, kind, individual! Hugs for all!) Until Next Time,

The Armchair Pawnerer

- On an unrelated note, holding a magnetic tape eraser (very powerful electromagnet) to your head for a few minutes apparently makes your nose bleed. Just FYI.

And THEN ...

2006-07-21T19:11:00.000-07:00

If ANYONE has ever worked retail, or service of any kind, you'll understand the frustration of the 'last second customer'. You know, the guy who shows up right as you're cashing out (or locking the door), and wastes an hour of your time for nothing? Oh man. I always have those, but tonight was a special one.

I'm leaving the store (after I've shut down and it's 20 minutes after closing) and a guy is loitering outside. I set the alarm and then open the door to leave and he tries to sneak into the store as I'm leaving! I blocked the way and said "Hey dude, I've just set the alarm for the night and I'm leaving. We've been closed for almost half an hour". AND, of course, then he starts whining. Not talking to me like I'm a human being. Talking to me like he's a poodle. WHINING.

"Well, I've been all over town (yeah right. He's walking...) and I really need to get a screw to mount a hard drive. I have three screws and I lost the fourth and I need to get it so it doesn't sit loose."

That's what he stood around waiting for...A screw. Not exactly a necessary part.

So then, in my persistent efforts to leave, I lock the door and explain "Well, I'd love to help, but the technicians have all gone home for the night and their parts cabinet is locked. I cannot even get at their hard drive screws."

But he doesn't take "no" for an answer. He persists,

"Don't lie to me! I just saw you lock the door! You have keys in your hand! All I need is ONE screw!"

Now at this time, if he was nice, I'd open the door and hunt around in the back for a screw for him...just as a recognition of the persistence and a sign of respect. But seeing that he got angry at me and called me a liar to my face, I have no concern to cater to him. So instead, I pulled out my keys and told him

"I'm going home. Help yourself and lock up when your done."

Just kidding.

But I DID say "Look bud. We're closed. We've been closed for 27 minutes now. The cabinet is locked. I'm done work and I'm going home and insults and injuries won't change anything. Do you want a lift to wherever you're going?"

He says "Damn it! That stinks. Well, I'll come back tomorrow. I only live over there." (points to an apartment block across the street.

He waiting until 8:25 to come across the street and then squaked that I was leaving.

So I beat him with a spade.

No kidding. I was freaking annoyed.

But, I ended up leaving and went home as he turned around and walked back across the street.

Until Next Time,

The Armchair Geek

P.S. - This post was a COMPLETE fabrication, made to satisfy C and K in Ko. Apparently they check this blog daily for posts and I couldn't let them down. The downside is that the stuff that I make up isn't half as funny as stuff that happens in real life...well, except the story about the 37 inch femur. That one was an instant classic.

But yeah. Didn't happen. I'm not that funny. Sorry. You just got pwned. HA!

Ding the Dong Dell...

2006-07-18T19:53:00.000-07:00

Oh Jerry! I had a good one today! Read on and weep:

Lady: Hello? I recently ordered a computer from you and I'm wondering if I can change the order.

Me: Sure. Who did you buy it from?

Lady: You.

Me: Okay. So can I get your name and number?

Lady: (gives me info)

Me: Uh, i don't have you in my database. Let's try phone numbers. What's you're phone number.

Lady: (gives phone number).

Me: Hmmm. I don't have that in my database either. Did you buy it under a business name or number, or maybe did you give me your cellular number when you ordered it?

Lady: No. I ordered it in my name.

Me: Hmmm. Do you know the name of the salesman that helped you out?

Lady: Uh, I think his name was Raj.

Me: Raj? Uh, are you sure it wasn't Beatrice, or Alice, or Penelope? Those are the names of the other sales guys here, and my name is Gladys. We don't have anyone named "Raj" working here at all. (Names have been changed to not compromise any persons under witness protection)

Lady: What? He was there yesterday? I don't have time for this. Put Raj on the phone. I just want to upgrade something on my order.

Me: (Suspecting what's going on) What store were you trying to call?

Lady: Dell. Isn't this Dell?

Me: Well, actually no. This is 'Asian Poodle Sprinkler Computers'. We're a local company that sells refurbished Dell products every now and then, but we're not a Dell outlet, nor are we connected with them.

Lady: Well, it says in the phonebook that you're a Dell seller.

Me. Well, as I mentioned, we're a local company that sells refurbished Dell products, but you cannot change Dell orders via us.

Lady: What? It says "Dell" in the phonebook...

Me: But we're not "Dell" per say. We sell some Dell refurbished products, but we're not Dell. I mean, did you call us when you ordered it?

Lady: That's false advertising.

Me: (ignoring the accusation) Well, I'm guessing you called 1-800-4My-Dell as opposed to 555-1337 (our number) when you bought it. That's the number I'm guessing you thought you called. Did you get that? 1-800-4My-Dell. That's Dell's number. I'm sure if you called them, they have someone who can take your 'change of order'. I do appreciate your call though...if you ever need service for your Dell, feel free to bring it by our shop! We have A+ certified technicians!

Lady: Well...whatever. I'm calling Dell and complaining.

Me: I'm sorry? Complaining about what?

(Lady hangs up phone)

**********

SHEESH! She dialed the wrong number and gets mad at ME, even when I try to help her find the right number to go buy a product at another vendor! I'd love to hear her 'complaint' call to Dell too. That would be a keeper:

Lady: Hello?

Dell: Hello?

Lady: I'd like to register a complaint. I called a WRONG number and they couldn't help me with any modifications to my order! I'm VERY upset at your service!

***********

Sometimes you laugh, sometimes you cry, sometimes you get angry. Sometimes you're simply stunned. This was one of those times. I'm going home to eat...I need to buy a new computer. Doh! Until Next Time,

The Armchair Raj

Will you shop for me Miss Krebapple?

2006-07-17T09:58:00.000-07:00

Every now and then, people call my store and seem to be confused as to the purpose of the retail store that I work at. They call me and expect me to help them shop for a product that I don't sell, or they call me and expect me to find them the best deal on something at somewhere else. I'm not kidding in the least.

A few days ago, a guy called and was looking for a tiny laptop, with every feature imaginable. H wanted something with a DVD-RW, a gig of RAM, a 100 gig hard drive, wireless N (not even out yet), a dual core turion processor (BARELY out yet), and an 8 inch screen.

I told him that "I don't have anything along those lines..." and I proceeded to try to communicate to him what I DID have. I'm not sure if he understood English (he didnm't have an accent), but he simply restated his 'shopping list' to me again.

I then hopped on the internet and did a quick bit of exploring, while on the phone with him. I told him that the product he was looking for didn't exist. I then found that there were 2 or 3 products that were available in a 12.1 inch screen, and he asked me what they were. I told him the name and he asked me where to buy them.

At that point, I realised that I was shooting myself in the foot so I suggested that he give me his name and I'd call around to see if I could get one of those items in, then I'd call him back.

Then, as a response to my offer to 'order one in for you', he suggested that he didn't want to deal with my store because he'd heard bad things about it; we know our stuff but our prices are way too high and our service stinks. Instead he was wondering if I could shop online for him, find him the best price, and then send him an e-mail or tell him where to shop.

I wasn't shocked, but I almost laughed over the phone at him. "Excuse me? You heard that I'm smart but offer poor service, so you're wondering if you can glean my wisdom without the commitment of purchasing from me?" I went on to explain that I was surprised to hear that and mentioned that I'd love a chance to give example for what fantastic service I CAN offer. I asked him where he heard such things (he didn't know...lol). I tried to explain that I appreciated his vote of confidence in my technical knowledge, but I apparently needed an opportunity to repair a tarnished reputation and I'd go the 'extra mile' for him, if he'd give me the opportunity.

He then said "Look. I don't want to fight. Just give me the number of the other store and I'll leave you alone".

I tried to tell him that I had found the products listed on the internet, on a 'web site' and I would have too look for the phone number on the web site, but as I was saying that he said:

"Geez! If you're not going to help me than fine!"

and he hung up.

*****Hello?

Two things were crazy:

1. A guy calls me, insults me, and then expects me to use my 'knowledge' to do his shopping for him and shoot myself in the foot.

2. For some reason or another, I was playing along. I almost ended up finding the phone number and giving it to him...and I would have if he wouldn't have hung up on me. I don't know what came over me!

Well, so much for that. Even the best of us trip up once in a while. Until Next Time,

The Armchair Shopping Monkey

The Young and the Wrestlers...

2006-07-16T14:56:00.000-07:00

Every now and then, I get customers in the store who come in for reasons beyond human comprehension. A Father, wife and daughter tag-team came in the other day, and in as much as I could tell, I was on candid camera. He was one of the more rude people I've ever talked to (although he's up against competition of biblical proportions), and his wife and daughter were relatively polite and well mannered.

Either way, everything I said he shot down. It didn't matter what I said; he had some smart alec negative response. Things like:

- "I want something cheap! She doesn't need the fanciest thing around..." (I show them the stuff that's cheap...) "I said 'cheap', not 'crap'."

- "Why would I buy that one when I can get this one (holds up competitors flyer) that has a bigger hard drive for $200 more?" (I try to explain to him that the extra hard drive isn't worth the $200 difference) he says "Why should I believe anything you say? You're the salesman!"

- "Do you have any laptops that aren't SLOW?" (Says it in the most abnoxious tone ever)

- (My favorite)

Abnoxious Man: This store has that one for like $699

Me: Oh really? Do you have the add?

Abnoxious Man: No...but I remember what it was.

Me: Do you know the processor?

Abnoxious Man: No. I think it was and IBM. (NOT a type or processor.)

Me: How big was the hard drive?

Abnoxious Man: Uh, like 60 gigs...or 80 or 100 or something like that.

Me: Do you know how much ram it had?

Abnoxious Man: It was like either 500-something or 1000-and-a-bit.

Me: Ah...well, those details would make a tad of a difference to the price. Are you sure it was this exact model, with these exact specs?

Abnoxious Man: Absolutely.

(*sigh*)

Then, after a while, I shifted gears. I put on my "fun cap" and started going crazy. I simply started catering to him and offering him whatever he wanted, to the point of absurdity.

I offered him free extended warranty

I offered him a free upgrade to a DVD burner model with a larger hard drive

I offered him a free printer

I offered him a free bag

I offered him a free mouse

I offered him a free anti-virus program

He still didn't buy.

The first mark of a "corn-fed-Iowa-idiot" is when he admits 3 times that he doesn't know something and then claims he's absolutely certain of it. The second mark is when I offer him $348.96 of free stuff on a laptop that's worth $750 and he walks, in search of a better deal. I sometimes entertain myself too much. For the record, if he would have bought that machine and taken my 'insane' deal, I would have been around minus $150 on that deal. I was glad that he didn't buy though...that would have been bad...but I wasn't worried because I'm that good! HA! Living on the edge! Until Next Time,

The Armchair Dingleberry

Sad, sad news...

2006-07-12T09:00:00.000-07:00

Well, yesterday I sold my computer to my hair dresser. Now I'm proud, because that means that I'm most likely the best salesman since Alexander the Great, but I'm sad because I now have no computer. I'll buy one in a few weeks, but until then, I won't be able to blog much. I'll do what I can, possibly using Captain Insano's "www.MSN247.com" computer or Blackjack's "Pavlo the Pirate", but I don't really know how well that will work. We'll see. I should be sporadic for the next few weeks.

