Tales of Idiocy and Woe...But Now I'm CRAZY in California!

Tuesday, January 31, 2006


When you pick up the phone, you know it's going to be a 'good one' (aka. horrible) when the person says:

"Hello. Is it possible for me to speak with someone competent this time?"

Yeah. Talk about setting a tone for a conversation. Dag nab it. Until Next Time,

The Armchair Tele-technician

Saturday, January 28, 2006

Here's a TREAT for all you hard core fans!

I've been playing a little over the last few weeks...Now this will prove whether or not my skillz with video editting and html are L337 or n00b...

Thursday, January 26, 2006

Why I am so filled with frustration...

Here's another taste of my average day:

Me: Thanks for calling (store name...rhymes with "Asian Poodle Sprinkler"...well not really), this is The Armchair Geek talking. How can I help you?

Dinglebert McGee: Hey, I bought my computer there a while ago and had some questions.

Me: Okay. What's on your mind?

Dinglebert McGee: Well, I've been shopping around and I've found that I can get a way better deal somewhere else, so I'd like to return it.

Me: Oh? Well, let's see what you bought. (pulls up file on computer)

Dinglebert McGee: I want to game and this thing doesn't have as much stuff as one I've been looking at. I want to return it.

Me: (Stutter) Uhm...it looks like you bought it here around 5 and a half months ago. It's a little late to return it now...what's wrong with it?

Dinglebert McGee: Well, nothing is wrong. It's just that I kinda feel ripped off because I could buy a lot more for the same money.

Me: (sigh) Well, what are you looking at?

Dinglebert McGee: (reads off a list of specs...dual core A64, GeForce 7800GTX, 2 gig ram, etc.) And that thing is like $1580. That's like the same amount that I paid for mine and that's like way more stuff than mine for the same price.

Me: Well, does it come with a monitor?

Dinglebert McGee: no.

Me: Printer?

Dinglebert McGee: No.

Me: Does that price include tax?

Dinglebert McGee: No.

Me: What web site is that from again?

Dinglebert McGee: (gives url address...)

Me: Uh, okay. I've don't usually defend myself a whole lot, but I'm going to explain some things for you. First off, that price is from an American web site. That means that it's in American dollars. Plus there's taxes too...so that system is more around the $2,000 mark. Secondly, it has no printer, monitor, or even operating system on it. That machine is a bunch of assembled parts. That also will add to the price. Thirdly, you paid like $1179 for a system, monitor, printer, and whatnot and that price included taxes. That's like $400 less than the price you gave me. That machine you're looking at is well over double the cost of the one I sold you. I sold you a machine with a decent video card for like $700. So for WAY less than half the money, you got half the system...five months ago. That still seems like a good deal. So, if you want to spend like $2500, go ahead!

Dinglebert McGee: Hmmm...well, I guess. Well, how much is a new video card?

Me: Well, you can spend as much as you want. They range from $100 to $700. I'm not a parts dealer though, but I can tell you where you shop. You should go check out (names local stores).

Dinglebert McGee: Okay. thanks.

Well, that was a good call, but a typical problem. "I bought it 5 months ago and want to return it because there are cheaper things out there now". Bow Wow. Until Next Time,

The Armchair Geek

My real identity!

Monday, January 23, 2006

Defcon 2.3 is approaching...

Okay. Today, a customer is in who wants a computer (the usual). He wants more ram in his computer and wants it installed (the usual). I then put the ram in and charged him for it...and when I tried to give him the invoice for the install, he gawked at me:

"I thought that was included in the cost".

That's sadly also 'as per usual'. The problem is that I tell people up front that I have to charge them for something and they still bitch about it. What's even worse is another person watched the whole thing, and then did the SAME thing. I then almost laughed at him, but not because of his stupid comment. I had to laugh because I have a good friend who works in a Peterbilt dealership who has the same problems all the time. The other day we were comparing tech complaint stories and he told me that he had his 1,000,000th person come in and assume:

"Isn't the install included in the cost of that (miscellaneous semi-truck part)".

Here was his response. I'm going to start saying this from now on:

"Well, it would be if you come back in 2 weeks. We're currently awaiting government approval for our application to be recognized as a non-profit organization. Sadly, until we're officially recognized as a charity, we have to charge money for labor. If you want to come back in 2 weeks, it will be free though. Sorry...my hands are tied."

Apparently some people have left but nobody has come back 2 weeks later. Wonder why? Until Next Time,

The Armchair Mechanic

Saturday, January 21, 2006

I just talked to one of the Ancients!

