Tales of Idiocy and Woe...But Now I'm CRAZY in California!

Monday, June 26, 2006

Not quite a TSR-80, but...

Guy calls me today. Here's what he says:

"Hello, I am looking for a parallel printer to run on DOS 6. Do you have one?"

Here's what I said:

"No. You're somewhere around 15 years too late to be shopping for that..."

And then the conversation continued on, with me asking what he needed it for and then explaining that, in order to try to find a 15 year old printer to run off DOS 6 (I shudder to think what kind of computer he was running), he's going to have to look on E-bay/Huttterite farms/Flea Market Sales in Yorkton/in the ditch near Herbert.

Some people run such old hardware that they cannot play the newest games and have to instead play old crappy games like Star Trek Elite Force (like me! HA!) and get emulators so that they can play Mike Tyson's Punch Out (Like Blackjack! HA HA!).

Some people run such old hardware that they cannot import any of their saved Lotus 1-2-3 spreadsheets when the time comes to upgrade (like a hairdresser I sold a system to a while ago).

Some people run such old hardware that they cannot even get onto the internet (Like several farmers I've sold stuff to).

BUT, some people run such old hardware that they have to order vacuum tubes from Russian and Chinese companies. I can understand the 'cool' side of 'retro computing' and dinking around with old Commadore 64's and whatnot. I just cannot fathom someone using an 80386 system since 1987 and having it still running in 2006 (and still using Microsoft Word 2.0 and Harvard Graphics!!). They don't make 'em like they used to!

Until Next Time,

The Armchair "All blogs written on an ENIAC! You're all PWNED!!" Geek

Sunday, June 25, 2006

PermaFries and Gravy...

FUNNY FUNNY customer today. It's a double day for funny customers!

This tall guy comes in looking for a computer. He's got on a shirt that says "Mr. High" and has a picture of a cloud holding a joint. He's got the giggles and cannot concentrate enough to actually deliver a coherent sentence. He just kinda jogs on the spot and his eyes dart around like a racoon on espresso.

I show him a few things and when he realizes that he's going to spend at least $500, he says:

"Oh man dude! That's gonna be tough! I have a hard time saving money and sh*t! I always seem to spend everything I got! Huh. Oh Sh*t! I've gotta go!"

Then he just turns around and bolts out the door like he's on fire. I watch in amazement as he runs down the street. That guy needs to be in a movie, though I cannot understand why he would have trouble saving money. I mean, what would a young, upstanding, individual spend all his money on that would result in reduced attention span, inability to think coherently, and inhibited ablilty to speak coherently? I cannot figure it out for the life of me. Until Next Time,

The Armchair Cheech

***For more information on the harmful and detrimental effects of Marijuana, please visist 3 of the following links:





Credit Schmedit!

Okay. I had a horrible phone call today. Here's the deal.

A guy calls, wanting to finance a computer. That's no big deal as it happens like 4 times a day. But, as in all calls, I explain the financing terms and ask him the two questions:

1. Do you have a job?

He says yes.

2. Do you have established credit?

Again, he says yes.

Normally, that would mean that he would have a good chance of getting something financed. BUT, as our conversation continues, I learn the following:

1. The "job" he has is sitting at home collecting social assistance. I was unaware that collecting wellfare was a vocational option. So, he doesn't have a job.

2. The "established credit" he has is "established bad credit". He has several credit cards that are maxxed out and he has a line of credit with some institution that is also maxxed out, plus he has several other "various" outstanding debts.

He apparently was rejected for a computer finance by Rentown (and their criteria for financing approval is "conscious") so he's calling around town to every computer store to try to get a computer. Apparently he "really needs one super bad". I try to explain to him that the financing done at The Blue Oyster (name of the store I work at...or is it?) is not done in house, but is instead done through a major financial corporation. I try to explain to him that if he's got too much outstanding debt and maxxed out credit, he will have problems getting more credit and debt. He calls me a "stupid f*cker" and hangs up.

