Captain Insano strikes again...

Man. I have a crazy freaking room mate. Some days, I think of starting a blog simply dedicated to his insane rantings. Today he said the following:

"I don't use ethnic slurs" (you have to see him at home to understand how horribly hilarious this one is)

"Dammit! I need to get my hands on a nuclear weapon!" (just out of the blue he blurts that one out!)

"If I got on the radio and started bashing moslems, do you think that the CRTC would be so pissed that they'd issue a fatwa against me? I mean, that would like be the first in Canadian history! That would be awesome!" (innocent enough question...uh...?!)

I always feel normal when I'm at home. It helps to surround yourself with people crazier than you. Until Next Time,

The Armchair Fatwa

Another Golden Gong?

Now, for those of you familiar with this blog, you understand how awesome I am. I am mind numbingly excellent in my glorious ability to deal with people of all shapes and sizes, with both little and no intellect, and take abuse like nobodies business. I rarely lose either my tongue or my cool (though I AM a human being), and I have learned to laugh both with and at customers...hence I'm still a few inches south of being clinically insane. But every now and then, there's a person who is so 'head and shoulders' above the rest, so cranially malfunctioning and so obnoxiously rude that he doesn't even merit the covetted Golden Gong award. Blasting far past the standards of the Golden Gong like a duiretic elephant at a Texas 5-alarm chili tasting festival, some people merit the Platinum Gong...the GONG of Gongs.

Now I'm not saying that the person to whom I refer now IS a Platinum Gong recipient, but his name has been submitted to the Accademy for nomination this year. He's definitely a nominee for "best male performance in a show about warranty frustrations".

Now my dedicated readers will have pieced together the following details from my various pulitzer winning posts:

1. My store sells new and refurbished products.
2. Some people are afraid of refurbished products.
3. Some people think that God owes them a medal for simply existing.
4. Some people have their heads shover so far up their butts that they have to open their mouths to see.

So, NOW I get to my condensed version of the conversation:

Customer: Hello, is Chuck Norris (Store Manager) there?

Me: No, Chuck Norris is not here. He's taking names and, well, you know...

Customer: Okay. Well, I would like to complain. (You know it's going to be good when they announce their intentions in complaining).

Me: Okay. You tell me what happened and I'll see what I can do for you.

Customer: Well, you f***ing guys sold me a f***ing piece of s**t camera and it worked for five f***ing months and now it doesn't work anymore. I brought it in and you f***ing guys sent it away to the manufactuer to f***ing get fixed and it's been three f***ing weeks and it's still not done!

Me: Okay. So let me make sure I understand you. Your camera stopped working and we sent it away for you and it has been three weeks and it still isn't back, correct?

Customer: That's what I f***ing just said! F**K ME! I mean, when I go to a store and give them my f***ing money, I expect customer service! I mean, when some f***ing customer has a problem with me, I f***ing take care if it! Your customer service is a complete load of f***ing b***s**t! (Starts getting VERY excited about how he gives the best customer service in the cosmos and keeps swearing like a Russian Sailor, but he eventually has to take a break to breathe.)

Me: Well, I'm sure your camera will get fixed. They always do. Sadly it won't matter because if you don't stop getting worked up unneccesarily, you'll be dead from a heart attack by the time your camera is returned. Possibly someone has informed you that cussing and getting exceedingly angry makes people want to help you out more. I'm afraid that such is not the case here. I can definitely try to help you sir, but I don't want your death on my conscience.

Customer: What the f**k are you talking about? You're damn right I'll be f***ing dead by the time I get my camera back! You give me totally b***s**t service and now try to make excuses for yourself? Well let me tell you a f***ing thing or two! I bought a laptop from you and it's broken too and I'm scared to bring it in to get fixed because you'll have it for a year too!

Me: Well, now you're just being silly. We've never had anything take a year to get fixed. Besides, I'm unsure why you are calling me regarding this camera anyway. It's not even getting fixed here. It was a new camera so it was sent back to the manufacturer for warranty repair. We fix the refurbished stuff here, but the new stuff always get's manufacturers warranty. That's the joy of buying new; dealing with the manufacturer's warranty.

Customer: Now you're f***ing lying to me! I dropped it off there to get fixed. First you give me s***ty service and now you f***ing lie to my f***ing face!

Me: Well, actually I am telling you the truth. I remember when you brought it in, asking us to fix it. We explained to you that the warranty was done by the manufacturer and, being the nice guys we are, we offered to even send it into the manufacturer for you.

Customer: Whatever! You can f***ing make up stories all day long. Bottom line is that I want a new camera! I'm going to come down there and get a new f***ing camera, cause the one you sold me was a piece of s**t!

Me: Well, I wish things were that simple. The manufacturer has to make that call. I don't know if it is faulty or if you actually broke it. The manufacturer will check the camera out and examine it, then give their verdict. If it's a faulty camera, I'm sure they'll replace it for you. If you broke it, you may have to pay for repairs. I don't know anything about that though, seeing as I'm simply the merchant. I could give you the manufacturers number though...