BUT,

This just in. Paris Hilton is as stupid as Paris Hilton. You know things are bad when the hotel 'whoress' (or is it 'heiress') becomes her own adjective; there's really no other standard for her but herself. Apparently she's giving up eating meat and wearing fur, and she's going to abstain from sex for a year. Why? To spend more time thinking about herself! HA! Like she needs to be MORE vain! At the game of life, Paris gets pwned again. Here's the link:

http://entertainment1.sympatico.msn.ca/Celebs/News/ContentPosting.aspx?newsitemid=KP12070603&feedname=CP-SHOWBIZ_V2&show=False&number=0&showbyline=False&subtitle=&detect=&abc=abc

What a chimp. I'm going to try to meet her when I go to California. And I'm going to give her a pie in the face. Possibly not a cream pie though...possibly a hamburger pie. That would be AWESOME! Until next time,

The Armchair Heiress

Happy Anniversary!

2006-07-02T20:34:00.000-07:00

Yes, it's my 1 year anniversary! One year ago today, I started posting and venting on the internet! It's been quite a year, with tons of insanity and pulitzer-class writing coming at ya! In a bit of a trip through this past year, here's some of my favorite posts from the past year, commenting on some of my most memorable experiences at my workplace; The National Rifle Association:

The lady who washed her computer and wondered why it stopped working (http://thearmchairgeek.blogspot.com/2005/08/august-26-golden-gong.html)
The guy who asked me (the sales guy) to co-sign for him on a finance (http://thearmchairgeek.blogspot.com/2005/07/what-ficticious-conversation.html)
The guy who bought the printer that didn’t come with any necessary parts and didn’t work, but bought it because it was cheap. (http://thearmchairgeek.blogspot.com/2005/08/truth-about-bottom-dollar.html)
The guy who told me that he didn’t believe that HP/Dell/whatever tech support was from India (http://thearmchairgeek.blogspot.com/2005/10/duh-duh-duh.html)
The guy who called for tech support to copy movies that he’d rented from Blockbuster. (http://thearmchairgeek.blogspot.com/2005/10/speechless-in-seattle.html)
The sea shells in the printer. (http://thearmchairgeek.blogspot.com/2005/11/she-sells-sea-shells-by-lex-store.html)
My “ground beef at midas” comment…one of my most shining moments (http://thearmchairgeek.blogspot.com/2006/04/me-and-my-big-mouth.html)
The guy who came in looking for a computer specifically for getting tons of porn (http://thearmchairgeek.blogspot.com/2006/05/so-apparently-im-not-counsellor-troy.html)
The guy who called to see who did our financing (http://thearmchairgeek.blogspot.com/2005/07/line-of-all-lines.html)
The lady who wouldn’t buy any computer that was exported. (http://thearmchairgeek.blogspot.com/2005/11/logical-argu-whats.html)

Also, here's a few GEMS that were previously UNBLOGGED:

About a year ago, a customer brought in a computer monitor and asked us to try to fix it. We agreed to take a look at it, so we took it to the back. When we plugged it in, pink smoke poured out of the back. We didn’t have a clue what was wrong, but we told her that it wasn’t worth fixing. We never did figure that one out, but man! PINK smoke? What in the world?!
I was selling a guy a computer and he decided on the computer and everything and as we were at the till, I asked him about extended warranty. He asked me what warranty came with it and I told him that since the computer was refurbished, it came with the standard 90 day warranty. He griped and I offered him a few 1 year extended warranty, but he refused to take it. He kept asking, like 10+ times, if it came with a 1 year warranty and I kept saying “no, but I’ll include extended warranty for nothing”. He wanted me to say “it comes with a 1 year warranty” and I wouldn’t, because it didn’t, but I did keep offering extended warranty for nothing. I couldn’t figure it out, and he eventually got frustrated and left. I could never figure out why he was so concerned about me saying that it came with the 1 year warranty…but my inability to use deceitful rhetoric cost me a sale. Go figure…
A few days after Boxing Day, December 2004, a customer came, complaining. He had bought a computer several weeks before, at the beginning of December, and had seen something on a Boxing Day sale that was cheaper (by like $75) than what he paid for his computer. He basically asked us to stroke him a cheque for the price difference, and seeing that we don’t officially price match it was a Boxing Day sale, we told him we wouldn’t. He got quite angry, and although we tried to explain things to him, he refused to listen. After a bunch of insults and whatnot, he stormed out of the building. I couldn’t believe that one.
On our store answering machine, there was once a guy who called, sounding quite desperate. He was trying to re-install his operating system while remaining on the internet. Apparently he really needed to be on a certain website but he also really needed to wipe and restore his operating system. Talk about ‘not getting it’. I don’t remember what the tech told him, but he was apparently not very happy that this couldn’t be done.
Around a year and a bit ago, a person from a local car dealership came in with a laptop that “didn’t work”. Apparently he somehow spilled an entire 600ml Mountain Dew in his laptop and now it “didn’t work” anymore. Unbelievable. Just for the record, it wasn’t covered by warranty.
Several month ago, a customer brought in a mouse that was “really hot”. One of the service technicians took it into the back to check it out and as he started using it to see what the deal was, it burst into flames…no kidding. There was some sort of short in the mouse and whatnot, but MAN was that tech surprised. That was replaced under warranty. Never seen that, ever.
There’s also a rather strange ‘person’ that has come into our store from time to time. There’s a transvestite who, from the back, looks kind of like a woman but from the front is definitely a guy. The deep voice, the man face and huge man hands don’t add to the illusion of femininity either. I always have a difficult time talking to him…it’s so hard to know where to look; everywhere you look you’re so tempted to stare. Anyway, he came into our store once and our resident “chick magnet” (the 25% of the sales team who seems to talk to 90% of the attractive women in the store) noticed him from behind; long blonde hair and all. I saw what was coming so pretended to be busy and motioned for him to ‘go talk to her’. He didn’t miss a beat and skedaddled over, greeting the customer to our store with his usual bounciness. When the blonde haired guy turned around and said ‘hello’, sounding like Ivan Rebroff, the other salesman almost literally stumbled and fell on his face. It was one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen. Absolutely priceless.

*****

Well, that's enough typing for today! Celebrate the wonderful anniversary this month by coming in and purchasing that desktop or laptop that you've been wanting for so long! It's my last month here and I'm slashing prices for everyone! Come in and I'll GO NUTS! Promise! Until Next Time,

The Armchair Geek

Absolutely Random Insanity...

2006-07-01T00:38:00.000-07:00

Tired...10 hour day...computers down...writing every invoice out manually...going crazy...ate too much chicken...watched too much Muppet Show!

Well, today was a crazy-go-nuts day. Head office moved, and that means that our computer system was down all day long. No invoices. No checking on work orders. No checking of prices (or costs) on anything. No nothing. Just writing everything out on a spreadsheet and having to re-enter everything tomorrow morning. What a gong show!

I came home at lunch and some random person called for Captain Insano (roomie #3). You know I'm having a long and draining day when a random person phones my house and I ask them "You're not calling about all the guns in the basement are you?" Apparently he didn't know what I was talking about. That made two of us. Man! I don't have a clue where that comment came from...I tell a lie.

It came from my "booze gland", which is somewhere on the top of my brain stem. Cheryl Dyck, a good friend and medical professional (she once performed a heart transplant on herself!), once explained to me that I have an over-active "booze gland" that secretes chemicals into my brain that make me go nuts and say things that make absolutely no rational sense. It's usually active after I've been awake for like 17-18 hours, so I don't see it's fruits much. Today, my "booze gland" was running as of around 4:00pm. That's bad news. Mouth and brain are officially disconnected...

Anyway, today was weird. Far too many crazy phone calls. I had an asian man come in, but he didn't speak a word of English. He was chatty, but I didn't get a single syllable of what he said. That was really weird; he kept looking at me as if I was understanding him.

Oh, and apparently this one girl has a boyfriend who's going to come in and "tear me a new one" because I didn't replace her ball mouse 'under warranty' when it was simply dirty. I cleaned it and it worked fine, but apparently the boyfriend sent her to get a new one. Seeing as she didn't want to return without one, I sold her a nice optical one for like $10. She came back today to tell me that he's going to come back to our store and kick our butts...over the fact that I wouldn't replace a product that wasn't broken. Apparently he's quite agitated over the whole issue of having to pay for merchandise. If he comes in tomorrow, I'll lay money on the table that I sell him another mouse. HA! What a nutcase. I'll also do my best to mention 'Chuck Norris' 5 times in our conversation.

Life is more fun when you make it into a sport.

Enisferum: Best music for closing up shop.

Until Next Time,

The Armchair Nuck Chizzle

P.S. - I'm a cucumber.

Not quite a TSR-80, but...

2006-06-26T15:27:00.000-07:00

Guy calls me today. Here's what he says:

"Hello, I am looking for a parallel printer to run on DOS 6. Do you have one?"

Here's what I said:

"No. You're somewhere around 15 years too late to be shopping for that..."

And then the conversation continued on, with me asking what he needed it for and then explaining that, in order to try to find a 15 year old printer to run off DOS 6 (I shudder to think what kind of computer he was running), he's going to have to look on E-bay/Huttterite farms/Flea Market Sales in Yorkton/in the ditch near Herbert.

Some people run such old hardware that they cannot play the newest games and have to instead play old crappy games like Star Trek Elite Force (like me! HA!) and get emulators so that they can play Mike Tyson's Punch Out (Like Blackjack! HA HA!).

Some people run such old hardware that they cannot import any of their saved Lotus 1-2-3 spreadsheets when the time comes to upgrade (like a hairdresser I sold a system to a while ago).

Some people run such old hardware that they cannot even get onto the internet (Like several farmers I've sold stuff to).

BUT, some people run such old hardware that they have to order vacuum tubes from Russian and Chinese companies. I can understand the 'cool' side of 'retro computing' and dinking around with old Commadore 64's and whatnot. I just cannot fathom someone using an 80386 system since 1987 and having it still running in 2006 (and still using Microsoft Word 2.0 and Harvard Graphics!!). They don't make 'em like they used to!

Until Next Time,

The Armchair "All blogs written on an ENIAC! You're all PWNED!!" Geek

PermaFries and Gravy...

2006-06-25T15:23:00.000-07:00

FUNNY FUNNY customer today. It's a double day for funny customers!

This tall guy comes in looking for a computer. He's got on a shirt that says "Mr. High" and has a picture of a cloud holding a joint. He's got the giggles and cannot concentrate enough to actually deliver a coherent sentence. He just kinda jogs on the spot and his eyes dart around like a racoon on espresso.

I show him a few things and when he realizes that he's going to spend at least $500, he says:

"Oh man dude! That's gonna be tough! I have a hard time saving money and sh*t! I always seem to spend everything I got! Huh. Oh Sh*t! I've gotta go!"

Then he just turns around and bolts out the door like he's on fire. I watch in amazement as he runs down the street. That guy needs to be in a movie, though I cannot understand why he would have trouble saving money. I mean, what would a young, upstanding, individual spend all his money on that would result in reduced attention span, inability to think coherently, and inhibited ablilty to speak coherently? I cannot figure it out for the life of me. Until Next Time,

The Armchair Cheech

***For more information on the harmful and detrimental effects of Marijuana, please visist 3 of the following links:

http://www.whitehousedrugpolicy.gov/drugfact/marijuanainitiative/index.html

http://www.hc-sc.gc.ca/ahc-asc/pubs/drugs-drogues/straight_talk-parlons_franchement/index_e.html

http://www.ccsa.ca/CCSA/EN/Topics/Substances_Addictions/Cannabis.htm

http://www.ijc.org/

Credit Schmedit!