Man. I just discovered something completely un-nerving that I'm going to do to someone one day. A guy came in and talked to me about a laptop. He wanted someting cheap to run Linux. He had a very greasy mullet. He wasn't terribly articulate. None of those things bothered me in the slightest; I get stuff like that all the time.

What was it about him that spooked me out then?

He had like 1.5-2 inch nails. On all 10 fingers. *shiver*. I am dead serious. Every finger had like nails that extended out like 1.5-2 inches. Like claws...or talons. I wanted to ask him but, for some reason, I was scared. I also couldn't look away; they were hypnotic. I mean, he wasn't feminine at all...and not attractive enough to be a cross dresser (unless he dragged like a monster ditch pig). I didn't know what to do. I'm still shivering at that. MAN! That was un-nerving! Crazy go nuts! I've gotta get back to work. Until Next Time,

The Armchair Vampire Hunter

The Question of the day!

Here it is. The coveted Golden Gong award for January 21st goes to the dude who asked this question:

"This one (computer) has 512 and that one has 1024. Is that more?"

I honestly stared at him for like 2 seconds, wondering if he was being serious or not. He was serious. For some reason, he thought RAM was something like 'latency' or something. Bigger numbers meant worse performance. Probably unsafe for that dude to shop alone...because I smell someone about to be taken advantage of...uh, at someone else's store of course. Not mine. I didn't sell him anything...I couldn't with a clear conscience. Doh...Nice guys finish last.

Until Next Time,
The Armchair Geek

Just so you all don't run headlong into a life of crime:

>>>Nice guys finish last, but they die on a matress. Nasty guys get shanked after their gang rape in the shower room on cell block D.<<<

Something to ponder

Friday, January 20, 2006

The Mark of the Bill; finally explained!

A VERY wise man posted this on his blog. I read it on the internet, therefore it MUST be true:

Every time you use your hotmail account to send a mass forward to more than 10 people, Bill Gates pays Satan $453. This is for real. It is the truth.

Thanks Andrew. That confirms what I've always suspected. If you send mass forwards, you are helping Bill Gates support the Anti-Christ. The 'mark of the beast' is actually your MSN Passport address. Jack Van Impe is hecka wrong again, but he's on dial up...what does he know? When those Microsoft-funded gas chambers are killing Christians, we'll know who to thank. You and your forwards, that's who! Until Next Time,

The Armchair AntiBill


This post was HORNSWAGGLED by that good for nothing Armchair Theologian! I was originally made for MY blog, but HE stoled it and put it on his blog! What a freaking N00B! ROFL! Has such crappy posts that he's gotta steal good ones from me! Sheesh! Anyway, here's the posts that was supposed to be on this blog:


Thank God for rock and roll. For sure. I wonder what was going on in his mind in eternity past when he dreamed up music, and rock and roll in particular. It's sometimes so therepeutic...ha!

Okay. I had one seriously funny conversation yesterday. Several days ago, a woman called and just about crawled through the phone at me because a piece of $2 (literally) software that she bought at some 'hole-in-the-wall' store didn't work. She was making all sorts of illogical leaps (of course, I ripped her off, among others) and she got real mad. I offered some ideas and I tried to help her out over the phone, but she basically hung up on me.

So yesterday, she came in with the software and asked me to 'fix it'. So, I broke out by C++ and completely re-wrote the code in like 3 minutes. Yup.

NO! Just kidding. I installed the software on like 6 computers and it didn't work on any of them. Some sort of error involving not having enough ram (on a machine with 1 gig of ram). After 6 tries and no success, she then started to get worked up at the guy at the software shop. I told her that the problem wasn't her computer, and seeing that 6 other brand new ones couldn't run it, the problem was most likley that the software had some stupid problem with it (like it was most likely for an Amiga). She then said she was going to go and get her money back and left in a huff, though she thanked me for my excellent help.

I couldn't help but chadizzle at her contrafibularities. I mean, she was like 45 years old or something. How can you live that long and still run all higgldy-piggldy everytime you get a cork in your clogs? I mean, don't people ever learn to simmer down and not slap the tuna before the final chicken's plucked? You'd think that if a person constantly egged the whitehouse everytime someone planted peas in the cabbage patch, they'd be roomies with Colonel Sanders. That just springs a cog in my Chevy. Until Next Time,

The Armchair Victim of Hornswaggling

Thursday, January 12, 2006

Defcon 76 is approaching...

I'm about to snap. I can feel it...the urge to crack. It's creaping around in my brain like a bad smell in a movie theater. If anyone reads this in time, pray for me; that God would grant me the self control to not tear someone apart today. I hope Ashton is done with me soon. I want to go home! ARGH! What a stupid day. Tell your friends NOT to come in today. I do understand why some turn to the bottle though. Until Next Time,

The Armchair Ex-Postal Worker

Sunday, January 08, 2006

10,000 punches in the face...

