Tales of Idiocy and Woe...But Now I'm CRAZY in California!

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Time for some FLAMING Heresy!

Well, it's time now for some humerous heresy...and some good old "Corn Fed Iowa FLAMING Heresy" at that!

You all remember Dan Brown's theological classic "The Davinci Code"? Well, I've got something new that combines a more conservative, "Left Behind" view of scripture (well, kinda) with the science of "Jurassic Park". "Oh no...here it comes" is probably what you're thinking, and rightly so. HA!

So today, in an anonymous class, we were hammering through some of Exodus, specifically some of the issues regarding the plagues of Egypt. And I got thinking again. Oh dear.

So we were talking about the plagues, that they occured exactly in the way that the Bible gives account, right? When Exodus says that the "Nile turned to blood" and whatnot, it actually turned into blood...like real blood. (And if anyone wants to debate this stuff, that's not the porpoise of this blog. You can go to my serious blog if you desire to fight about this stuff. Try that here and I will respond via freestyle rap)

Anyway, what does blood have in it but hemoglobin, t-cells, etc. and DNA. So whose DNA was it? Well, that's where my new Christian fiction novel would take over. Imagine some biblical archeologist finds pot with blood in it (or in a bucket...or whatever. I'll sort out the fact later). Anyway, through some sort of realistic sounding archeological mumbo-jumbo the archeologist says "Eureka! This jar is from the time of the exodus, so this blood must be from the first plague!"

Then, he takes the blood from the pot into the lab and gives it to a hematologist or something who then says "Dave (my archeologist), this blood has DNA in it!" Then, against government mandates and in an illegal underground lab, they make a clone from the DNA. So, who do they find in the cloning chamber when the clone comes full term and comes to life? I'm open to ideas. I'm currently thinking:

1. Jesus.
2. Moses.
3. Aaron.
4. Adam.
5. Eve
6. Melchizedek
7. A Tyrannasaurus
8. Pharaoh himself!
9. The Rock (playing the role of a Nephilim)
10. Creflo Dollar
11. John MacArthur (my personal favorite)
12. Colonel Saunders (Who also turns out to be Melchidedek...I'd think that would be the funniest.)
13. The Angel Gabriel (probably also played by the Rock)

Any other good ideas? I like the idea of it being God's DNA, and the blood from the nile ends up matching a sample taken from the shroud of turin, leading to this massive conspiracy that is covered up by the catholic church to prove that Jesus WAS God. "But why would the Catholics cover THAT up?" For that you'll have to read the book. Sounds like a real page turner! Until Next Time,

The Armchair Flaming Heretic

Here's what some leading theologians from Yale Divinity School thought of my new book idea (You don't get high quality theological commentary at that OTHER Armchair's website...he's so serious and such a stick in the mud!):

( disclaimer: The Armchair Geek does not support the combination of alcohol and headbanging. Such things originally lead to the JEPD theory and the founding of Gnosticism.)


  • its unfortunant...that your now going to hell :(

    By Blogger wagboy, at 3:20 PM  

  • I was going to say that I have to agree with wyatt... but that was one nice video, it explained it all and now i agree with you....

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 3:55 PM  

  • i agree with chad i have seen the error of my ways ...

    By Blogger wagboy, at 4:11 PM  

  • Yeah...that video gives quite a compelling argument. It's probably the driving point behind my main thesis. Glad you came around.

    By Blogger The Armchair Geek, at 3:59 AM  

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