Tales of Idiocy and Woe...But Now I'm CRAZY in California!

Thursday, December 15, 2005


I just had a phone conversation with our favorite customer; Legion. They called wanting a very specific product, like they always do when they call every other day. Here's the conversation:

Legion: (sounding like a chain smoking Optimus Prime) Greetings my pretty! I seek information regarding your wares!

Me: Well paint me purple and call my Gargamel! Legion! You've found me via telecommunication once again! How hath thee beheld me?

Legion: SILENCE! You shalt speak in answer to my queries!

Me: Yes, my liege!

Legion: I seek some Altec Lansing AD2421 speakers with the version 2 input pod!

Me: I have no knowledge of what ramblings you suggest! You brain may be laden with delta9-tetrahyrdocannabinol!

Legion: NEVER! I know all about all!

Me: I see. Well let me check my stock. (holds phone away from ear for 8 seconds and stares off into the sunset). It appears that we do not sell such wares, nor have we ever had them for purchase. Why does though require such a specific model of merchandise? Is it possible that another type of product could interest you?

Legion: NO! I need such speakers for the bi-hourly checking of my e-mail! I need a subwoofer with a crossover of specifically 160 hz for maximum fidelity of the various chimes and beeps of the world wide web and the windows which it is viewed therein! With no such product for my prospective purchase, I may need call another merchant and publicly parade my ignorance?!

Me: Legion! Hold fast thy tongue! May it be that in thine haste a foul e'er has been committed? May I suggest an alternate course of action?

Legion: You may!

Me: I suggest that you refrain from seeking items based upon nonsensical numbers that you have received from your oracle. Come hither to my shoppe and examine my wares for thyself. If thou regardest any of my materials with delighted eye, you may choose purchase at such time.

Legion: Hmmm...NO! I shall NOT! You seek to deceive me! Foul traitor! You shall pay for your deception!

Me: No! Wait! I only seek to give thee truth!

Legion: CHARLATAN! (hangs up phone with a mighty slam)

Me: *sigh*

Yup. That's the phone call I get every other day or so. Legion calls, looking for something that they completely don't understand. They 'run numbers' in an effort to appear like they have the faintest clue that they know what they're talking about. They compare completely different items and think they are the same. In a tsunami of inebriated discourse and bumfuzzlingly ramshackle rationalizations, they attempt to justify their efforts to buy something that either doesn't exist or is exceedingly beyond/below what they would ever need for the job they have in mind...though usually in less archaistic English. Usually. Either way, 'Numb3rs' customers are often some of the most frustrating. The people that come into a computer store and run numb3rs are the same people that go to the doctor and argue with his diagnosis on the basis of a Readers Digest article. Unfathomable. Until Next Time,

The Armchair Emotionally Carbunclated Geek


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