Tales of Idiocy and Woe...But Now I'm CRAZY in California!

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

The Cream of the Crap...

As many people might know, the cool thing for the next 17 minutes these days is 'Chuck Norris Jokes'. I don't know where this all started, and I don't really care. They're just amazingly stupid and every 12 year old kid on the Internet is spouting Chuck Norris jokes like they're going out of style, which of course they are. None the less, I have sorted through all 40,000 Chuck Norris Jokes (and made up several hundred of my own) and I now present some of the only good ones. There are other Chuck Norris Jokes out there, and they can all be found at:


but they're officially mostly stupid. Here's also a link to a story of how they started:


Here's the cream of the crap:

Chuck Norris is considered a prime number in certain schools in Ontario.

Chuck Norris is the only man alive whose white blood cells have black belts.

Little Miss Muffet, sat on her tuffet, eating her curds and weigh. Along came a spider, who sat down beside her, and arrived just in time to see Chuck Norris roundhouse kick her into a glacier.

An American Islamic cleric offered a $1,000,000 reward and a Rolls Royce to anyone who kills the cartoonist who drew Prophet Muhammad. After realizing that the cartoonist was Chuck Norris, the cleric gave an official apology on CNN on behalf of Islam for being so anal and in order to not risk the wrath of Chuck Norris, converted to the Official Church of Chuck Norris...aka. Scientology.

Chuck Norris once tried a speed dating service. There were no survivors.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a man so fast that his foot, traveling faster than the speed of light, travelled back in time and mistakenly killed Amelia Earhart.

Contrary to common rumor, Chuck Norris never beat up the kids when he was in elementary school and stole their lunch money. Chuck don't need money.

Chuck Norris can lift a mountain over his head with one arm and make a perfect pitcher of Kool Aid with the other.

Little kids enjoy lighting ants on fire with magnifying glasses. Chuck Norris enjoys lighting little kids on fire with ants. Scientists have yet to find out how this feat is achieved.

Every morning, Church Norris shaves his beard by running through barbed wire fences.

Chuck once bet some engineers at N.A.S.A. that he could survive re-entry from space bare naked. After jumping out of the shuttle au naturale, Chuck got into the Guiness book of Records for streaking in 17 states in 49 seconds. Also, some guys at N.A.S.A. still owe Chuck a beer.

The Ford Motor Company is currently changing the standard Horse Power rating system into a system that is based on Chuck Norris' Roundhouse Kicks. A 2006 Mustang Cobra GT500 used to be rated at 450 horsepower. Using the current 'Roundhouse Kick' based rating system, it has 0.014 horspower.

When Chuck Norris wants to get a buzz he mixes 2kg of pure Heroine with 4L of Everclear and a 9 whole bottles of Nyquil. The actual drink has little to no effect on him but he acts drunk to seem cooler to his friends.

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris refers to himself in fourth person.

Chuck Norris is the only man alive who can speak braille.

Chuck Norris ends every relationship with "Its not me, its you".

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

Chuck Norris once had a near death experience. Needless to say, Death now refuses to come near him.

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man once ate an Indian.

Chuck Norris clogs the toilet even when he pees.

Every dinosaur skull ever found has the imprint of a size 15 cowboy boot on its jaw. Scientists are baffled, but we know damn well why.

Chuck Norris once had a heart attack; his heart lost.

Chuck Norris is fully allowed to talk about Fight Club.

Switzerland really isn't neutral. They just haven't figured out what side Chuck Norris is on yet.

Chuck Norris can open beer cans with his teeth. He still prefers to use other people's teeth, though.

Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.

Aliens do exist, have a massive fleet and are planning to attack. The plan is to wait for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.

Geico saved 100% on life insurance by switching to Chuck Norris.

If you come home to find Chuck Norris sleeping with your wife, it's probably best to go fetch a glass of water and stand there in case Chuck gets thirsty. There ain't no future in any other course of action.

Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know when Chuck Norris is going to kill you.

Chuck Norris once won the Gold, Silver and Bronze in the Women's 4-man Bobsled. It's best not to question Chuck.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked Bruce Lee so fast he sent Bruce Lee back in time where he changed his name. History remembers him as Ghengis Khan.

