Tales of Idiocy and Woe...But Now I'm CRAZY in California!

Sunday, August 28, 2005

Wing the Wong Num-ba...

I'm pretty sure someone out there is extraordinarily confused. The following conversation just happened over the phone:

Customer: Hello, do you sell I-Pods?

Me: No, we don't. You could check out (names various shops).

Customer: Okay, thanks.


The thing is, the same guy called back a second time and asked the same thing.

Then he called back a third time and I told him he had a wrong number.

If he calls back again to ask if we had I-Pods, I'm going to tell him we have them on sale for 75% off with a free I-trip, I-talk, car adapter and USB connecting cable and we only have 3 left and he'd better rock down to the store before they're all sold out.

So far, he hasn't called. I hope he does though. I need some entertainment today. Until Next Time,

The Armchair I-Pod

Friday, August 26, 2005


Oh Mine Leiben. Words fail me. Behold:

Me: Thanks for calling (store). My name is (name), how can I help you?

Customer: Well, I bought a computer from you and I was washing it today and now it won't turn on.

M: Washing it? Like with water?

C: Yeah. It was real dirty so I washed it. Now it won't even turn on.

M: uh...mmm...wowww...ah...okay. So you washed your computer, with water, and now it won't work.

C: Yeah. Do you know what's wrong with this thing?

M: I have an idea. I'd recommend bringing it in so we can look at it. Maybe there's something we can do.

C: Okay. I'll be down in a little while.

Washing it? With WATER? Words fail me. I CAN award the golden gong though. And I did. Congratulations. Until Next Time,

The Armchair Washer

Read and weep...

Details matter. Behold the following conversation my tech had (I didn't have the conversation so I won't have all the details perfect, but I'll recount it for you):

Customer: Hey. I'm wondering if the computer I have now can be upgraded.

Tech: Well, most likely. What do you mean by 'upgraded'?

C: I want to run Windows XP on it.

T: Well, when did you buy it?

C: 3 years ago. It was a good computer back then.

T: 3 years? Oh? You bought it then and it didn't already come with Windows XP?

C: No. It's running a different version of Windows.

T: Do you know which version?

C: Windows 3.1.

T: ?! Windows 3.1?! That's a real old version of windows!

C: Yeah. That's why I want to upgrade.

T: It sounds like your computer is a LOT older than 3 years old...

C: Well, it was used when I got it. But I got it for a good price.

T: I don't think I want to know what you paid for it. It sounds like it's like 10 years old.

C: I don't know how old it is. I thought it was like 4 years old. Maybe not.

T: Maybe not...well none the less, I don't think it will run Windows XP.

C: That stinks. Well, thanks for the information.

T: Have a great day!

I personally have conversations like this every day. People get taken for a ride all the time, buying old crap for nine times the worth of the product. Poor suckers. Come buy from me. At least I'm honest, and if you're an idiot, the worst thing that will happen from you is that you'll end up on a blog. Fair deal? Thought so. Until Next Time,

The Armchair Blogger

Thursday, August 25, 2005

The Best Line EVER!

Today I received confirmation that the minds of some people are actually malfunctional. A living, shopping, human being delivered the following line today:

"Well, why would I want to get a better computer when this one's the same price?" (refering to a competitors deal which was less of a computer for the same cost as my offering)

A Chigga Chigga Chigga....WHAT?! I don't understand how that's a question. Computer 'A' is more features and performance than computer 'B' and they're the same cost. Doesn't logic dictate that computer 'A' is offers more for the money and, ergo, is a better purchase? Well, not to the wonderful man I was talking to today. Unbefreakinglievable. I'd like to see him working as a nutritionist...

"Sir, in order to reach your weight loss goals, I recommend you get off that Jenny Craig and get on the Olson diet."

Until Next Time,

The Armchair Bumfuzzled Nancy

Saturday, August 20, 2005

Funny Customer Day...