2006-06-25T12:18:00.000-07:00

Okay. I had a horrible phone call today. Here's the deal.

A guy calls, wanting to finance a computer. That's no big deal as it happens like 4 times a day. But, as in all calls, I explain the financing terms and ask him the two questions:

1. Do you have a job?

He says yes.

2. Do you have established credit?

Again, he says yes.

Normally, that would mean that he would have a good chance of getting something financed. BUT, as our conversation continues, I learn the following:

1. The "job" he has is sitting at home collecting social assistance. I was unaware that collecting wellfare was a vocational option. So, he doesn't have a job.

2. The "established credit" he has is "established bad credit". He has several credit cards that are maxxed out and he has a line of credit with some institution that is also maxxed out, plus he has several other "various" outstanding debts.

He apparently was rejected for a computer finance by Rentown (and their criteria for financing approval is "conscious") so he's calling around town to every computer store to try to get a computer. Apparently he "really needs one super bad". I try to explain to him that the financing done at The Blue Oyster (name of the store I work at...or is it?) is not done in house, but is instead done through a major financial corporation. I try to explain to him that if he's got too much outstanding debt and maxxed out credit, he will have problems getting more credit and debt. He calls me a "stupid f*cker" and hangs up.

Apparently he doesn't need a computer. He needs to get out of his mother's basement and learn some social graces...and how credit and financing works. Anyway, that was a weird call. Until Next Time,

The Armchair Blue Oyster

Don't call me Bruce...

2006-06-24T14:11:00.000-07:00

Okay. I've not posted something for a while, but here's a few CRAZY things that happened in the last 2 days:

1. A guy drops off his computer for service and we tell him, like we tell everyone, it'll be 1 or 2 days until we get around to it (since we have 15+ machines in waiting) and we'll give you a phone call when we know what's wrong so you can decided if you want it fixed or not. So he comes back in the next day with his wife and asks why we haven't called him. I try to explain that we haven't got around to it yet and he asks for his computer back. I again try to explain what's going on and his wife demands that I give them their computer back. So, realizing that 'reason' will go nowhere, I give her the computer and as I open my mouth to ask her if she would like us to call her when their computer's turn comes up, she looks me in the eye and says "You know, you're known around town for having bad customer service". I'm taken back at the sheer rudeness and insinuating tone of her voice. So, I ask her to name a single person who's said that we have 'bad customer service'. She then says "well, everyone says that but I don't think that." Apparently this adult woman is in grade two. She then turns around as I'm speaking and walks out. You know what went on in my head?

***(inner monologue) "What the heck!? If you KNEW that I was known for bad customer service, then why did you bring your computer here?! Beyond that, why are you surprised at my 'bad service'? Shouldn't you have expected it ?"***

Sheesh. Beyond that, I'm wondering if she consistently seeks out providers of bad service? I wonder if she asks around to find out which doctor in the city is the most incompetent and then scrambles over there to get her appendix removed? HA!

Lady: "Doctor Sheep-dip? I hear you're a total quack? Is this true?"

Doctor: "Uh...I...uh...well...who says that?"

Lady: "AHA! That's not a 'no'! I'll be in to see you in 15 minutes!"

2. This kid gave me a crank call. With a friend giggling loudly in the background, the kid asked me what the most expensive computer was and I told him. Then, he asks me to get 4 of them ready for him to come a pick them up in 20 minutes. I tell him that he's in luck because we're having a 2-for-1 sale today. NOBODY showed. I was REALLY looking forward to see my manager's face when somebody showed up asking for the 2-for-1 deal computers and I said "I thought it was a crank call, but I am a man of my word!" At the end of the day, the store sells 8 machines for a gross profit of $56. That would be the day.

3. A guy calls, asking about a laptop. He sees that we have a certain brand of laptop and asks what our price is. I tell him that it's $650 and he asks me why we're so expensive. He tells me that he can get those laptops on E-Bay for like $300-400. I agree with him and explain that used stuff on E-Bay is most likely always cheaper that buying new goods at a store. He asks me why he would ever come in and buy something from a store when he can get the same thing on E-Bay for half the price? I tell him, again, the advantages of a local vendor selling new products over buying urine soaked products from Islamic Terrorists on E-bay, but my efforts at reason are wasted. He laughs at me and says he's "no sucker", then wishes me a "good day". I wish him well and give him words of encouragement in his efforts to aquire a Darwin award. He sounds confused and hangs up.

Until Next Time,

The Armchair Sucker

***and NO! I didn't mention anything about getting a "Darwin Award". I just threw that in there for giggles. Calm down...you know who you are.***

Me Tarzan, You Techie Man Dude!

2006-06-15T11:37:00.000-07:00

Yes. you read it right. Tarzan the ape-man, in both male and female incarnations, has called my store today. I'm guessing that Tarzan (or Tarzana, I guess) was having some form of problems with his (her) computer. I spent 15 minutes on the phone with Tarzan, each time he called. I listened to broken english and stories about sisters, cousins, Sasktel representatives, programs, e-mails, and on and on. I'm not sure that Tarzan actually asked me a question the first time he called, but the second call from Tarzan ended up with a confusing question regarding an e-mail program, which wasn't working but was somehow working enough to send an e-mail to Tarzan's sister. Here's one sample of the conversation that my subconscious hasn't yet surpressed (along with those memories of my time in that Chinese prison when I was in...uh, hmmm, crap! Memory is all fuzzy! I forget!):

Me: Thanks for calling The Nuclear Physics Department at the University of Albuquerque. How can I help you?

Tarzan: Me Tarzan. You computer man dude.

Me: Hello Tarzan. You are correct. I am a computer man. What can I do for you today?

Tarzan: Tarzan buy computer. Tarzan lives in house. House has computer. Computer is black.

Me: Well, that's fantastic. Did you buy that computer here?

Tarzan: Tarzan like eat meatty bun food. Tarzan hungry. Tarzan HUNGRY!

Me: Well, we are next door to the largest buffet in the world and it's 'two cent tuesday'. Is there any computer related questions I can answer?

Tarzan: Internet! INTERNET! Internet go e-mail webpage no blog limewire cheese sauce! CHEESE SAUCE!

Me: I'm sorry sir. I'm not sure what you're asking me. Are you trying to download a recipe for cheese sauce for your blog, from your e-mail?

Tarzan: Many Childs use swears in Buffalo!

Me: Yes. The proliferation of percussive profanity present in pubescent people is perturbing!

Tarzan: Tarzan think phone man use funny words! BUT, Tarzan no find bacon. Tarzan need bacon for walrus face! Computer have no bacon!

Me: Well, your computer shouldn't have any fried or otherwise cooked pork products in it; that would be quite bad for the computer.

Tarzan: Tarzan have computer sickness! Computer make Tarzan sick! Computer bad sneezy bad sicky!

Me: Ah! Now we're getting somewhere. You'r computer has a virus?

Tarzan: No....NO! Computer have virus on it!

Me: Yes. I just said that. So, if you need to wipe and restore it, you need to bring in your computer and restore discs and we can get rid of the virus by erasing your hard drive and re-installing your operating system.

Tarzan: That would be acceptable.

Me: Good. Have a good day!

Tarzan: MEXICO CITY! (hangs up)

*************
Okay okay...I kinda used to artistic license to make that whole conversation more funny, BUT it was actually that stupid; that just wasn't the actual transcript. Tarzan did make random, nonsense statements though. I'd say something and he/she would just blurt out something completely unrelated. It was enough to drive Ghandi to violence. Anyway, I don't want to talk about it anymore. It's disturbing enough just thinking about it. ARGH! Okay. Calming down. Until Next Time,

The Armchair Mahatma Ghandi

108...!!!

2006-06-15T00:54:00.000-07:00

Just for the books, this post is my 108th post! That's like 756 posts in doggie posts! Keeping the good stuff coming to entertain you since 2005! We're almost at a year too! I suspect a HUGE anniversary post will be coming up sometime! Right On! Until Next Time,

The Armchair Geek!

Here's a Little Something...

2006-06-15T00:04:00.000-07:00

...To help you get to know me a little better. A friend has this, so I stole it and now I'm going to fill it out. It's called "I Am" or something. May you all follow the light of truth into the radiant warmth of love that is me:

I AM: Karma's whipping boy.
I WANT: The psychic ability to make stupid people shut up and leave.
I WISH: My door had some sort of 'idiot detector'. If it beeped, I'd know not to talk to you.
I HATE: "The Customer is always right".
I MISS: When I don't take the proper time to aim.
I FEAR: That one day I will snap.
I WONDER: Why people think swearing at me will fix a problem or make me want to help them.
I REGRET: Telling customers that it's not my fault that they're idiots.
I AM NOT: Allowed to say that to customers. I've been told more than once.
I DANCE: with joy at 8:01pm weeknights, 5:01pm weekends.
I Sing: Twisted Sister: We're Not Going to Take It! And I sing it LOUD.
I CRY: In an effort to manipulate irrational customers who are throwing tantrums.
I AM NOT ALWAYS: Successful with that.
I MAKE WITH MY HANDS: Several foul words in sign language. I'm moving on to simple phrases next, like "read the freaking manual".
I WRITE: Plans of revenge that will never be enacted due to my inability to acquire weapons grade plutonium...Oh, and I kinda do this blog thingie from time to time.
I CONFUSE: n00bs with plain old morons. My bad.
I NEED: More ammunition.
I SHOULD: Wear a shirt that says "I know you're not a computer expert" and point to it regularly.
I START: With a customer that is stupid or annoying.
I FINISH: With a blog post.
I TAG: And you freeze. Those are the RULES! STOP CHEATING! YOU'LL RUE THE DAY...!!!

So, now that's done and you all have a picture into the tar pit that is my mind. I'm glad we're freinds. I have eskimo kisses for you all. Until Next Time,

The Armchair Psychiatric Intern's Worst Nightmare.

And so it begins...

2006-06-12T12:05:00.000-07:00

And the scores are in: 6.2 for technical merit and 9.8 for artistic expression!

OH yes! I made another boo-boo yesterday. Not TOO big of a one, but a boo-boo none the less. A customer came in with his 'tech friend', who was probably the most rude individual I've talked to in the last month or so. You know...one of those guys who has a vocabulary with no syntax; just stringing words together in a nonsensical way, trying to sound smart. It was entertaining for a little, but then got REAL annoying.

Normally, when I'm trying to help someone pick a machine, I tend to try to get them something that they need, and something that will not be overkill for them. People often are told to buy way too much or way too little. So, being that actually honest guy that I am, I often explain things and try to help them arrive at a realistic position on what kind of hardware they should be looking for.

The guy I was talking to yesterday wanted a simple machine for e-mails and internet, with the possibility of downloading some songs and whatnot (he had kids). I was aiming him at a $550 machine and his friend basically started constantly contradicting me and actually saying that I was wrong (to my face). I'm not a terribly proud man and understand that I am often wrong on things, but I don't like being 'corrected' by a person who doesn't have the faintest clue what they are talking about. The tech friend was saying things like : (warning: there is some technical language coming)

- "A dual core machine is twice as fast as a single core machine on everything because 2 processors are twice as fast as one processor" (not true in all cases...single core machines are often way faster for gaming, among other operations)

- "Processors all have 8mb L2 cache these days and some have 16mb or 32mb." (He's confusing hard drive cache with processor cache)

- "You need at least a gig of ram for the internet to really run smooth". (sheesh)

***and on and on and on. I finally gave him my card and introduced myself as the guy who worked at the computer store. I then asked his 'tech friend' where he worked, and he told me (NOT a computer related field at all). I replied "oh really?" I don't think he got the hint, but I gotta admit that such a comment was definitely uncalled for. Doh. Apparently, I AM human afterall (and stupid at times...okay. Most of the time). I hope everyone has a laugh at my expense. Enjoy the moment! Until Next Time,

The Armchair Geek

Oh what a tangled web we weave...