Chuck Norris went to a fortune teller once. She predicted pain.

Chuck Norris can roundhouse kick the bedroom light off and get under the covers before the room turns dark.

Chuck Norris once split an atom by biting it and then outran the blast.

Chuck Norris can roundhouse kick you in the face with his left leg and his right leg...at the same time.

Chuck Norris doesn't start fights. He initiates genocides.

Stephen Hawking and Chuck Norris once had a debate on the steady state theory...hence the wheelchair.

Chuck Norris once drank a gallon of milk and pooped out a stick of butter.

It is a well known fact that diamonds are the products of heat and pressure applied to coal. A little known fact though is that if you apply even more heat and pressure to a whole bag of diamonds, you'll make a Chuck Norris.

Every man other than Chuck Norris is secretly slightly gay.

Chuck Norris never stole a cookie from the cookie jar. Chuck takes whatever the crap he wants.

On Chucks first day at school, all the kids gave the teacher an apple. Chuck gave the teacher a signed copy of Missing In Action.

When Chuck Norris decides to go to sleep, the sun knows what freaking time it is.

The nuclear explosion at the end of the movie Predator is not special effects. It's stock footage of Chuck Norris farting.

When Chuck Norris was young, he went tricker-treating and put Nestle out of business.

Chuck Norris once went to McDonalds for a Breakfast Burrito at 10:35, but since it was too late he ran faster than the speed of light and went back to 9:30. Then he roundhouse kicked it so hard it became a Wendy's and he had a Junior Bacon Cheeseburger just to spite them.

Chuck Norris used to shoot down American planes in the Vietnam War just so he could resuce the P.O.W.'s for giggles.

Takeru Kobayashi once ate 50.5 hotdogs in 12 minutes to show how cool he was. Unimpressed, Chuck Norris then proceded to eat Takeru Kobayashi.

Chuck Norris filmed all 202 episodes of Walker, Texas Ranger, in one day.

If you look into a mirror and say Chuck Norris 3 times, Chuck bombs a small African Village.

There's no "i" in "team", but there's one in "Chuck Norris", one in "beating", and one in "immanent". You do the math.

I don't know what all those Indians are whining about...it was Chuck Norris' land anyway.

Every one of Chuck Norris' genes are dominant.

Once, a man asked Chuck Norris why he always roundhouse kicks. Chuck Norris opened his mouth to answer; but then Mr. T punched the guy in the chest and said, "I pity the fool who questions Chuck Norris."

The turning point of World War II was not when the allies invaded Normandy, but when Chuck Norris was born and Hitler shot himself to avoid the consequences.


Here's some Halo2 and X-Box related facts about Chuck Norris:

Chuck Norris once played Halo2 and got 19 kills in the pregame lobby.

Later on, he beat a whole team of modders using only roundhouse kicks.

Everytime Chuck Norris plays a big team battle on Halo2, it spontaneously changes from an 8-on-8 game to a 15-on-1 game and everyone on the other team strangely gets overshields, infinite cloak and unlimited sniper and rocket ammo while Chuck's handicap defaults to severe...Bungie's code crackers are still trying to figure out why. None the less Chuck is still undefeated.

On Halo2, Chuck Norris can snipe with an SMG and beat down using a warthog.

When Chuck Norris plays Halo2, the n00b combo actually increases his shields.

When Chuck got his legit 50 in rumble pit, he comitted suicide 46 times and still won using only roundhouse kicks.

Somehow Chuck Norris always gets triple kills in double team matches.

In a related note, if you make it to a legit 50 in every game type on Halo2 your rank will turn from a ring into a picture of Chuck Norris. Not that you'd ever get a legit 50 in anything.

Bungie has a new strategy to stop all the cheaters on Halo2. Everytime there is a report of cheating, the Bungie server pings the suspected I.P. and sends a 'name/address' e-mail report to Chuck Norris. Strangely enough, Bungie.net reports that there are currently 19 people playing Halo2.

Chuck Norris also is the current world champion at "Dance Dance Revolution", beating the entire game in 23 minutes using only roundhouse kicks.


Okay. Thats enough Chuck Norris Jokes. Until Next Time,

The Armchair Chuck Norris.


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