Okay. Every now and then I get a treat. It's a customer that has a good sense of humor and actually has a 'tech friend' who's not a moron. I basically gripe and give 'golden gong' awards on this blog, but today it's a 'happy post'. Conversation excerpts as follows:

Customer: Is this computer fast on the internet?

Me: Well, that depends on what you're doing. It'll be super fast on MSN but not so fast if you're trying to hack a triple firewall on the FBI main servers. You're not going to be hacking the FBI though, are you?

Customer: I don't really use MSN.

Me: That's not a 'no'. Excuse me for a second while I make an inconspicuous phone call.


Customer: So, does this machine have an AGP port?

Me: (winks at tech friend) Well, do know what an AGP port is?

Customer: No, not really.

Me: In that case, it has two.


Tech Friend: What kind of RAM is in this?

Me: PC3200 DDR2 Ram.

Tech Friend: Sata?

Me: Yes.

Tech Friend: Dual Layer?

Me: No.

Customer: What are you talking about?

Me: Politics.

Customer: Oh. Can we get back to finding out if this is the right computer for me?

Tech Friend: We've already established that. Try to keep up. The subject matter has moved with the flow of conversation...gee whiz!

Customer: I'm going out to the car.


Customer: How much is extended warranty?

Me: (gives price). That would cover parts and labour on your system.

Customer: Well, I'm sure (name's tech friend) can fix it for me.

Tech Friend: What? No! I'm not taking the blame when you torch this baby!

Customer: WHAT? What good are you? Why are you here?

Tech Friend: Free lunch.

Customer: What? I never promised you any...

Tech Friend: I'm going out to the car.

Me: Extended warranty?

Customer: Seeing that "Useless McGee" won't help me, give the most you've got!



Good times. The customer told me that shopping for a computer at my store was the most fun they've ever had shopping. Period. I am the shiznizzle. W00t! Until Next Time,

The Armchair Comedian

Thursday, August 18, 2005

The Nominee of the day for the Golden Gong!

Okay. I've been at work for less than an hour and I already think I found the Golden Gong recipient of the day. Here's an excerpt from a conversation regarding financing:

Me: Okay. I need some more information. Is your husband working?

Customer: Yes. He's a (profession)

Me: Okay. Who does he work for?

C: (names a person)

M: ?! Is that the company name?

C: No. That's the person he works for.

M: Okay...? What's his after tax take home pay?

C: He doesn't pay taxes. He works for (person) and gets paid under the table so he doesn't pay taxes. He gets paid lots though.

M: Woah...hang on a sec. Your husband works illegally and now you're trying to borrow money from a financial institution. They'll check your income claims against official records and see that your husband isn't officially employed. I'd guess that's not the smartest idea since that information might get into the wrong hands...ie. Revenue Canada. They might have some 'questions' for you when you claim he makes $3,000 a month and they've shown him as 'unemployed' for a decade or whatnot.

C: No, it should be fine. We've never had a problem yet. It's okay.

M: Well, if you say so...

***I'm often surprised at how open people are about things like that. Amazingly, they didn't get financing. I'm stunned. I also saw a "Revenue Canada" car speeding by my store with the driver struggling to load a shotgun while he steered with his knee. Wonder if there's a connection? Until Next Time,

The Armchair Tax Consultant

Friday, August 12, 2005

Time for the thinking caps...

Okay. It's imagination time again. It's 'cocky customer' day; the day where clueless people come in and argue with me about things that don't even exist. Like Mr. "I need a dual processor machine because windows XP Home runs so much faster with two processors". So, because of 'cocky customer' day, it's time to put on our imagination caps and pretend that one of my customers today tries his/her tomfoolery at a car dealership. Behold the imaginary conversation:

Salesman: Good afternoon! Welcome to (car dealership name)! How's things?

Customer: (not making eye contact and looking everywhere but at the salesperson) ...mmm...(nods).

Salesman: So you looking for something in particular?

Customer: Well yes. I'm need a truck. I was looking at your trucks and I need something better than what you got here.

S: Oh? What exactly do you mean?

C: I need something with a v-10 or maybe a v-12. Do you have something like that?

