Tales of Idiocy and Woe...But Now I'm CRAZY in California!

Saturday, May 27, 2006

Another Golden Gong?

Now, for those of you familiar with this blog, you understand how awesome I am. I am mind numbingly excellent in my glorious ability to deal with people of all shapes and sizes, with both little and no intellect, and take abuse like nobodies business. I rarely lose either my tongue or my cool (though I AM a human being), and I have learned to laugh both with and at customers...hence I'm still a few inches south of being clinically insane. But every now and then, there's a person who is so 'head and shoulders' above the rest, so cranially malfunctioning and so obnoxiously rude that he doesn't even merit the covetted Golden Gong award. Blasting far past the standards of the Golden Gong like a duiretic elephant at a Texas 5-alarm chili tasting festival, some people merit the Platinum Gong...the GONG of Gongs.

Now I'm not saying that the person to whom I refer now IS a Platinum Gong recipient, but his name has been submitted to the Accademy for nomination this year. He's definitely a nominee for "best male performance in a show about warranty frustrations".

Now my dedicated readers will have pieced together the following details from my various pulitzer winning posts:

1. My store sells new and refurbished products.
2. Some people are afraid of refurbished products.
3. Some people think that God owes them a medal for simply existing.
4. Some people have their heads shover so far up their butts that they have to open their mouths to see.

So, NOW I get to my condensed version of the conversation:

Customer: Hello, is Chuck Norris (Store Manager) there?

Me: No, Chuck Norris is not here. He's taking names and, well, you know...

Customer: Okay. Well, I would like to complain. (You know it's going to be good when they announce their intentions in complaining).

Me: Okay. You tell me what happened and I'll see what I can do for you.

Customer: Well, you f***ing guys sold me a f***ing piece of s**t camera and it worked for five f***ing months and now it doesn't work anymore. I brought it in and you f***ing guys sent it away to the manufactuer to f***ing get fixed and it's been three f***ing weeks and it's still not done!

Me: Okay. So let me make sure I understand you. Your camera stopped working and we sent it away for you and it has been three weeks and it still isn't back, correct?

Customer: That's what I f***ing just said! F**K ME! I mean, when I go to a store and give them my f***ing money, I expect customer service! I mean, when some f***ing customer has a problem with me, I f***ing take care if it! Your customer service is a complete load of f***ing b***s**t! (Starts getting VERY excited about how he gives the best customer service in the cosmos and keeps swearing like a Russian Sailor, but he eventually has to take a break to breathe.)

Me: Well, I'm sure your camera will get fixed. They always do. Sadly it won't matter because if you don't stop getting worked up unneccesarily, you'll be dead from a heart attack by the time your camera is returned. Possibly someone has informed you that cussing and getting exceedingly angry makes people want to help you out more. I'm afraid that such is not the case here. I can definitely try to help you sir, but I don't want your death on my conscience.

Customer: What the f**k are you talking about? You're damn right I'll be f***ing dead by the time I get my camera back! You give me totally b***s**t service and now try to make excuses for yourself? Well let me tell you a f***ing thing or two! I bought a laptop from you and it's broken too and I'm scared to bring it in to get fixed because you'll have it for a year too!

Me: Well, now you're just being silly. We've never had anything take a year to get fixed. Besides, I'm unsure why you are calling me regarding this camera anyway. It's not even getting fixed here. It was a new camera so it was sent back to the manufacturer for warranty repair. We fix the refurbished stuff here, but the new stuff always get's manufacturers warranty. That's the joy of buying new; dealing with the manufacturer's warranty.

Customer: Now you're f***ing lying to me! I dropped it off there to get fixed. First you give me s***ty service and now you f***ing lie to my f***ing face!

Me: Well, actually I am telling you the truth. I remember when you brought it in, asking us to fix it. We explained to you that the warranty was done by the manufacturer and, being the nice guys we are, we offered to even send it into the manufacturer for you.

Customer: Whatever! You can f***ing make up stories all day long. Bottom line is that I want a new camera! I'm going to come down there and get a new f***ing camera, cause the one you sold me was a piece of s**t!

Me: Well, I wish things were that simple. The manufacturer has to make that call. I don't know if it is faulty or if you actually broke it. The manufacturer will check the camera out and examine it, then give their verdict. If it's a faulty camera, I'm sure they'll replace it for you. If you broke it, you may have to pay for repairs. I don't know anything about that though, seeing as I'm simply the merchant. I could give you the manufacturers number though...

Customer: What a f***ing shock! You don't know anything! I coulda f***ing told you that! This is a f***ing waste of my time! I'm going to call Chuck Norris on Monday and tell him what's what. Have a nice f***ing day!

Me: Thanks! You have a good day too!


Now that conversation was shortened do to the fact that it was absolutely boring (and containing WAY more expletives). He went on and on for probably 3-4 actual minutes about how customer service works and whatnot, and he's not even in retail. I also told him a few stories about how I've personally been screwed on warranties and whatnot, and that only fueled his rage; what with my attempts to empathize with him and all. I was actually amazed that he could sustain his tremendous huff as long as he did too...that shows some real effort on his part. Anyway, that was one of the strangest, most annoying, and yet most entertaining phone calls I've had all year. Let's have a round of applause for our nominee! Until Next Time,

The Armchair Warranty Repairman

(Is "repairman" one word or two?)


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