2006-06-05T12:12:00.000-07:00

...when we first inhale THC. Or in some cases Crack/cocaine. Today we had a 2-part crack-attack. I wasn't really involved in the first part of the crack-attack, but I was in the vicinity as my manager was on the phone for around 25 minutes with a very unhappy lady (I don't get all the crazy drano-guzzling customers). I heard him trying to explain to her how the cheapest computer we had most likely wouldn't be very good for serious video editting, and how it is normal for a store to not refund something for full refund after 6 months. That gave me a hint what was happening.

After he got off the phone, he clarified my suspicions: The woman on the phone, 6 months ago, came in and bought the cheapest thing she could find, expecting it to be able to handle some serious video editting (including a fairly hefty program from Pinnacle Micro). Apparently the cheapest thing we had wouldn't cut it, so she expected a full refund 6 months after the purchase and apparently was one of those "when in doubt, throw a tantrum" customers...

...Which is a point that needs some clarification...

I must admit. One of the biggest disappointments I had when I 'transitioned' from youth to adulthood was discovering that adults are way stupider than I had been previously lead to believe. When you're 15 and expected to show everyone respect and call them "sir" or "ma'am", for some reason you think that adults know what they're doing...because they're adults. Now I know that a scary percentage of the populace is simply stupid with a good resume. I've met plenty of 'adults' who deserve the term; they know how to communicate and troubleshoot and be responsible and whatnot. They don't act like children. Sadly, there are plenty of adults who do act like children, with several annoying remnants of their childhood surviving well into their 'adult' lives.

One of the annoying remnants of childhood in many 'adult' lives is the temper tantrum. Some adults, when they were like 3 years old or something, figured out that if they kick and scream and be generally headache-inducing, people will get extraordinarily frustrated and eventually give them what they want. I remember the first time I witnessed an obvious 'adult' temper tantrum. I was 19 and working for the BC Provincial government and one of the guys at my office didn't get what he wanted, so he stormed around the office slamming things and kicking filing cabinets and going on and on about how "it's not fair". I was so stunned at his infantile behaviour, I started laughing at him (not knowing what else to do). For some reason, I found myself cleaning out old filing cabinets for several days after that (though I found several super cool government documents on Canada's nuclear weapons and lots of government nuclear emergency manuals...which got 'lost' somehow).

Okay. Enough of that.

Customer was throwing a tantrum because she made an unwise and uneducated purchase and was trying to save face. My fantastic manager offered to purchase back her old dead woodchuck and give her a stunning deal on something more capable of video editing. I don't remember if she took the offer. Either way, that's only the first part.

The second part was in the evening, while I was doing cash out. The phone rang and it was a lady who was quite cross. She informed me that her computer didn't work, her daughter had a project for school, she was supremely unhappy at our store and the service she had received, and she was going to now let my talk to her daughter and I was not going to get off the phone until I had solved her problems and walked her through whatever program it was that she was having problems with (she was very commanding...I love that! Reminds me of my mom!). For the sheer wonder at what was coming, I remained silent and proceeded to let her daughter get on the line.

After running on and on for 10-15 seconds about her software, I proceeded to ask her simple questions. It appeared that she had an analog video camera with a USB cable, and she had bought some video editing software (something from Pinnacle) and couldn't figure out how to work it. She asked me if I had the program in front of me and I sadly informed her that I didn't even have the software available, but I would try to help her over the phone. After trying to describe things and trying to guess through the program (for around 5-7 minutes), I asked her if she had a paper or digital manual for the software she bought. She said she "didn't know" and I told her that I most likely wouldn't be any help as I neither had nor knew the software that she was trying to use. I was about to advise her to possibly call Pinnacle software (they ARE the manufacturer and most likely know their own stuff the best...) and her mother grabbed the phone and informed me that I was useless and she was going to phone the store from where she bought the software, but if they couldn't help her, she was going to call me back and I was definitely going to give her my manager's home phone number. I didn't even get in a single syllable before she hung up on me.

I stuck around to see if she'd call back, but no beans. I was prepared to break into tears over the phone, but I never got my chance to shine. Most likely for the best. I love how some people think that being rude to me will make me want to help them more. I find it funny how vengeful fools get even more angry when you bend over backwards and do whatever you can to accomadate them; it only makes them look stupider for slandering and screaming at you.

Until Next Time,

The Armchair Crack Attack

Back to the grind...

2006-06-04T22:41:00.000-07:00

Yo! Wussup playas? Guess who's back? Armchair's back! Word! I'm finally back at work after taking off a week due to the plague. Yeah. I'm not kidding. I was as sick as I can ever remember being! It was horrible! Week long migraine, shivers, cold sweats, nausia, dizziness, etc. I haven't really slept in around 5 days and I've been barely eating too. BUT, now I'm back at work and making up for lost time...and you know what that means?

Well, the pants are coming off. That's right. It's the Fruit of the Loom sale at my store now! (More like "Fruit of the Loon"...) Seeing that I've gotta make up for missing 1/4 of my pay period, I'm giving away my pants with every sale (or shirt, if the Thundercats underwear offends too much).

Everyone who comes in is buying something, or I will club a baby seal or something. So, if you want deals, I'm flushing my brain down the toilet. If you want to window shop, prepare to see a grown man clog dance. Just warning in advance; I'm going crazy. It's time to follow in the steps of my mentor, 50 Cent. Time to get mine. Word. Lata,

Da Deadly Desktop Deala n' Laptizzletop Lunatizizic

Captain Insano strikes again...

2006-05-28T16:01:00.000-07:00

Man. I have a crazy freaking room mate. Some days, I think of starting a blog simply dedicated to his insane rantings. Today he said the following:

"I don't use ethnic slurs" (you have to see him at home to understand how horribly hilarious this one is)

"Dammit! I need to get my hands on a nuclear weapon!" (just out of the blue he blurts that one out!)

"If I got on the radio and started bashing moslems, do you think that the CRTC would be so pissed that they'd issue a fatwa against me? I mean, that would like be the first in Canadian history! That would be awesome!" (innocent enough question...uh...?!)

I always feel normal when I'm at home. It helps to surround yourself with people crazier than you. Until Next Time,

The Armchair Fatwa

Another Golden Gong?

2006-05-27T20:29:00.000-07:00

Now, for those of you familiar with this blog, you understand how awesome I am. I am mind numbingly excellent in my glorious ability to deal with people of all shapes and sizes, with both little and no intellect, and take abuse like nobodies business. I rarely lose either my tongue or my cool (though I AM a human being), and I have learned to laugh both with and at customers...hence I'm still a few inches south of being clinically insane. But every now and then, there's a person who is so 'head and shoulders' above the rest, so cranially malfunctioning and so obnoxiously rude that he doesn't even merit the covetted Golden Gong award. Blasting far past the standards of the Golden Gong like a duiretic elephant at a Texas 5-alarm chili tasting festival, some people merit the Platinum Gong...the GONG of Gongs.

Now I'm not saying that the person to whom I refer now IS a Platinum Gong recipient, but his name has been submitted to the Accademy for nomination this year. He's definitely a nominee for "best male performance in a show about warranty frustrations".

Now my dedicated readers will have pieced together the following details from my various pulitzer winning posts:

1. My store sells new and refurbished products.
2. Some people are afraid of refurbished products.
3. Some people think that God owes them a medal for simply existing.
4. Some people have their heads shover so far up their butts that they have to open their mouths to see.

So, NOW I get to my condensed version of the conversation:

Customer: Hello, is Chuck Norris (Store Manager) there?

Me: No, Chuck Norris is not here. He's taking names and, well, you know...

Customer: Okay. Well, I would like to complain. (You know it's going to be good when they announce their intentions in complaining).

Me: Okay. You tell me what happened and I'll see what I can do for you.

Customer: Well, you f***ing guys sold me a f***ing piece of s**t camera and it worked for five f***ing months and now it doesn't work anymore. I brought it in and you f***ing guys sent it away to the manufactuer to f***ing get fixed and it's been three f***ing weeks and it's still not done!

Me: Okay. So let me make sure I understand you. Your camera stopped working and we sent it away for you and it has been three weeks and it still isn't back, correct?

Customer: That's what I f***ing just said! F**K ME! I mean, when I go to a store and give them my f***ing money, I expect customer service! I mean, when some f***ing customer has a problem with me, I f***ing take care if it! Your customer service is a complete load of f***ing b***s**t! (Starts getting VERY excited about how he gives the best customer service in the cosmos and keeps swearing like a Russian Sailor, but he eventually has to take a break to breathe.)

Me: Well, I'm sure your camera will get fixed. They always do. Sadly it won't matter because if you don't stop getting worked up unneccesarily, you'll be dead from a heart attack by the time your camera is returned. Possibly someone has informed you that cussing and getting exceedingly angry makes people want to help you out more. I'm afraid that such is not the case here. I can definitely try to help you sir, but I don't want your death on my conscience.

Customer: What the f**k are you talking about? You're damn right I'll be f***ing dead by the time I get my camera back! You give me totally b***s**t service and now try to make excuses for yourself? Well let me tell you a f***ing thing or two! I bought a laptop from you and it's broken too and I'm scared to bring it in to get fixed because you'll have it for a year too!

Me: Well, now you're just being silly. We've never had anything take a year to get fixed. Besides, I'm unsure why you are calling me regarding this camera anyway. It's not even getting fixed here. It was a new camera so it was sent back to the manufacturer for warranty repair. We fix the refurbished stuff here, but the new stuff always get's manufacturers warranty. That's the joy of buying new; dealing with the manufacturer's warranty.

Customer: Now you're f***ing lying to me! I dropped it off there to get fixed. First you give me s***ty service and now you f***ing lie to my f***ing face!

Me: Well, actually I am telling you the truth. I remember when you brought it in, asking us to fix it. We explained to you that the warranty was done by the manufacturer and, being the nice guys we are, we offered to even send it into the manufacturer for you.

Customer: Whatever! You can f***ing make up stories all day long. Bottom line is that I want a new camera! I'm going to come down there and get a new f***ing camera, cause the one you sold me was a piece of s**t!

Me: Well, I wish things were that simple. The manufacturer has to make that call. I don't know if it is faulty or if you actually broke it. The manufacturer will check the camera out and examine it, then give their verdict. If it's a faulty camera, I'm sure they'll replace it for you. If you broke it, you may have to pay for repairs. I don't know anything about that though, seeing as I'm simply the merchant. I could give you the manufacturers number though...

Customer: What a f***ing shock! You don't know anything! I coulda f***ing told you that! This is a f***ing waste of my time! I'm going to call Chuck Norris on Monday and tell him what's what. Have a nice f***ing day!

Me: Thanks! You have a good day too!

*******************************

Now that conversation was shortened do to the fact that it was absolutely boring (and containing WAY more expletives). He went on and on for probably 3-4 actual minutes about how customer service works and whatnot, and he's not even in retail. I also told him a few stories about how I've personally been screwed on warranties and whatnot, and that only fueled his rage; what with my attempts to empathize with him and all. I was actually amazed that he could sustain his tremendous huff as long as he did too...that shows some real effort on his part. Anyway, that was one of the strangest, most annoying, and yet most entertaining phone calls I've had all year. Let's have a round of applause for our nominee! Until Next Time,

The Armchair Warranty Repairman

(Is "repairman" one word or two?)

