Tales of Idiocy and Woe...But Now I'm CRAZY in California!

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

10 Questions I can never answer:

Oh yeah! Another 'top ten' list! This time, I'm going to explain to the unwashed masses that although I'm a 'computer expert' by virtue of simply standing in a computer store, I don't know everything. What's more, some questions are even unanswerable. Here are my favorite ones:

10. Will this do what I need? (Well, seeing as you admit that you don't know what you're going to do with it, I don't have the foggiest idea!)

9. Will this work with my printer/scanner/joystick/camera/fax/Magneto-Resonance Imager? (Well, yes and no. Yes in that as a computer, there is a way to make it work with anything. I've seen a programmer friend write software to make a Nintendo Powerpad control Internet Explorer. No in that as a dinglenut, you most likely will not be able to figure it out. So, I don't know if it will work for you.)

8. So, I'm calling about your add in the paper and I'm wondering how it works. (I get this statement all the time with the people assuming it's some form of question. I cannot answer this statement, since it's not a question.)

7. How much is a Dell (insert 57 digit model number)? (I don't know. Dell doesn't have a store anywhere and we don't sell them. Call Dell to find out their prices!)

6. Is that computer as good as a Dell (insert 57 digit model number)? (Sure. Seeing that after doing some research, that model number you gave me is actually a part number for a master cylinder on a 1987 Plymouth Sundance...?!?)

5. Will that computer run (insert name of nonsense software that doesn't exist)? (I don't know if it will run Norcomtech Intellitsys 23x Alpha. Believe it or not, I have never heard of that software. Please check the 'system requirements on the dang box. Please.)

4. Why doesn't my internet work on this? (Geez. Call your Internet Provider. Plug the ethernet cable into the ethernet port. I've had several people complain that their internet cable...ie. phone line...kept falling out of their internet plug...ie. ethernet port. Maybe you have a virus...or spyware...or your internet isn't even set up...or your router is dropping your signal...or ANYTHING! For the love!)

3. Is this a piece of crap? (I've had that question around 6 times, that I can remember. Some people think that they're witty. Others are idiots in denial of reality. And then others are simply plain RUDE.)

2. How much does a Serbian Tigger weigh? (Uh, I got this one right as I was typing this blog and had to put it in. Uh, do you mean "Siberian Tiger"? I didn't know Tiggers with religious affiliations. Thanks.)

1. My computer is (insert random words, sounds, symptoms, etc.)...what's wrong? (Well, let's see. It was clicking, and didn't run MSN, and crashed when you loaded all your games at the same time? Hmmm...that sounds exactly like oatmeal on the motherboard. Do you have any toddlers around there?)

Oh, and here's a bonus question:

***Where can I get free software?*** (usually accompanied with a timely wink)

Well, working in a computer store and selling things like software, I won't tell you how you can skin me. Also, that's illegal and is called piracy. I won't help you break the law...call me crazy, but that $1,000,000 fine that I'd get for piracy (because I'm a business...remember!) is NOT worth keeping your royal cheapness as a customer. Yes, it's true that I have downloaded every program known to man and have a spindle of around 100 DVD's of hacked, pirated and otherwise illegitimate software. That's because I know how to hack and pirate software. I'm not sharing that with you while I'm at work though...so cry me a river.

Until Next Time,

The Armchair Dave Letterman


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