S: A v-10 or a v-12? Well, those are not very common. I know Dodge makes a v-10 for some of their trucks, but I'm pretty sure that nobody makes v-12 trucks, at least for consumer use.

C: Well, I have a friend with a v-12 truck. In fact, he's got two v-12 trucks. I want one like his.

S: Really? Well that's interesting. What kind of truck does he have?

C: I don't know. I'm not like a mechanic or anything. (rolls eyes)

S: Okay. Well, let's try a different approach. Tell me what your needs are and I'll try to help you find something good for what you need.

C: Okay. I want to haul some soil and I need to pull a trailer every now and then.

S: What kinda trailer?

C: Well, a 8 foot U-haul trailer. I use it to move things from time to time.

S: And you think you need a v-12 for that kinda work? I'm pretty sure that you would survive with a v-8, or even a v-6.

C: Yeah, but my trailer will be heavy. I'll probably need to pass people on the highway too. I'll need lots of horsepower for that.

S: Not really...I mean, I have a v-6 truck and I can do that fine.

C: Well, I'm also planning on going to Alberta too. They have some pretty huge hills there. I don't need to get to a hill and not be able to continue because my underpowered truck cannot climb hills while towing 1500 pounds. I know I need a v-12.

S: ?! Uh, running out of steam would be not fun. I can pretty much tell you that an 8 foot trailer wouldn't be a problem in Alberta though, or even in BC, even with a v-6.

C: Well, my friend is a welder for Doepker Trailers and he paints trailers and he knows several truckers and they all tell me to get something with 500+ horsepower and most likely a v-12.

S: Yeah, if you're driving a rig that might be the case, though I'm sure even rigs don't have v-12s. None the less, you should buy what you think you need. If you think you need a rig, you should go buy a Kenworth. Sadly, I don't have that, but here's my card none the less. If you have trouble finding your v-12 truck, give me a call and I'll see if I can't help you find something more reasonable in your...

(Customer snatches card and walks away mid sentence.)

S: Have a good day!

***Yup. That's about it. Until Next Time,

The Armchair Imagination Station

Thursday, August 11, 2005

The Coveted Golden Gong Is Awarded Early!

Yes shopping fans. Today, unlike most days, sees the coveted golden gong award beling delivered early in the day, before the other competition has even arrived, to what judges suspect will be a knockdown performance by 'Mr. Customer'. Here is the instant playback feed from our on the scene cameras:

(Man walks in with family in town; wife, teenage son and teenage daughter)

Customer: Good morning. I saw your ad in the paper and was interested in getting one of those packages.

Me: Great! I've still got two of those systems and I think I've got some of those monitors...let me check.

Customer: Okay...Um, which monitor comes with it?

Me: It's one of these CRT 17 inch monitors here.

C: No, that's not the one in the picture. The one in the picture looks like that.

M: Yes, it does. But the picture in the ad is a picture that the graphic designers most likely found on the internet and put on the ad. It's not meant to show exactly what you're getting but instead is meant to be give a general idea of what the product looks like; ie. whether it's a laptop or desktop. That's why there's a disclaimer on the bottom that says "Not all systems as illustrated."

C: (obviously getting angry) WHAT?! What kind of f*cking bullsh*t FALSE advertising is that? What a bunch of BULLSH*T! (turns and storms out, with wife getting red faced and embarrased and both adolescents rolling their eyes.)

M: Okay. Have a great day!

***One word. Wow. I'm curious as to how people with such short fuses live to be 40. I must admit that for me, at such encounters, it's very difficult to choke back laughter. None the less, I hope Mr. Customer enjoys shopping in the 21st century. I wonder if he's ever been on the internet where everyone is truthful and where there's never misleading information about anything? He should meet Frank Chu. In fact, you should too. Here's some links about my favorite nutcase on the web. Be warned. Frank is crazy go nuts. Check these out:






Oh Yeah! Vive le Zegnatronic Rocket Society! Until Next Time,

The Armchair Nutcase

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

The Truth About The Bottom Dollar...