Some people should not be allowed to shop alone: Part II

2006-05-24T13:59:00.000-07:00

Okay. Before I start, I must clarify some things:

1. I am a patient man with people who don't know anything about computers; I expect pretty much everyone to be a rookie.

2. I am a gracious man with rude and arrogant people; if you're horribly rude to me or talk to my like I'm a five year old, I will do my best to treat you in a proper and respectful fashion.

3. I like women. I have nothing against women. I'm very fond of them on the whole and thank the Lord for his clever usage of estrogen every day.

***But***

When a gaggle of rookie, rude, arrogant women come into my store, I'm very willing to let them go on their merry way.

Three women came in today and were looking for 'something', though I'm guessing they didn't really have a clue. I tried to help them, but the spokesmodel for the group wouldn't stop changing the subject whenever I tried to ask them what they were looking for. They just did like 4 laps of the store, looked at prices, and then told me that there was something for $300 at Zellers and threatened to go and buy it because my store had so much expensive stuff.

Some days, a salesperson will take such comments as a challenge and spend the next hour trying to 'edumacate' them on the reality of the situation, telling them:

- That's not the real price. ($399 and 300 are two different things and people always quote the prices without mentioning the extra 99 bones...)
- That price is after the rebates, and counting the tax you spend on the before rebate price, mine is still $28 less.
- That computer has half the components of mine, which is $28 more. Mine is a better deal.
- You'll never get a lick of service/help from that store where as I, as exampled by my current efforts, am ready and willing to do what I can to help you out with problems.
- That store pays $40 of every purchase to support the clubbing of baby seals in Northern Ontario and in buying such a product, you are directly responsible for the killing of baby seals.

OKAY! OKAY! That last one is an exaggeration. Either way, I didn't say any of those things. I let them go to Zellers. Sue me. Until Next Time,

The Armchair Geek

P.S. - Come on in to my store today for a great deal or I'll club this baby seal!

The Best Comment EVER!

2006-05-14T14:13:00.000-07:00

Some days, people say things that test the very limits of my immense self control. Put on your thinking caps. Imagine the customer having a very thick Irish (or something along those lines) accent:

Me: Thank you for calling Barney's house of landmines. We'll blast your bum to kingdom come! What can I do for you?

Customer: Well, I'm looking for a new computer. What's the cheapest one you've got?

Me: Well, we have some stuff starting at $399.

Customer: "Holy Christopher! Do you think I'm made of money?"

**********************

I JUST about lost it at that. Hilarious. Until Next Time,

The Armchair Holy Christopher

Wow. New Experience...

2006-05-12T13:23:00.000-07:00

I have just recently (as in today) discovered the possibly most annoying thing in the world. Something that will drive a reverend to the bottle; something that will make a man tear his hair out. What is it that has so driven me to the edge? Well, let me explain.

I had a phone call today from a woman who was looking for a computer. That is a typical phone call, and I'm also used to people not having a clue as to what they're looking for. She apparently saw something in the paper and called about it. Here's my 'dramatic re-inactment' of what happened:

Me: Thanks for calling Chuck Norris' house of pancakes; Let our flapjacks give your tastebuds a TKO!

Customer: Hello. I'm calling about a computer.

Me: Okay. Did you see an add that caught your eye or were you searching in general?

Customer: Well, I saw a computer in your flyer and...

Me: (pauses, waiting for the sentence to be finished...which doesn't happen) And? which one was it?

Customer: I saw the one for $799 with the...

Me: (waiting for sentence to be finished again...) ...yes?

Customer: What?

Me: You were saying?

Customer: Well, tell me about...

Me: (waiting)...about the $799 computer from our flyer?

Customer: Yes. I'm interested in getting that one with...

Me: (waiting) ...with the?

***************************

And it went ON and ON and ON and ON. I've often done that to other people whom I was trying to annoy, but I've never had someone do it to me...speaking in unfinished sentences. I kept waiting for the person to finish their sentences and half the conversation was silence awaiting grammatical resolution. Man. Too bad Tylenol doesn't make a 'computer sales strength' version of their pain killers...I'm thinking something around 5,000 mg of codine, acetaminophen, rohypnol, diazepam and lidocaine with an easy swallow coating, best to be washed down with 24 ounces of Old Crow. I feel an e-mail coming on to Johnson & Johnson, and possibly millions of dollars in royalties incoming as well. Until Next Time,

The Armchair Coma Patient

So Apparently I'm not counsellor Troy...

2006-05-06T14:21:00.000-07:00

It's confirmed. I'm neither telepathic nor as good at reading people as I suspect. Here's the snippet of the conversation:

C: So, how good is this computer at downloading porn?

Me: (thinks he's joking) Well, porn is pretty heavy on the system requirements. For Hard Core porn, you need a Hard Core computer.

C: Oh...I didn't know. So what computer do you recommend?

Me: (realizes that he's NOT joking)...uh, well...This one here is a faster machine with...(and on goes the conversation)

***********

So I'm apparently worse at reading people than I thought. Doh. I cannot believe that he asked me that question too. Wowzer. Until Next Time,

The Armchair Hugh Hefner

You learn something new every day...

2006-05-06T10:52:00.000-07:00

Well, it IS true. I learned something new today. I learned what a "consumer proposal" is today:

Consumer Proposals are intended to help reduce the number of bankruptcy filings by allowing the consumers who owe less than $75,000 (excluding mortgages on their principal residences), to negotiate with their creditors for the reduction of their debt and/or for an extension of the time for payments of their debts.

aka. it's the last ditch effort to save your hide before you declare bankruptcy. This is a hint that you're not so good at managing your money.

I also have a new question, after applying for credit for a person and getting the response "The customer cannot aquire credit due to an impending consumer proposal" (and wondering "what the crap does that mean", which lead to my research, aquisition of data and final step in the learning process; the discovery of the answer to the question! Learning is FUN!). The question is:

WHY THE HECK ARE YOU SHOPPING FOR A COMPUTER (and applying for MORE credit) IF YOU ARE 1 STEP AWAY FROM BANKRUPTCY?

This is proof that you're not so good at managing your money. The mind of man is an eternal struggle between various battling insanities. Until Next Time,

The Armchair Consumer Proposal

SO the other day...

2006-05-05T08:02:00.000-07:00

...I was flipping channels on one of the media center PCs at work and I could not believe my eyes: the movie Falling Down was on TV. For those of you that have never seen it, it's essentially a movie about a guy who goes nucking futz one day and loses it on various merchants and individuals who he feels are dishonest/rude/idiotic. It's essentially where all the dinglenuts get what's coming to them, FINALLY. The whole scene with him in the Korean "Quickie Mart" is priceless...also the line he delivers on the golf course to the guy having the heart attack is awesome. That movie is such an inspiration. If I ever meet Michael Douglas, I'm going to yell at him for not making a sequel (although the main character gets killed at the end of the movie...I guess it would have been tough). There should have been like 17 movies in a Falling Down franchise.

They could make a second movie with another character in it though...someone with just as much angst and temporarily restrained insanity. Someone who is equally frustrated with the unwashed masses. Someone who dreams of going crazy on the proletariat without getting let go do to 'corporate restructuring'. Hmm. Well, I'm going to start a writing campaign to Warner Brothers...which will most likely make them jump to drop $40 million on a sequel. Okay...never mind. At least I know what I'm going as for halloween...(imagine me dresed up as Michael Douglas from Falling Down, showing up at a party)

Random person: "So what did you dress up as?"

Me: "I didn't. This is the first day that I took my costume off in a long time. It feels good!" (holding briefcase and shotgun and speaking matter-of-factly in a half whisper)

HA! Okay. Many things to do today! Until Next Time,

The Armchair Michael Douglas

So a Priest and a Donkey walk into a bar...

2006-05-04T10:41:00.000-07:00

Okay. Some days people just astound me. Behold the mighty dramatic re-enactment of this event:

Customer walks in: Hey. I bought this here and I was wanting to return it.

Me: (looks at item). Hmmm...that's a Canon scanner.

Customer: (interupts)...that doesn't work with a damn. It'a s piece of sh*t and I want my money back.

Me: And I'm guessing that you should get your money back if it doesn't work. So how can I help you with that?

Customer: (looks perplexed, talking in sarcastic voice) Well, how about giving me my money back?

Me: That's a great idea with only one problem. We've don't now and never have sold Canon scanners. We don't sell scanners at all and I'm guessing that you didn't buy that scanner here.

Customer: What are you talking about? Of course I bought it here. I think I'd know the store where I bought this!

Me: Where did you buy it?

Customer: (getting agitated) Asian Spoodle Dinkler! (names have been changed to protect the stores involved)

Me: Well, I'm guessing you should go there. This is Asian Poodle Sprinkler... You're at the wrong store. (The store in question is across the city, is a different color, is 4 times as big and on and on...I cannot understand how he got THAT confused).

Customer: What? What are you talking about?

Me: You're at the wrong store sir.

Customer: (turns red) Oh. Well, have a nice day then. (turns and leaves)

Me: Have a great day!

*********************
I must admit, after he left, I laughed at him, not with him. I'm such a bad person. Until next time,

The Armchair Asian Spoodle Dinkler

Pulitzer in the making...

2006-04-26T10:31:00.000-07:00

Yeah. Something completely different than normal. Check out this review of my favorite Saturday Morning Cartoon from when I was a kid:

http://members.tripod.com/~MitchellBrown/grades/hercules.html

Hilarious. This moment of stupidity was brought to you by me,

The Armchair Hercules

Me and my big mouth...

2006-04-13T22:57:00.000-07:00

Yeah...Occasionally the 'inner monologue' slips out. I plead temporary insanity based on the resurgence of residual nicotine into my system from a cigarette that I smoked in sixth grade. Anyway, here's the conversation:

Me: Hello, you've reached the Canadian Branch of the Tamil Tigers (NOT my real store name, and NO, I did not actually say that...that's not the tongue slip...)

Customer: Hello there. What's your cheapest computer?

Me: Well, we have systems starting at $399.

Customer: What's in it?

Me: Sempron 3100+, 512 megs ram, 40 gig hard drive, cd burner, windows xp, (and so on...)

Customer: Why is that so expensive?

Me: Oh? Is that expensive?

Customer: Yeah. Zellers has a computer with like double that stuff and a DVD burner for like $299. Why are you guys so expensive?

Me: I'm sorry, I think I misheard you. Where was that you say?

Customer: Zellers.

Me: Well, would you really want to purchase a computer from Zellers? I mean, it may be cheap, but are you ever going to get service or technical support from Zellers? You may save a dollar up front (and I checked the internet...all is numbers were wrong, no dvd-burner and the system was $429) but you'll most likely end up paying extra for all the tylenol that you'll consume when you run into a problem.

Customer: Well, I won't need support on it. It's a new computer. There shouldn't be any problems. (Not only a new computer, but most likely his first computer...lol)

Me: Okay. Don't get me wrong here. I'm not suggesting that you need to buy from my store. I'd just wonder if Zellers is the kind of store where you'd want to buy a computer from. I mean, you would never buy ground beef at Midas, would you?