...well, maybe at least a slap up side the head. What is that, you ask? That's what Mr. Numb3rs needed yesterday. Here's our replay footage for you:

Mr. Numb3rs: Hey, do you guys have the IBM T31x-2?

Me: Well, I don't have a comprehensive knowledge of all the model numbers of most manufacturers but if you tell me what kind of processor, ram and hard drive it has, I'll be able to find one for you.

Mr. Numb3rs: Okay. Well, I'm looking for an IBM T31x-2. You don't have that?

Me: Well, like I said. I don't have IBM's entire model run comitted to memory. If you tell me what's in that computer, I can most likely find something equivalent for you.

Mr. Numb3rs: How about a T6003-RS?

Me: (*sigh*). I'm not really sure what that is. If you give me a moment I'll try to hop on the internet and find out what processor, ram and hard drive are in that machine and I'll find something similar for you.

Mr. Numb3rs: So you don't have that one either? What about an X-2207L?

Me: I didn't say that I do or don't have that item, or something like it. I simply don't have all that information comitted to memory. If you give me a second, I'll try to find it for you. I just need to figure out the processor, ram and hard drive and then I'll check my stock.

Mr. Numb3rs: Well, do you have the IBM R-7650IC-X

Me: I don't think we're understanding one another. Every time you give me some random model number, I most likely won't know what it is. I do not have the IBM catalogue comitted to memory, but I'd gladly check online to see what kind of system it is you're looking for and recommdend something similar for you.

This post is a "choose-your-own-adventure" post. There are three alternate endings. Scroll down to the ending you desire:

1. The "Micheal Douglas in Falling Down" ending

2. The "Steve Guttenberg in Police Accademy" ending

3. The "boring reality" ending


1. The "Micheal Douglas in Falling Down" ending:

Mr Numb3rs: Well, what about an IBM 409g-THC?

Me: Listen. It's clear to me that you're either an idiot or high on some form of halucinagen. So get out a pad and pen and write this down. "NO! I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE CRAP YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT!" Now hang up the phone and dial 911 and report an assault because I've finished tracing your call and I'm on my way...Brian. (hangs up, grabs a bat and runs out the door)


2. The "Steve Guttenberg in Police Accademy" ending

Mr. Numb3rs: Well, what about an IBM 409g-THC?

Me: The 409g-THC? Well, what do you know! We've got three of those right now, sitting in front of me. They're left overs from boxing day and if you get down here in the next 30 minutes, I'll give all three of them to you for $50! What a STEAL! Good thing you called! You'd better get down here! (Mr. Numb3rs burns down here only to find that I "sold" them to someone else who beat him down here and he made the trip for nothing...tough luck!)


3. The "boring reality" ending

Mr. Numb3rs: Oh, okay. (hangs up while I'm in mid sentence.)

Me: Helwo? Wu Dare? Anywone? Helwo? How Wude!

Yeah. Silly and annoying and hard to fathom. Either way, I've gotta cash out and leave. Until Next Time,

The Armchair Geek

Friday, January 06, 2006

Batteries Draining...Life Ebbing Away...

...Brain melting...Sentience failing...IQ reducing to zero...Cannot think...Beeeeeeoooooooop.

Okay. Some people simply suck the life out of you. No kidding. On the phone for 5 minutes with a Charlie Brown's teacher, trying to help him erase a CD-RW that was already blank. It took me 5 minutes to get the information out of him to find out that it was a new CD-RW and that the disc was blank. I don't know why he was trying to erase a blank disc. It seemed that he didn't understand what 'blank' means. Apparently, he figured that every CD in the universe has either music or software on them...I guess he didn't assume that a 'blank' CD would in fact be blank. That would be far too obvious. Life MUST be more complex than that. Either way, after a call like that I need a siesta. Until Next Time,

The Armchair Geek

Thursday, January 05, 2006

The Golden Gong...

Ring it loud, ring it proud. Imagine what my answer was to the following question:

Customer: Hey, do you have any of those LCD monitors left that were on sale on boxing day for half price?

I mean, it's only been 10 days since boxing day. Does any store have it's boxing day sale still running on January 5th? Come on buddy. Do you honestly think the stuff that was on sale for half price is still around? No. Amazingly, we sold it all in like 3 hours...on boxing day...which was 10 days ago...which is not today. Sheesh! Until Next Time,

The Armchair Geek