Apparently he doesn't need a computer. He needs to get out of his mother's basement and learn some social graces...and how credit and financing works. Anyway, that was a weird call. Until Next Time,

The Armchair Blue Oyster

Saturday, June 24, 2006

Don't call me Bruce...

Okay. I've not posted something for a while, but here's a few CRAZY things that happened in the last 2 days:

1. A guy drops off his computer for service and we tell him, like we tell everyone, it'll be 1 or 2 days until we get around to it (since we have 15+ machines in waiting) and we'll give you a phone call when we know what's wrong so you can decided if you want it fixed or not. So he comes back in the next day with his wife and asks why we haven't called him. I try to explain that we haven't got around to it yet and he asks for his computer back. I again try to explain what's going on and his wife demands that I give them their computer back. So, realizing that 'reason' will go nowhere, I give her the computer and as I open my mouth to ask her if she would like us to call her when their computer's turn comes up, she looks me in the eye and says "You know, you're known around town for having bad customer service". I'm taken back at the sheer rudeness and insinuating tone of her voice. So, I ask her to name a single person who's said that we have 'bad customer service'. She then says "well, everyone says that but I don't think that." Apparently this adult woman is in grade two. She then turns around as I'm speaking and walks out. You know what went on in my head?

***(inner monologue) "What the heck!? If you KNEW that I was known for bad customer service, then why did you bring your computer here?! Beyond that, why are you surprised at my 'bad service'? Shouldn't you have expected it ?"***

Sheesh. Beyond that, I'm wondering if she consistently seeks out providers of bad service? I wonder if she asks around to find out which doctor in the city is the most incompetent and then scrambles over there to get her appendix removed? HA!

Lady: "Doctor Sheep-dip? I hear you're a total quack? Is this true?"

Doctor: "Uh...I...uh...well...who says that?"

Lady: "AHA! That's not a 'no'! I'll be in to see you in 15 minutes!"

2. This kid gave me a crank call. With a friend giggling loudly in the background, the kid asked me what the most expensive computer was and I told him. Then, he asks me to get 4 of them ready for him to come a pick them up in 20 minutes. I tell him that he's in luck because we're having a 2-for-1 sale today. NOBODY showed. I was REALLY looking forward to see my manager's face when somebody showed up asking for the 2-for-1 deal computers and I said "I thought it was a crank call, but I am a man of my word!" At the end of the day, the store sells 8 machines for a gross profit of $56. That would be the day.

3. A guy calls, asking about a laptop. He sees that we have a certain brand of laptop and asks what our price is. I tell him that it's $650 and he asks me why we're so expensive. He tells me that he can get those laptops on E-Bay for like $300-400. I agree with him and explain that used stuff on E-Bay is most likely always cheaper that buying new goods at a store. He asks me why he would ever come in and buy something from a store when he can get the same thing on E-Bay for half the price? I tell him, again, the advantages of a local vendor selling new products over buying urine soaked products from Islamic Terrorists on E-bay, but my efforts at reason are wasted. He laughs at me and says he's "no sucker", then wishes me a "good day". I wish him well and give him words of encouragement in his efforts to aquire a Darwin award. He sounds confused and hangs up.

Until Next Time,

The Armchair Sucker

***and NO! I didn't mention anything about getting a "Darwin Award". I just threw that in there for giggles. Calm down...you know who you are.***

Thursday, June 15, 2006

Me Tarzan, You Techie Man Dude!

Yes. you read it right. Tarzan the ape-man, in both male and female incarnations, has called my store today. I'm guessing that Tarzan (or Tarzana, I guess) was having some form of problems with his (her) computer. I spent 15 minutes on the phone with Tarzan, each time he called. I listened to broken english and stories about sisters, cousins, Sasktel representatives, programs, e-mails, and on and on. I'm not sure that Tarzan actually asked me a question the first time he called, but the second call from Tarzan ended up with a confusing question regarding an e-mail program, which wasn't working but was somehow working enough to send an e-mail to Tarzan's sister. Here's one sample of the conversation that my subconscious hasn't yet surpressed (along with those memories of my time in that Chinese prison when I was in...uh, hmmm, crap! Memory is all fuzzy! I forget!):

Me: Thanks for calling The Nuclear Physics Department at the University of Albuquerque. How can I help you?