Customer: Okay. You're an idiot. (hangs up)

**********************

Yeah. The whole "ground beef at Midas" comment was totally out of place. Although funny, the Russian judge gave me a 1.3 on artistic merit. My stupid mouth! I usually keep it in check well, but that one slip will come back to haunt me...I just know it! Doh! Until Next Time,

The Armchair Austin Powers

("How can I tell them that because of the unfreezing process, I have no inner monologue?")

A Dilemma...

2006-04-10T12:39:00.000-07:00

...Now I've heard the adage "the customer is always right". I've had that thrown in my face more times that I could recount. As of today, I have a new one, specifically for people who work in hi-tech:

The Customer is Always Stupid

Not to sound rude, but more often than not, it's true. Here's the call:

Me: Thanks for calling (store name). How can I help you?

Customer: Hello. I'm told that you buy old computers.

Me: Well, we do take some things in on trade, depending on the item. What have you got?

Customer: Well, I have a computer. It's a Viewsonic.

Me: Uh, I'm guessing that is the brand name of the monitor. I don't need to know the brand name as much as I need to know the type of processor, ram and hard drive it has. You wouldn't know those off the top of your head by chance?

Customer: Well, how much is it?

Me: Uh, it's impossible to say without knowing what it is. If you want, you could drop it off here for a day or two and we could check it out and tell you what kinda system it is, then give you a price.

Customer: Okay. What's it worth? I just want a ballpark.

Me: Again, I cannot give you a definitive price because I don't know what kinda computer you have. The details about the components make a tremendous difference in how much money it's worth.

Customer: Well, what do good, used computers go for?

Me: Well, it could be anywhere from 10 to 500 dollars, depending on how old it is and what kinda computer it is.

Customer: 500 dollars? That sounds about right! Thanks! (hangs up)

Me: What? Hello?

Until Next Time,

The Armchair Pawn Shop

A Recent Intelligence Report...

2006-04-05T22:06:00.000-07:00

...Suggests that none of our operative have encountered any intelligence. I've been not blogging much on this blog as of late, but here's some of the stuff that has happened over the last 2 weeks or so:

1. I had a woman come in with a full beard. Not the typical "feminine fuzz" either. That's understandable and easily tolerated...but this woman had like hair on her upper lip, cheeks and chin that was like a whole centimeter long. It wasn't very thick but it was very unsettling. It was hard to not stare...but I'm a trooper and stood strong. Still, I didn't really think women ever could look like that...uh, yeah.

2. I have had several calls regarding the playstation 3. I don't have a clue where people get their information, but my store doesn't have them. They're not released until November. No store anywhere has them. STOP CALLING!

3. I have had enough of people asking "is that taxes in?", as if it's some sort of sneaky bargaining strategy. In North America, retail price never includes taxes...at least not anywhere I've ever shopped. Please stop asking that question. It's not sneaky and you're not that stupid.

4. I had a woman call me the other night to complain that she got ripped off when she bought her computer. Well, that's not exactly how it went. Apparently she bought a system from us over a year ago. She had recently somehow seen some sort of computer flyer and noticed at how much cheaper they are a year after she bought hers. She was very unsettled at how things were so much cheaper at someone else's store than they were at ours, and she called to inform me that she was not impressed with my store. I talked to her for 8 minutes, trying to explain that prices drop on technology regularly, but she refused to listen. Apparently she had a friend who was a 'computer expert' who told her that she got ripped off...though the fact had apparently come to her attention the previous day and was important enough to merit a heated phone call. I tried everything I could to get through to her, but everytime I said anything she insisted that she didn't have a problem with me, since I didn't sell her the machine. She just wanted to bring this important information to somebody's attention, so the injustice of over-charging wouldn't happen again. Sheesh!

5. I had a person call me and ask me what was wrong with their computer. Now that's not uncommon...what was uncommon was that they couldn't answer a single question that I had. They didn't know the symptoms, they didn't know what they were doing when 'it' happened, they didn't know if it would start and they didn't even know what kind of computer or operating system they had. I felt like one of the wisemen trying to tell Nebuchadnezzar his dream and then interpret it...

6. This one was awesome. A girl came in with a 3 month old bag and tried to return it because she "had found something nicer at another store". I told her that she couldn't because it was 3 months old and she responded that the salesman had told her that she could return it at any time for a full refund. I told her to come back and then talk to the salesman in an effort to return her bag after 3 months for a full refund. No beans. I'm shocked.

I've also had my rash of silly credit questions (and the standard 2 people a day who try to finance something without a job or any credit at all), they constant confessions of "I'm completely illiterate with this stuff" and much other general insanity. Well, I'm off to get my laundry. Until Next Time,

The Armchair Soothsayer

Some people's kids...

2006-04-04T11:45:00.000-07:00

...Uh yeah. Sorry I've been all gone for a while, but I've been busy in my alter-ego fighting more important theological battles. Anyway, here's a Jem for you. The conversation is as ensues:

Customer: Hey there! I'm looking for that package that was in the paper for $599.

Me: Sure. The system is this one here (points to machine and tells specs).

Customer: And does it come with a monitor?

Me: Yes. This monitor (points) is the monitor that comes with it.

Customer: What about the printer?

Me: Well, we're currently sold out of the printer so we'll have to order it in for you. It's a (describes item) and it's a good basic unit.

Customer: You don't have them?

Me: No. We recently sold the last one so I'd have to order one from another store for you.

Customer: Hmm. What kind of printer is it?

Me: (Gives printer description again).

Customer: Ah. What does it look like? Do you have one here that I can see?

Me: (*sigh*) Uh, well like I've said, we don't have any here; we sold out of them. I could show you a picture from the internet if you'd like.

*************************

And the conversation went on and on, in like fashion. Some days I wonder why I get out of bed...sheesh. Until the next time,

The Armchair Printer

One of the FUNNIEST comments I've heard in a while...

2006-03-21T12:10:00.000-08:00

I thought I had heard it all...well, most of it...well, some of it. Now I know that I know next to nothing! I've often had rude customers. I've often had stupid customers. I've often had young customers. Last night, I had all three rolled up into one. Here's the tale:

Family comes in with two daughters. Both girls were quite attractive and looked like they were 20-22, but based on their behaviour I guessed that they were around 16-18 (they were both like 5'10 though, so taller women often look older). Anyway, Dad was the main spokesman of the ensemble. He informed me that they were looking for new computers and wanted something basic; 1 gig ram, 200 gig hard drive, dvd-burner, etc. (That's not basic...divide those numbers in half for "basic" these days). I had a system like that and it was $699. He frowned and said that he was thinking of paying around $500 for something like that. So, the sales 'swashbuckling' ensued.

I asked him if he had seen anything of such spec at said price. He said that we were the first store that he had come to, but he 'knew' the going rate for things. He started asking me why my prices were so high and as I moved to get a flyer from a competitors store for illustration's sake, the phone rang., so I asked them to excuse me for a moment seeing that I was the only person in the store.

Now up until that point, the girls had only said that they wanted the computer for MSN and downloading (insert expletive) and whatnot. They admitted that they didn't care about the other stuff and only only wanted something that "didn't suck". They also were giving me goofy looks; very sassy and the sort of look that an arrogant 'mildly attractive' girl gives a guy when she thinks he's checking her out (I really pitty the girls who think they're more attractive than they really are. Life must be full of frustrations...)

Now once I was on the phone, the girls both did a lap of the store and then headed for the door, motioning for the parents to follow suit. I was about to clasp my hand over the phone and say something when the one girls turned her head sideways and asked the other girl, more than loud enough for me to hear, "why would I ever buy a computer from a store that had bars on it's windows? What kind of (insert expletive again) store is this anyway? I mean, oh my God!"

I then waved at them and mouthed the words 'good night'. The one girl turned, gave me an "as if" look and didn't wave back. I had to bite my tongue to keep from laughing. I mean, since when does having security precautions on a store with $250,000 worth of electronics equate that it's a sub-par merchant? Some people must simply exist entirely for the sake of entertaining the rest of us. Keep it coming! Until Next Time,

The Armchair Pawnshop Merchant

More Fruits of Boredom...

2006-03-18T23:33:00.000-08:00

Okay. I have this tremendous problem now. I have crazy things happen at work, but I forget to write them down and when I get home, I forget what I HAD to blog when I got home. Doh. It's also late, and my mind is in full on 'crazy-go-nuts' mode. So, here's a little story and some completely random and spontaneous poetry in on of my favorite styles; Haiku. Enjoy.

****************

Man brings in laptop
Says when DVD's play back
they're very choppy

Take it to the back
Everything is working fine
Can't figure it out

Next he's on the phone
Says the keyboard doesn't work
wants it fixed for free

Try laptop keyboard
And we try the DVD
Customer smokes crack

Customer returns
Don't hear what is said to him
but he seems quite vexxed

Need to calm things down
And establish dominace
So I hump his leg

******************

Vinyl Siding smells
Oscar Meyer Weiners too
I live in a swamp

Can't forget the list
Gotta buy some groceries
And prosthetic thumbs

sweating at the gym
Muscles flex and muscles strain
I should eat more prunes

On my second date
With the presidents daughter
Won't get shot again!

Pick her up for prom
I'm so nervous, Dang She's HOT!
Crap! I peed my pants!

Multiplication
Electroencephlogram
Anthropocentrism

I neutered the fence
Selling fate in pickled form
My grace is a carp

Jimmy Baker's free
His parole officer believes
gave him 80 bucks

Walking on the paid
Falling through the learn of skip
smell with 12 degrees

I am getting tired
I could write haikus all day
Please support war amps.

*************************

I'm serious. I COULD write Haiku's all day. My Haiku's stink out loud, but for what I lack in quality, I make up for with quantity. I'm way better at limmericks..the true art form. Anyway, Until Next Time,

I'm The Armchair Geek
Writing Haiku's past midnight
Time to go to bed!

Fruits of boredom...

2006-03-16T10:47:00.000-08:00

I'm bored today. Here's some Palindromes that are funny:

Amen, I call a cinema

A nut for a jar of tuna

A Santa pets rats as Pat taps a star step at NASA

Anne, I vote more cars race Rome to Vienna.

Dammit, I'm mad!

Delia saw I was ailed.

Dennis sinned.

Do geese see god?

Egad! No bondage!

Gert, I saw Ron avoid a radio-van - or was it Reg?

Harass Sarah!

He stops spots, eh?

He won a Toyota now, eh?

Lonely Tylenol.

Swap God for a Janitor, Rot in a jar of dog paws

Slap my gym pals.

Ten animals did slam in a net

We panic in a pew.

Was it a bar or a bat I saw?

Yawn a more Roman way!

Yo, banana boy!

**************************************
Well, I hope you enjoyed that. I don't have any stories right now because I haven't seen a human being in the store all day. Doh. Until Next Time,

The Armchair Lonely Tylenol

2006-03-07T14:14:00.000-08:00

I just bought a webcam. Here's a test photo

A Clue...

2006-03-06T08:45:00.000-08:00

...That you should not be shopping along. If a person comes in and says:

"I'm looking for that Pentium 43 with the Hypers and the Threaders"

They should NOT be shopping alone. Todays free tip has been brought to you by,

The Armchair Geek

And Now For Something Completely Different...