Customer: What a f***ing shock! You don't know anything! I coulda f***ing told you that! This is a f***ing waste of my time! I'm going to call Chuck Norris on Monday and tell him what's what. Have a nice f***ing day!

Me: Thanks! You have a good day too!

*******************************

Now that conversation was shortened do to the fact that it was absolutely boring (and containing WAY more expletives). He went on and on for probably 3-4 actual minutes about how customer service works and whatnot, and he's not even in retail. I also told him a few stories about how I've personally been screwed on warranties and whatnot, and that only fueled his rage; what with my attempts to empathize with him and all. I was actually amazed that he could sustain his tremendous huff as long as he did too...that shows some real effort on his part. Anyway, that was one of the strangest, most annoying, and yet most entertaining phone calls I've had all year. Let's have a round of applause for our nominee! Until Next Time,

The Armchair Warranty Repairman

(Is "repairman" one word or two?)

Some people should not be allowed to shop alone: Part II

Okay. Before I start, I must clarify some things:

1. I am a patient man with people who don't know anything about computers; I expect pretty much everyone to be a rookie.

2. I am a gracious man with rude and arrogant people; if you're horribly rude to me or talk to my like I'm a five year old, I will do my best to treat you in a proper and respectful fashion.

3. I like women. I have nothing against women. I'm very fond of them on the whole and thank the Lord for his clever usage of estrogen every day.

***But***

When a gaggle of rookie, rude, arrogant women come into my store, I'm very willing to let them go on their merry way.

Three women came in today and were looking for 'something', though I'm guessing they didn't really have a clue. I tried to help them, but the spokesmodel for the group wouldn't stop changing the subject whenever I tried to ask them what they were looking for. They just did like 4 laps of the store, looked at prices, and then told me that there was something for $300 at Zellers and threatened to go and buy it because my store had so much expensive stuff.

Some days, a salesperson will take such comments as a challenge and spend the next hour trying to 'edumacate' them on the reality of the situation, telling them:

- That's not the real price. ($399 and 300 are two different things and people always quote the prices without mentioning the extra 99 bones...)
- That price is after the rebates, and counting the tax you spend on the before rebate price, mine is still $28 less.
- That computer has half the components of mine, which is $28 more. Mine is a better deal.
- You'll never get a lick of service/help from that store where as I, as exampled by my current efforts, am ready and willing to do what I can to help you out with problems.
- That store pays $40 of every purchase to support the clubbing of baby seals in Northern Ontario and in buying such a product, you are directly responsible for the killing of baby seals.

OKAY! OKAY! That last one is an exaggeration. Either way, I didn't say any of those things. I let them go to Zellers. Sue me. Until Next Time,

The Armchair Geek

P.S. - Come on in to my store today for a great deal or I'll club this baby seal!

The Best Comment EVER!

Some days, people say things that test the very limits of my immense self control. Put on your thinking caps. Imagine the customer having a very thick Irish (or something along those lines) accent:

Me: Thank you for calling Barney's house of landmines. We'll blast your bum to kingdom come! What can I do for you?

Customer: Well, I'm looking for a new computer. What's the cheapest one you've got?

Me: Well, we have some stuff starting at $399.

Customer: "Holy Christopher! Do you think I'm made of money?"

**********************

I JUST about lost it at that. Hilarious. Until Next Time,

The Armchair Holy Christopher

Wow. New Experience...

I have just recently (as in today) discovered the possibly most annoying thing in the world. Something that will drive a reverend to the bottle; something that will make a man tear his hair out. What is it that has so driven me to the edge? Well, let me explain.

I had a phone call today from a woman who was looking for a computer. That is a typical phone call, and I'm also used to people not having a clue as to what they're looking for. She apparently saw something in the paper and called about it. Here's my 'dramatic re-inactment' of what happened:

Me: Thanks for calling Chuck Norris' house of pancakes; Let our flapjacks give your tastebuds a TKO!

Customer: Hello. I'm calling about a computer.

Me: Okay. Did you see an add that caught your eye or were you searching in general?

Customer: Well, I saw a computer in your flyer and...

Me: (pauses, waiting for the sentence to be finished...which doesn't happen) And? which one was it?

Customer: I saw the one for $799 with the...

Me: (waiting for sentence to be finished again...) ...yes?

Customer: What?

Me: You were saying?

Customer: Well, tell me about...

Me: (waiting)...about the $799 computer from our flyer?

Customer: Yes. I'm interested in getting that one with...

Me: (waiting) ...with the?

***************************

And it went ON and ON and ON and ON. I've often done that to other people whom I was trying to annoy, but I've never had someone do it to me...speaking in unfinished sentences. I kept waiting for the person to finish their sentences and half the conversation was silence awaiting grammatical resolution. Man. Too bad Tylenol doesn't make a 'computer sales strength' version of their pain killers...I'm thinking something around 5,000 mg of codine, acetaminophen, rohypnol, diazepam and lidocaine with an easy swallow coating, best to be washed down with 24 ounces of Old Crow. I feel an e-mail coming on to Johnson & Johnson, and possibly millions of dollars in royalties incoming as well. Until Next Time,

The Armchair Coma Patient

So Apparently I'm not counsellor Troy...