...Okay. Here in Saskatoon, it seems that everyone is cheap. Not just cheap, but CHEAP. Not just CHEAP, but irrationally and maniacally cheap. Although this should not shock me, what with being in Mennonite country and all, it's very annoying. What's worst is that I work at a computer store, selling Silicon Valley's finest wares to the unwashed masses.

With technological peddling, one assumes that people don't really have a clue what they're shopping for...and one can never escape the fact since every Tom, Dick and Hairy trumpets their 'technical illiteracy' (if only they worded it as such) in like manner to a howler monkey competing for a mate in an all boy howler monkey's finishing school. For once, I'd love the first words out of someone's mouth to be something other than "Okay...I'm not a computer expert but...". What about saying "hey? How's it going?" or "Hot enough for ya?". Heck. I'd even take "Wanna see my growth?" (As you can guess, that constant announcing of ineptitude annoys the tar out of me.)

BUT what is in a CLOSE running for second place is the cheapness of the patrons of my store. I swear, if I sold anything for cheap enough, someone would buy it. Case in point was yesterday...conversation ensued as follows:

Me: Welcome to the (store name). How goes things today?

Customer: Well, I'm hunting for a printer. I need a multi-function printer that scans, faxes, copies, prints and whatever else. (I'm guessing the 'other' would be writing soliloquies...)

Me: Okay. Well, I've got nothing that faxes right now...We're getting stock soon though and I could look at ordering something in for you?

Customer: Well, I need it today. I don't need faxing that bad. What have you got for me that's cheap?

M: Well, I've got these (model number) printers that copy, print and scan and they're $89. That's a pretty sweet deal. We just got the new models in so we're letting these guys go for $30 less than retail. (insert discount comment like the sales prostar that I am! )

C: What? $89? That's not a deal. (Store name) has a (model number) printer for $69.

M: Yes, but that one is simply a printer. It doesn't scan and copy. For the extra $20, you get the features you want. Isn't that more up your alley?

C: No! Why would I by this one for more than the other one?

M: Well, this one does what you want. You could buy somethine that doesn't do what you want for cheaper, but that wouldn't do what you want.

C: Well, if you don't have a deal for me, I'm going to go to (store name) and buy their deal.

M: (contemplates for a second, then decides to experiment) Hang on a second. I do have something for you. It's a printer, scanner, and copier that was returned by a customer. It doesn't have any ink, nor does it come with a printer cable, nor do I even know if it works. I haven't had time to check it out.

C: How much is it?

M: $50. $50 takes it 'as is' and there's no refunds.

C: $50? Hmmm...sold. I'll take it.

***What in the world? I told the guy it doesn't have any ink, nor cable, nor confirmed usability...but he takes it because it was cheap. Once he buys the ink and cable, he'll end up spending MORE! I honestly didn't expect him to go for that! No kidding! Next time, I'll have to be more overboard. This is what I predict will occur next time:

Me: Well, I've got this printer that was in a forrest fire. I don't have the foggiest idea what a printer was doing in the middle of the forrest in the first place, and beyond that it's not in the best of shape. I mean, it's kinda melted and there's a dead woodchuck in it. It stinks like baked woodchuck and I'm pretty sure it doesn't work at all. BUT, it's $5.

Customer: REALLY? Do you have TWO? Does it come with warranty? Can I get it in blue to match my computer?

Until Next Time,

The Armchair Woodchuck

Saturday, August 06, 2005

Another Golden Gong Award Goes Too...

...Unnecessary Capitalization Man! NO! Just kidding. There was a golden gong awarded today though. It went to the guy who came in and argued with me for 7 minutes on how "if you pay cash for something, you don't have to pay the tax." I mean, I could NOT believe that he even tried to suggest that. Wow. The craziest part was that he was serious and would not give up on it. He somehow was upset with me that I charged him tax on what he bought. He was like 70 years old and wasn't native either. Where in the world would someone get an idea like that? That's almost a double gong. Not quite, but close. Good job man! I'm so proud! Until Next Time,

The Armchair Taxman