2006-02-25T19:34:00.000-08:00

...Now, This blog is primarily reserved for tales of idiocy and woe that happen at my primary workplace, and the occasional tsunami of Chuck Norris jokes. BUT tonight, due to the absolutely mind-numbing nature of the conversation that I just had in the car with a certain person, I decided to make an exception. Now I have a person in my life who truly needs his own blog, simply for the preservation of all the absolutely, unbelievably, incredibly insane and irrational things that burst forth from his lips. Tonight, on the way home from somewhere, we were talking and the conversation followed as such (and I'm not sure if he wasn't serious...seriously):

Captain Insano: "...blah blah blah...and one day when I get elected to the communist party of Canada of the dictator of Sweden..."

Me: "Chigga Chigga Chigga WHAT? Dictator of Sweden? What the crap are you talking about?"

Captain Insano: "Well, that's been one of my dreams from childhood. Ever since Bible camp I've wanted to be supreme dictator of Sweden. That would be amazing."

Me: "Uh...okay. Well, isn't Sweden a democratic country? I suspect that this answer will astound me, but with an inadequate sence of dread, I want to know how do you plan to overthrow the democracy of Sweden and set yourself up as supreme dictator?"

Captain Insano: "I plan to be elected."

Me: "Ah. Good plan. Elected to the position of supreme dictator. I'm confident that the voting citizens would gladly toss out their democracy and embrace your demo-crazy."

***********

And the conversation continued with my friend trying to explain how he'd become elected to the position of 'supreme dictator of Sweden'. A few more comments like that, and I will start a blog dedicated to the preservation of his insanity. I am utterly almost speechless. HA! Until Next Time,

The Armchair Dictator of Sweden

And now back to our regularly scheduled madness...

2006-02-24T18:58:00.000-08:00

Yup. Enough with the Chuck Norris Jokes. Now for a tale of the unexpected...

Today a woman comes in and says:

Woman: Hi. I came by a few days ago and looked at a computer and now I want to see it again beacuse I'm thinking about buying it.

Me: Okay. Do you know which one it was that you were looking at?

W: It was a computer.

M: (already foreseeing where this is going...and crying on the inside...) okay. Was it a desktop or a laptop?

W: I don't remember. It was something like $699 or $799 or something like that...under a thousand I think.

M: Well, was it one of these small portable ones or one of these big styles?

W: Oh...uh...I'm kinda computer illiterate. I don't know. (That comment DOESN'T apply here! We're talking about remembering the shape of a BOX, not system specs or something! ARGH!)

M: Well, who did you talk to?

W: One of the sales guys.

M: (lists all five possible names) Was it one of them?

W: I think his name was Albert.

M: Hmmm...there's no 'Albert' here. (There's nobody with a name that phonetically sounds anything like 'Albert') Did he write anything down or give you some sort of quote?

W: Yeah. I left it at home.

M: Okay...Was he tall, short?

W: Taller than me (woman is like 5'0).

M: Glasses?

W: I wasn't paying attention.

M: What color was his hair?

W: uh...let's see...hmmm....

M: Was he a larger fellow or a skinny guy?

W: Oh...I forget.

*****

And the conversation continued on like that for like 10 minues. She didn't remember who she talked to, what he looked like (even in the most rudimentary details...sheesh!), whether it was a desktop or a laptop, what the price even was, or any single detail of their conversation whatsoever. After 10 minutes, she admitted that she didn't even know if my store was the one she originally came too.

After we moved on, I tried to show her some stuff but she was quite determined to only get the deal that she had discussed with someone at some store some time in the past beacuse that deal, and that deal alone was what she wanted to look at. Not even buy...just examine! She eventually thanked me for showing her some things and whatnot, but went home to get her original quote. She forgot her car in my parking lot and is most likely in El Salvador now, wondering why her key won't fit in her front door. Until Next Time,

The Armchair...uh...hold on a sec...uhm...something starting with a "G"...oh....uh...whatever!

Two good ones I forgot...

2006-02-22T23:45:00.000-08:00

...At the age of 2, Chuck Norris hunted down his feminine side and his inner child, knocked them both out with a single roundhouse kick and flash-baked them alive in the nuclear furnace of his own kryptonian testosterone.

...Also, Chuck Norris recently won the title of Iron Chef by cooking a 9 course meal in 13 minutes using only nunchuks and three perfectly timed roundhouse kicks. Also during the course of the show, Chuck also won a nobel prize for some crazy medical breakthrough that he formulated while waiting for the main course to cook.

Until Next Time,

The Armchair Nuck Chorris.

The Cream of the Crap...

2006-02-22T11:53:00.000-08:00

As many people might know, the cool thing for the next 17 minutes these days is 'Chuck Norris Jokes'. I don't know where this all started, and I don't really care. They're just amazingly stupid and every 12 year old kid on the Internet is spouting Chuck Norris jokes like they're going out of style, which of course they are. None the less, I have sorted through all 40,000 Chuck Norris Jokes (and made up several hundred of my own) and I now present some of the only good ones. There are other Chuck Norris Jokes out there, and they can all be found at:

http://www.4q.cc/index.php?pid=fact&person=chuck

but they're officially mostly stupid. Here's also a link to a story of how they started:

http://stpetersburgtimes.com/2006/02/03/Worldandnation/Heard_the_one_about_C.shtml

Here's the cream of the crap:

Chuck Norris is considered a prime number in certain schools in Ontario.

Chuck Norris is the only man alive whose white blood cells have black belts.

Little Miss Muffet, sat on her tuffet, eating her curds and weigh. Along came a spider, who sat down beside her, and arrived just in time to see Chuck Norris roundhouse kick her into a glacier.

An American Islamic cleric offered a $1,000,000 reward and a Rolls Royce to anyone who kills the cartoonist who drew Prophet Muhammad. After realizing that the cartoonist was Chuck Norris, the cleric gave an official apology on CNN on behalf of Islam for being so anal and in order to not risk the wrath of Chuck Norris, converted to the Official Church of Chuck Norris...aka. Scientology.

Chuck Norris once tried a speed dating service. There were no survivors.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a man so fast that his foot, traveling faster than the speed of light, travelled back in time and mistakenly killed Amelia Earhart.

Contrary to common rumor, Chuck Norris never beat up the kids when he was in elementary school and stole their lunch money. Chuck don't need money.

Chuck Norris can lift a mountain over his head with one arm and make a perfect pitcher of Kool Aid with the other.

Little kids enjoy lighting ants on fire with magnifying glasses. Chuck Norris enjoys lighting little kids on fire with ants. Scientists have yet to find out how this feat is achieved.

Every morning, Church Norris shaves his beard by running through barbed wire fences.

Chuck once bet some engineers at N.A.S.A. that he could survive re-entry from space bare naked. After jumping out of the shuttle au naturale, Chuck got into the Guiness book of Records for streaking in 17 states in 49 seconds. Also, some guys at N.A.S.A. still owe Chuck a beer.

The Ford Motor Company is currently changing the standard Horse Power rating system into a system that is based on Chuck Norris' Roundhouse Kicks. A 2006 Mustang Cobra GT500 used to be rated at 450 horsepower. Using the current 'Roundhouse Kick' based rating system, it has 0.014 horspower.

When Chuck Norris wants to get a buzz he mixes 2kg of pure Heroine with 4L of Everclear and a 9 whole bottles of Nyquil. The actual drink has little to no effect on him but he acts drunk to seem cooler to his friends.

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris refers to himself in fourth person.

Chuck Norris is the only man alive who can speak braille.

Chuck Norris ends every relationship with "Its not me, its you".

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

Chuck Norris once had a near death experience. Needless to say, Death now refuses to come near him.

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man once ate an Indian.

Chuck Norris clogs the toilet even when he pees.

Every dinosaur skull ever found has the imprint of a size 15 cowboy boot on its jaw. Scientists are baffled, but we know damn well why.

Chuck Norris once had a heart attack; his heart lost.

Chuck Norris is fully allowed to talk about Fight Club.

Switzerland really isn't neutral. They just haven't figured out what side Chuck Norris is on yet.

Chuck Norris can open beer cans with his teeth. He still prefers to use other people's teeth, though.

Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.

Aliens do exist, have a massive fleet and are planning to attack. The plan is to wait for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.

Geico saved 100% on life insurance by switching to Chuck Norris.

If you come home to find Chuck Norris sleeping with your wife, it's probably best to go fetch a glass of water and stand there in case Chuck gets thirsty. There ain't no future in any other course of action.

Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know when Chuck Norris is going to kill you.

Chuck Norris once won the Gold, Silver and Bronze in the Women's 4-man Bobsled. It's best not to question Chuck.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked Bruce Lee so fast he sent Bruce Lee back in time where he changed his name. History remembers him as Ghengis Khan.

Chuck Norris went to a fortune teller once. She predicted pain.

Chuck Norris can roundhouse kick the bedroom light off and get under the covers before the room turns dark.

Chuck Norris once split an atom by biting it and then outran the blast.

Chuck Norris can roundhouse kick you in the face with his left leg and his right leg...at the same time.

Chuck Norris doesn't start fights. He initiates genocides.

Stephen Hawking and Chuck Norris once had a debate on the steady state theory...hence the wheelchair.

Chuck Norris once drank a gallon of milk and pooped out a stick of butter.

It is a well known fact that diamonds are the products of heat and pressure applied to coal. A little known fact though is that if you apply even more heat and pressure to a whole bag of diamonds, you'll make a Chuck Norris.

Every man other than Chuck Norris is secretly slightly gay.

Chuck Norris never stole a cookie from the cookie jar. Chuck takes whatever the crap he wants.

On Chucks first day at school, all the kids gave the teacher an apple. Chuck gave the teacher a signed copy of Missing In Action.

When Chuck Norris decides to go to sleep, the sun knows what freaking time it is.

The nuclear explosion at the end of the movie Predator is not special effects. It's stock footage of Chuck Norris farting.

When Chuck Norris was young, he went tricker-treating and put Nestle out of business.

Chuck Norris once went to McDonalds for a Breakfast Burrito at 10:35, but since it was too late he ran faster than the speed of light and went back to 9:30. Then he roundhouse kicked it so hard it became a Wendy's and he had a Junior Bacon Cheeseburger just to spite them.

Chuck Norris used to shoot down American planes in the Vietnam War just so he could resuce the P.O.W.'s for giggles.

Takeru Kobayashi once ate 50.5 hotdogs in 12 minutes to show how cool he was. Unimpressed, Chuck Norris then proceded to eat Takeru Kobayashi.

Chuck Norris filmed all 202 episodes of Walker, Texas Ranger, in one day.

If you look into a mirror and say Chuck Norris 3 times, Chuck bombs a small African Village.

There's no "i" in "team", but there's one in "Chuck Norris", one in "beating", and one in "immanent". You do the math.

I don't know what all those Indians are whining about...it was Chuck Norris' land anyway.

Every one of Chuck Norris' genes are dominant.

Once, a man asked Chuck Norris why he always roundhouse kicks. Chuck Norris opened his mouth to answer; but then Mr. T punched the guy in the chest and said, "I pity the fool who questions Chuck Norris."

The turning point of World War II was not when the allies invaded Normandy, but when Chuck Norris was born and Hitler shot himself to avoid the consequences.

******************************

Here's some Halo2 and X-Box related facts about Chuck Norris:

Chuck Norris once played Halo2 and got 19 kills in the pregame lobby.

Later on, he beat a whole team of modders using only roundhouse kicks.

Everytime Chuck Norris plays a big team battle on Halo2, it spontaneously changes from an 8-on-8 game to a 15-on-1 game and everyone on the other team strangely gets overshields, infinite cloak and unlimited sniper and rocket ammo while Chuck's handicap defaults to severe...Bungie's code crackers are still trying to figure out why. None the less Chuck is still undefeated.