It's confirmed. I'm neither telepathic nor as good at reading people as I suspect. Here's the snippet of the conversation:

C: So, how good is this computer at downloading porn?

Me: (thinks he's joking) Well, porn is pretty heavy on the system requirements. For Hard Core porn, you need a Hard Core computer.

C: Oh...I didn't know. So what computer do you recommend?

Me: (realizes that he's NOT joking)...uh, well...This one here is a faster machine with...(and on goes the conversation)

***********

So I'm apparently worse at reading people than I thought. Doh. I cannot believe that he asked me that question too. Wowzer. Until Next Time,

The Armchair Hugh Hefner

You learn something new every day...

Well, it IS true. I learned something new today. I learned what a "consumer proposal" is today:

Consumer Proposals are intended to help reduce the number of bankruptcy filings by allowing the consumers who owe less than $75,000 (excluding mortgages on their principal residences), to negotiate with their creditors for the reduction of their debt and/or for an extension of the time for payments of their debts.

aka. it's the last ditch effort to save your hide before you declare bankruptcy. This is a hint that you're not so good at managing your money.

I also have a new question, after applying for credit for a person and getting the response "The customer cannot aquire credit due to an impending consumer proposal" (and wondering "what the crap does that mean", which lead to my research, aquisition of data and final step in the learning process; the discovery of the answer to the question! Learning is FUN!). The question is:

WHY THE HECK ARE YOU SHOPPING FOR A COMPUTER (and applying for MORE credit) IF YOU ARE 1 STEP AWAY FROM BANKRUPTCY?

This is proof that you're not so good at managing your money. The mind of man is an eternal struggle between various battling insanities. Until Next Time,

The Armchair Consumer Proposal

SO the other day...

...I was flipping channels on one of the media center PCs at work and I could not believe my eyes: the movie Falling Down was on TV. For those of you that have never seen it, it's essentially a movie about a guy who goes nucking futz one day and loses it on various merchants and individuals who he feels are dishonest/rude/idiotic. It's essentially where all the dinglenuts get what's coming to them, FINALLY. The whole scene with him in the Korean "Quickie Mart" is priceless...also the line he delivers on the golf course to the guy having the heart attack is awesome. That movie is such an inspiration. If I ever meet Michael Douglas, I'm going to yell at him for not making a sequel (although the main character gets killed at the end of the movie...I guess it would have been tough). There should have been like 17 movies in a Falling Down franchise.

They could make a second movie with another character in it though...someone with just as much angst and temporarily restrained insanity. Someone who is equally frustrated with the unwashed masses. Someone who dreams of going crazy on the proletariat without getting let go do to 'corporate restructuring'. Hmm. Well, I'm going to start a writing campaign to Warner Brothers...which will most likely make them jump to drop $40 million on a sequel. Okay...never mind. At least I know what I'm going as for halloween...(imagine me dresed up as Michael Douglas from Falling Down, showing up at a party)

Random person: "So what did you dress up as?"

Me: "I didn't. This is the first day that I took my costume off in a long time. It feels good!" (holding briefcase and shotgun and speaking matter-of-factly in a half whisper)


HA! Okay. Many things to do today! Until Next Time,

The Armchair Michael Douglas

So a Priest and a Donkey walk into a bar...

Okay. Some days people just astound me. Behold the mighty dramatic re-enactment of this event:

Customer walks in: Hey. I bought this here and I was wanting to return it.

Me: (looks at item). Hmmm...that's a Canon scanner.

Customer: (interupts)...that doesn't work with a damn. It'a s piece of sh*t and I want my money back.

Me: And I'm guessing that you should get your money back if it doesn't work. So how can I help you with that?

Customer: (looks perplexed, talking in sarcastic voice) Well, how about giving me my money back?

Me: That's a great idea with only one problem. We've don't now and never have sold Canon scanners. We don't sell scanners at all and I'm guessing that you didn't buy that scanner here.

Customer: What are you talking about? Of course I bought it here. I think I'd know the store where I bought this!

Me: Where did you buy it?

Customer: (getting agitated) Asian Spoodle Dinkler! (names have been changed to protect the stores involved)

Me: Well, I'm guessing you should go there. This is Asian Poodle Sprinkler... You're at the wrong store. (The store in question is across the city, is a different color, is 4 times as big and on and on...I cannot understand how he got THAT confused).

Customer: What? What are you talking about?

Me: You're at the wrong store sir.

Customer: (turns red) Oh. Well, have a nice day then. (turns and leaves)

Me: Have a great day!

*********************
I must admit, after he left, I laughed at him, not with him. I'm such a bad person. Until next time,

The Armchair Asian Spoodle Dinkler