Tales of Idiocy and Woe...But Now I'm CRAZY in California!

Saturday, September 17, 2005

Memories from the OTHER Huricane...

Well, back to school season is slowly coming to a halt as classes commence and those who needed to buy laptops for surfing the net in the back of the class have purchased them. This means that I've made a little more money this month, but my Tylenol budget went up by a factor of 13. Why, you say? Here's a smattering of what came out on the couch last night as I was at my weekly 'session' with my therapist:

1. Laptop computers are now going for $799, and people for some reason think that the one that is $799 is the loaded model. It seems like everyone in the last 6 weeks has said "Why would I want to buy that one, with double everything, when this one with nothing is like $150 less?" Somebody get me a brandy. If I had a dime for everytime I have had to explain to someone why a computer with more speed, memory and features is more money, I'd buy a country. And not a little, crappy country like Naru or Liechtenstein. Oh no. I'd buy a country with a nuclear weapons program, like Pakistan. Or North Korea. Awe yeah. Nuclear Fracking Weapons.

2. I actually had a customer in here who couldn't remember how to spell his first name. I'm not kidding. When someone wants to finance a computer and they don't know how to spell their own dang name, chances are they don't have good credit or a big coin job. Not to discriminate, but a primitive and yet blazingly effective way to measure an individual's success level in life is to gauge them as to their ability at 5 "S"es. The things that start with an "S" that many of my friends take for granted, but some people find to be insurmountable obstacles. Here's some free information from my new book on leadership called "The S's of Success":

"S" number 1. Sleeping. You realize that you need to sleep at night and don't instead try to do that during the day, while you should be at work. I find that most people who show up 4 hours late for work because they were up until 5:00am the previous day usually don't work for long.

"S" number 2. Showering. Some people have not figured out that if they smell like a diuretic camel, I kinda don't want to be around them and/or do business with them and it is actually a problem in a work environment. Basic hygiene is a miracle for some folks and actually limites their abilities to get jobs. Don't get all 'high and mighty' with me too...you've been around Stinky McGee and as much as you're sensitive and considerate, you wanted to bolt for the door too. Admit it.

"S" number 3. Suit. Now by 'suit' I mean 'suit to suit'. Dress to match the occasion. Don't wear a tuxedo when you're working derrick on a rig, and don't wear fire retardant coveralls when you're serving at a fancy restaurant. Wear clothes that make sense with what you're doing. If you think you're first day on the job is a great time to wear your "earth first: we'll log the rest of the planets later" shirt, you most likley will need to keep those extra copies of your resume.

"S" number 4. Spelling. If you cannot spell the word "spell", or your own name for that matter, it's a sure bet that you're not going to be driving that Mercedes anytime soon.

"S" number 5. Subtraction. Basic math skills are a must. I once was a Burger King and had a meal that came to something like $8. I gave the girl at the till a $20 and she gave me like $19.79 change, as well as my $20 back. Now I told her that she gave me the wrong amount of change and she then took my $20 back and proceeded to give me like $15 something, the second time. I'm not sure whether she was having fun at my expense or something, but if she was seriously unable to figure out that 20 minus 8 is 12, she's most likely at Wendy's now.

I'll be on tour with John Maxwell for a few weeks in November, so come out to my book signings.

3. I had an argument with a customer regarding the adage "you get what you pay for". I was trying to explain to this customer that, as a rule, things that are better quality usually cost more money. I used the example of a Lada compared to a Cadillac, saying that a $9,000 Lada Riva is a lower quality car than a $60,000 Cadillac Seville DTS. She laughed at me and told me that the only difference was the brand name and the price difference was because the one company was ripping everyone off (and insinuated that I was attempting to rip them off too). Apparently a Lada Riva and a Cadillac Seville DTS cost the same to manufacture. How people ever survive to middle adulthood wilst being sooo unbelievably lobotomized is probably my biggest argument against Darwinian evolution. Survival of the fittest? How come that one's still alive and driving a Lexus? What do you say Chuck D?

4. I had my worst nightmare come true: Seniors who were buying their first computer, had never ever used one before (farmers), had 20 minutes to buy one and run, and were determined to buy one. I tried to walk them but they were intent on buying one. They didn't know anything at all...and I mean anything. They wanted it to never break and read their minds and make them breakfast and wouldn't let me discourage their attempt at a purchase. I imagine they'll throw it out a window in a month in an effort to get their "windows" working or something insane like that. Worst of all, they'll tell their friends a boatload of BS about me and how I took advantage of them or whatever. Sheesh.

5. I had a guy tell me that he was a software designer and knew everything about the software side, but he didn't know what a Pentium was, nor what RAM did. He apparently didn't get involved with the "tech side" of computers. So you're a software designer, eh? Sure thing buddy. He was shopping with the king of Spain, apparently functioning with the tech friend. I'm sure they ended up buying a stack of pancakes with a keyboard and a mouse and now are wondering why all their CD's are sticky after they burn them.

Well, that's all that I have time for. Until Next Time,

The Armchair HynoSalesman


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