Tales of Idiocy and Woe...But Now I'm CRAZY in California!

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Pulitzer in the making...

Yeah. Something completely different than normal. Check out this review of my favorite Saturday Morning Cartoon from when I was a kid:


Hilarious. This moment of stupidity was brought to you by me,

The Armchair Hercules

Thursday, April 13, 2006

Me and my big mouth...

Yeah...Occasionally the 'inner monologue' slips out. I plead temporary insanity based on the resurgence of residual nicotine into my system from a cigarette that I smoked in sixth grade. Anyway, here's the conversation:

Me: Hello, you've reached the Canadian Branch of the Tamil Tigers (NOT my real store name, and NO, I did not actually say that...that's not the tongue slip...)

Customer: Hello there. What's your cheapest computer?

Me: Well, we have systems starting at $399.

Customer: What's in it?

Me: Sempron 3100+, 512 megs ram, 40 gig hard drive, cd burner, windows xp, (and so on...)

Customer: Why is that so expensive?

Me: Oh? Is that expensive?

Customer: Yeah. Zellers has a computer with like double that stuff and a DVD burner for like $299. Why are you guys so expensive?

Me: I'm sorry, I think I misheard you. Where was that you say?

Customer: Zellers.

Me: Well, would you really want to purchase a computer from Zellers? I mean, it may be cheap, but are you ever going to get service or technical support from Zellers? You may save a dollar up front (and I checked the internet...all is numbers were wrong, no dvd-burner and the system was $429) but you'll most likely end up paying extra for all the tylenol that you'll consume when you run into a problem.

Customer: Well, I won't need support on it. It's a new computer. There shouldn't be any problems. (Not only a new computer, but most likely his first computer...lol)

Me: Okay. Don't get me wrong here. I'm not suggesting that you need to buy from my store. I'd just wonder if Zellers is the kind of store where you'd want to buy a computer from. I mean, you would never buy ground beef at Midas, would you?

Customer: Okay. You're an idiot. (hangs up)


Yeah. The whole "ground beef at Midas" comment was totally out of place. Although funny, the Russian judge gave me a 1.3 on artistic merit. My stupid mouth! I usually keep it in check well, but that one slip will come back to haunt me...I just know it! Doh! Until Next Time,

The Armchair Austin Powers

("How can I tell them that because of the unfreezing process, I have no inner monologue?")

Monday, April 10, 2006

A Dilemma...

...Now I've heard the adage "the customer is always right". I've had that thrown in my face more times that I could recount. As of today, I have a new one, specifically for people who work in hi-tech:

The Customer is Always Stupid

Not to sound rude, but more often than not, it's true. Here's the call:

Me: Thanks for calling (store name). How can I help you?

Customer: Hello. I'm told that you buy old computers.

Me: Well, we do take some things in on trade, depending on the item. What have you got?

Customer: Well, I have a computer. It's a Viewsonic.

Me: Uh, I'm guessing that is the brand name of the monitor. I don't need to know the brand name as much as I need to know the type of processor, ram and hard drive it has. You wouldn't know those off the top of your head by chance?

Customer: Well, how much is it?

Me: Uh, it's impossible to say without knowing what it is. If you want, you could drop it off here for a day or two and we could check it out and tell you what kinda system it is, then give you a price.

Customer: Okay. What's it worth? I just want a ballpark.

Me: Again, I cannot give you a definitive price because I don't know what kinda computer you have. The details about the components make a tremendous difference in how much money it's worth.

Customer: Well, what do good, used computers go for?

Me: Well, it could be anywhere from 10 to 500 dollars, depending on how old it is and what kinda computer it is.

Customer: 500 dollars? That sounds about right! Thanks! (hangs up)

Me: What? Hello?

Until Next Time,

The Armchair Pawn Shop

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

A Recent Intelligence Report...

...Suggests that none of our operative have encountered any intelligence. I've been not blogging much on this blog as of late, but here's some of the stuff that has happened over the last 2 weeks or so:

1. I had a woman come in with a full beard. Not the typical "feminine fuzz" either. That's understandable and easily tolerated...but this woman had like hair on her upper lip, cheeks and chin that was like a whole centimeter long. It wasn't very thick but it was very unsettling. It was hard to not stare...but I'm a trooper and stood strong. Still, I didn't really think women ever could look like that...uh, yeah.

2. I have had several calls regarding the playstation 3. I don't have a clue where people get their information, but my store doesn't have them. They're not released until November. No store anywhere has them. STOP CALLING!

3. I have had enough of people asking "is that taxes in?", as if it's some sort of sneaky bargaining strategy. In North America, retail price never includes taxes...at least not anywhere I've ever shopped. Please stop asking that question. It's not sneaky and you're not that stupid.

4. I had a woman call me the other night to complain that she got ripped off when she bought her computer. Well, that's not exactly how it went. Apparently she bought a system from us over a year ago. She had recently somehow seen some sort of computer flyer and noticed at how much cheaper they are a year after she bought hers. She was very unsettled at how things were so much cheaper at someone else's store than they were at ours, and she called to inform me that she was not impressed with my store. I talked to her for 8 minutes, trying to explain that prices drop on technology regularly, but she refused to listen. Apparently she had a friend who was a 'computer expert' who told her that she got ripped off...though the fact had apparently come to her attention the previous day and was important enough to merit a heated phone call. I tried everything I could to get through to her, but everytime I said anything she insisted that she didn't have a problem with me, since I didn't sell her the machine. She just wanted to bring this important information to somebody's attention, so the injustice of over-charging wouldn't happen again. Sheesh!

5. I had a person call me and ask me what was wrong with their computer. Now that's not uncommon...what was uncommon was that they couldn't answer a single question that I had. They didn't know the symptoms, they didn't know what they were doing when 'it' happened, they didn't know if it would start and they didn't even know what kind of computer or operating system they had. I felt like one of the wisemen trying to tell Nebuchadnezzar his dream and then interpret it...

6. This one was awesome. A girl came in with a 3 month old bag and tried to return it because she "had found something nicer at another store". I told her that she couldn't because it was 3 months old and she responded that the salesman had told her that she could return it at any time for a full refund. I told her to come back and then talk to the salesman in an effort to return her bag after 3 months for a full refund. No beans. I'm shocked.

I've also had my rash of silly credit questions (and the standard 2 people a day who try to finance something without a job or any credit at all), they constant confessions of "I'm completely illiterate with this stuff" and much other general insanity. Well, I'm off to get my laundry. Until Next Time,

The Armchair Soothsayer

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Some people's kids...

...Uh yeah. Sorry I've been all gone for a while, but I've been busy in my alter-ego fighting more important theological battles. Anyway, here's a Jem for you. The conversation is as ensues:

Customer: Hey there! I'm looking for that package that was in the paper for $599.

Me: Sure. The system is this one here (points to machine and tells specs).

Customer: And does it come with a monitor?

Me: Yes. This monitor (points) is the monitor that comes with it.

Customer: What about the printer?

Me: Well, we're currently sold out of the printer so we'll have to order it in for you. It's a (describes item) and it's a good basic unit.

Customer: You don't have them?

Me: No. We recently sold the last one so I'd have to order one from another store for you.

Customer: Hmm. What kind of printer is it?

Me: (Gives printer description again).

Customer: Ah. What does it look like? Do you have one here that I can see?

Me: (*sigh*) Uh, well like I've said, we don't have any here; we sold out of them. I could show you a picture from the internet if you'd like.


And the conversation went on and on, in like fashion. Some days I wonder why I get out of bed...sheesh. Until the next time,

The Armchair Printer