On Halo2, Chuck Norris can snipe with an SMG and beat down using a warthog.

When Chuck Norris plays Halo2, the n00b combo actually increases his shields.

When Chuck got his legit 50 in rumble pit, he comitted suicide 46 times and still won using only roundhouse kicks.

Somehow Chuck Norris always gets triple kills in double team matches.

In a related note, if you make it to a legit 50 in every game type on Halo2 your rank will turn from a ring into a picture of Chuck Norris. Not that you'd ever get a legit 50 in anything.

Bungie has a new strategy to stop all the cheaters on Halo2. Everytime there is a report of cheating, the Bungie server pings the suspected I.P. and sends a 'name/address' e-mail report to Chuck Norris. Strangely enough, Bungie.net reports that there are currently 19 people playing Halo2.

Chuck Norris also is the current world champion at "Dance Dance Revolution", beating the entire game in 23 minutes using only roundhouse kicks.

*****************************

Okay. Thats enough Chuck Norris Jokes. Until Next Time,

The Armchair Chuck Norris.

Some News...

2006-02-22T11:41:00.000-08:00

Well, it's official. I'm being sued. Not me personally, but my company. A certain person (who shall remain nameless and not even hinted at due to possible legal issues) is suing my store for selling him a 'faulty computer'...well, two 'faulty computers' apparently. They both apparently don't work at all, cannot run any software, get viruses without even being on the internet and and randomly delete files and change program associations (for certain types of media) without anyone touching them whatsoever. At least that's the accusation. (?!) If that is the case, I'm guessing that Jonny 5 is alive. I might send those two sentient computers to N.A.S.A or M.I.T. It would save billions of dollars of research into A.I., seeing that there are already two early version of S.K.Y.N.E.T here in Saskatoon.

I don't understand how some people cannot fathom the phrase 'user error'. Wonders never cease. Here's a quote for the books:

I love people but I HATE customers.

Until Next Time,

The Armchair Johnny Cochrane

One last thing...

2006-02-14T23:11:00.000-08:00

Happy Valentines Day N00bs.

The #1...

2006-02-14T23:04:00.000-08:00

Yes, the Number One thing that people say to me is:

"Well, I'm pretty computer illiterate" or some variation of that comment. I was going to make a smart alec comment on this particular excuse, what with 'illiterate' meaning "unable to read and write", but when I checked Websters, it gave the definition of 'illiterate' as being:

1 : having little or no education; especially : unable to read or write
2 a : showing or marked by a lack of familiarity with language and literature b : violating approved patterns of speaking or writing
3 : showing or marked by a lack of acquaintance with the fundamentals of a particular field of knowledge

So, because of the third one, I cannot. Curses and swears all around! It seems all my customers are properly using the term, as much as the phrase annoys me. Dang it! Stupid Websters! Ruined what could have been a hilarious post! Argh! Until Next Time,

The Armchair Webster Hater

A New Experience...

2006-02-14T22:37:00.000-08:00

The other day, over the phone, a person called me a f*cking d*ck! I mean, really now?! Come on. That's about pushing the line and approaching rudeness.

His wife called regarding something that they saw at Costco. She apparently saw exactly the same computer and was wondering why our price was way higher than Costco's. (I coincedently went to Costco today and saw what he was talking about...Different brand name, smaller monitor, half the ram, half the hard drive and half the amount of processors? That is probably why the price was different...?!)

Anyway, when she called I asked her to tell me the specs on the Costco computer. She didn't have a clue but insisted that they were exactly the same as the one that I had. We talked for a few minutes and in that time I attempted to explain thatI did match competitors prices but needed a paper quote to know that I'm matching apples to apples and not apples to oranges. (I mean, what do you say when it's half the cost and she expects you to simply give her your maching for like $300 below cost?) I figured that she understood and I thanked her for her patience and promised her a 'better than average' deal for her patience.

Anyway, after I hung up, the phone rang and a man asked for "the guy who just talked to my wife". I greeted him and he preceded to insult me and call me a f*cking d*ck. Then he hung up. Yup. I think he needed a hug, but he hung up before I could offer. Dang. Until Next Time,

The Armchair Snugglebunny

Gonga Din stole my left sock.

2006-02-09T23:50:00.000-08:00

Well, not really. In fact, I don't even really know who Gonga Din is. Maybe it's actually some sort of ethnic dish. Hmm. Oh well...This simple quesiton has been running around in the back of my mind for almost 2 months now:

How is it possible for a person who makes a living using computers, who runs a computer based business, who spends 45+ hours a week working on a computer, to have basically no knowledge whatsoever about computers?

I mean, I know dozens of people who use computers for work who can navigate their way around one, or install software, or run an anti-virus program. I know plenty of other people who can install a copy of windows, or do some minor trouble shooting on their own (i.e. google a topic and read some internet tech forums), or whatever. I'm not talking about the technical stuff, like knowing how to firmware update a router, or knowing how to change a motherboard.

I mean, I have a customer who makes his living using computers with difficult and expensive software, doing fairly difficult things, and every person I've ever met in his field (I know at least 7 people in his field) is more tech savy than I am. (I can't say his name or what he does, in case he ever finds this blog and wants to sue me...he's that kinda person). This customer dropped some serious coin on a specific piece of hardware that I assumed he had the faintest clue how to run.

Well, now I win my own golden gong award for selling him a computer. He's about as good with a computer as your average Amazonian tribesman. He can turn it on, and that's pretty much it. He constantly calls me with tech support questions about the multi-hundred (or thousand) dollar software that he uses for his business. I mean, I'd think you'd learn how to run a program if your livelyhood depended on it. He doesn't have a working knowledge of the basic vocabulary of his own trade and thereby cannot explain his technical problems to me over then phone, which I'm still expected to solve. Talk about frustrating.

To top it all off, he has a short fuse and a penchant for using the word 'lawyer' flippantly and in needlessly heated conversation. Threats get you nowhere with a person who has nothing to lose (and also has legal documentation saying that he's "not responsible for software problems")

Some customers need some to be educated...others need to be entertained...and others simply need to be ushered out the door. I wish I could differentiate between the three and save myself a world of hurt. Stink. Until Next Gripe,

The Armchair Geek.

Incoming!

2006-01-31T13:47:00.000-08:00

When you pick up the phone, you know it's going to be a 'good one' (aka. horrible) when the person says:

"Hello. Is it possible for me to speak with someone competent this time?"

Yeah. Talk about setting a tone for a conversation. Dag nab it. Until Next Time,

The Armchair Tele-technician

Here's a TREAT for all you hard core fans!

2006-01-28T23:01:00.000-08:00

I've been playing a little over the last few weeks...Now this will prove whether or not my skillz with video editting and html are L337 or n00b...

MORE Python!

Why I am so filled with frustration...

2006-01-26T22:42:00.000-08:00

Here's another taste of my average day:

Me: Thanks for calling (store name...rhymes with "Asian Poodle Sprinkler"...well not really), this is The Armchair Geek talking. How can I help you?

Dinglebert McGee: Hey, I bought my computer there a while ago and had some questions.

Me: Okay. What's on your mind?

Dinglebert McGee: Well, I've been shopping around and I've found that I can get a way better deal somewhere else, so I'd like to return it.

Me: Oh? Well, let's see what you bought. (pulls up file on computer)

Dinglebert McGee: I want to game and this thing doesn't have as much stuff as one I've been looking at. I want to return it.

Me: (Stutter) Uhm...it looks like you bought it here around 5 and a half months ago. It's a little late to return it now...what's wrong with it?

Dinglebert McGee: Well, nothing is wrong. It's just that I kinda feel ripped off because I could buy a lot more for the same money.

Me: (sigh) Well, what are you looking at?

Dinglebert McGee: (reads off a list of specs...dual core A64, GeForce 7800GTX, 2 gig ram, etc.) And that thing is like $1580. That's like the same amount that I paid for mine and that's like way more stuff than mine for the same price.

Me: Well, does it come with a monitor?

Dinglebert McGee: no.

Me: Printer?

Dinglebert McGee: No.

Me: Does that price include tax?

Dinglebert McGee: No.

Me: What web site is that from again?

Dinglebert McGee: (gives url address...)

Me: Uh, okay. I've don't usually defend myself a whole lot, but I'm going to explain some things for you. First off, that price is from an American web site. That means that it's in American dollars. Plus there's taxes too...so that system is more around the $2,000 mark. Secondly, it has no printer, monitor, or even operating system on it. That machine is a bunch of assembled parts. That also will add to the price. Thirdly, you paid like $1179 for a system, monitor, printer, and whatnot and that price included taxes. That's like $400 less than the price you gave me. That machine you're looking at is well over double the cost of the one I sold you. I sold you a machine with a decent video card for like $700. So for WAY less than half the money, you got half the system...five months ago. That still seems like a good deal. So, if you want to spend like $2500, go ahead!

Dinglebert McGee: Hmmm...well, I guess. Well, how much is a new video card?

Me: Well, you can spend as much as you want. They range from $100 to $700. I'm not a parts dealer though, but I can tell you where you shop. You should go check out (names local stores).

Dinglebert McGee: Okay. thanks.

**********
Well, that was a good call, but a typical problem. "I bought it 5 months ago and want to return it because there are cheaper things out there now". Bow Wow. Until Next Time,

The Armchair Geek

2006-01-26T22:28:00.000-08:00

My real identity!

Defcon 2.3 is approaching...

2006-01-23T13:14:00.000-08:00

Okay. Today, a customer is in who wants a computer (the usual). He wants more ram in his computer and wants it installed (the usual). I then put the ram in and charged him for it...and when I tried to give him the invoice for the install, he gawked at me:

"I thought that was included in the cost".

That's sadly also 'as per usual'. The problem is that I tell people up front that I have to charge them for something and they still bitch about it. What's even worse is another person watched the whole thing, and then did the SAME thing. I then almost laughed at him, but not because of his stupid comment. I had to laugh because I have a good friend who works in a Peterbilt dealership who has the same problems all the time. The other day we were comparing tech complaint stories and he told me that he had his 1,000,000th person come in and assume:

"Isn't the install included in the cost of that (miscellaneous semi-truck part)".

Here was his response. I'm going to start saying this from now on:

"Well, it would be if you come back in 2 weeks. We're currently awaiting government approval for our application to be recognized as a non-profit organization. Sadly, until we're officially recognized as a charity, we have to charge money for labor. If you want to come back in 2 weeks, it will be free though. Sorry...my hands are tied."

Apparently some people have left but nobody has come back 2 weeks later. Wonder why? Until Next Time,

The Armchair Mechanic

I just talked to one of the Ancients!

2006-01-21T11:41:00.000-08:00

Man. I just discovered something completely un-nerving that I'm going to do to someone one day. A guy came in and talked to me about a laptop. He wanted someting cheap to run Linux. He had a very greasy mullet. He wasn't terribly articulate. None of those things bothered me in the slightest; I get stuff like that all the time.

What was it about him that spooked me out then?

He had like 1.5-2 inch nails. On all 10 fingers. *shiver*. I am dead serious. Every finger had like nails that extended out like 1.5-2 inches. Like claws...or talons. I wanted to ask him but, for some reason, I was scared. I also couldn't look away; they were hypnotic. I mean, he wasn't feminine at all...and not attractive enough to be a cross dresser (unless he dragged like a monster ditch pig). I didn't know what to do. I'm still shivering at that. MAN! That was un-nerving! Crazy go nuts! I've gotta get back to work. Until Next Time,

The Armchair Vampire Hunter