Tarzan: Me Tarzan. You computer man dude.

Me: Hello Tarzan. You are correct. I am a computer man. What can I do for you today?

Tarzan: Tarzan buy computer. Tarzan lives in house. House has computer. Computer is black.

Me: Well, that's fantastic. Did you buy that computer here?

Tarzan: Tarzan like eat meatty bun food. Tarzan hungry. Tarzan HUNGRY!

Me: Well, we are next door to the largest buffet in the world and it's 'two cent tuesday'. Is there any computer related questions I can answer?

Tarzan: Internet! INTERNET! Internet go e-mail webpage no blog limewire cheese sauce! CHEESE SAUCE!

Me: I'm sorry sir. I'm not sure what you're asking me. Are you trying to download a recipe for cheese sauce for your blog, from your e-mail?

Tarzan: Many Childs use swears in Buffalo!

Me: Yes. The proliferation of percussive profanity present in pubescent people is perturbing!

Tarzan: Tarzan think phone man use funny words! BUT, Tarzan no find bacon. Tarzan need bacon for walrus face! Computer have no bacon!

Me: Well, your computer shouldn't have any fried or otherwise cooked pork products in it; that would be quite bad for the computer.

Tarzan: Tarzan have computer sickness! Computer make Tarzan sick! Computer bad sneezy bad sicky!

Me: Ah! Now we're getting somewhere. You'r computer has a virus?

Tarzan: No....NO! Computer have virus on it!

Me: Yes. I just said that. So, if you need to wipe and restore it, you need to bring in your computer and restore discs and we can get rid of the virus by erasing your hard drive and re-installing your operating system.

Tarzan: That would be acceptable.

Me: Good. Have a good day!

Tarzan: MEXICO CITY! (hangs up)

Okay okay...I kinda used to artistic license to make that whole conversation more funny, BUT it was actually that stupid; that just wasn't the actual transcript. Tarzan did make random, nonsense statements though. I'd say something and he/she would just blurt out something completely unrelated. It was enough to drive Ghandi to violence. Anyway, I don't want to talk about it anymore. It's disturbing enough just thinking about it. ARGH! Okay. Calming down. Until Next Time,

The Armchair Mahatma Ghandi


Just for the books, this post is my 108th post! That's like 756 posts in doggie posts! Keeping the good stuff coming to entertain you since 2005! We're almost at a year too! I suspect a HUGE anniversary post will be coming up sometime! Right On! Until Next Time,

The Armchair Geek!

Here's a Little Something...

...To help you get to know me a little better. A friend has this, so I stole it and now I'm going to fill it out. It's called "I Am" or something. May you all follow the light of truth into the radiant warmth of love that is me:

I AM: Karma's whipping boy.
I WANT: The psychic ability to make stupid people shut up and leave.
I WISH: My door had some sort of 'idiot detector'. If it beeped, I'd know not to talk to you.
I HATE: "The Customer is always right".
I MISS: When I don't take the proper time to aim.
I FEAR: That one day I will snap.
I WONDER: Why people think swearing at me will fix a problem or make me want to help them.
I REGRET: Telling customers that it's not my fault that they're idiots.
I AM NOT: Allowed to say that to customers. I've been told more than once.
I DANCE: with joy at 8:01pm weeknights, 5:01pm weekends.
I Sing: Twisted Sister: We're Not Going to Take It! And I sing it LOUD.
I CRY: In an effort to manipulate irrational customers who are throwing tantrums.
I AM NOT ALWAYS: Successful with that.
I MAKE WITH MY HANDS: Several foul words in sign language. I'm moving on to simple phrases next, like "read the freaking manual".
I WRITE: Plans of revenge that will never be enacted due to my inability to acquire weapons grade plutonium...Oh, and I kinda do this blog thingie from time to time.
I CONFUSE: n00bs with plain old morons. My bad.
I NEED: More ammunition.
I SHOULD: Wear a shirt that says "I know you're not a computer expert" and point to it regularly.
I START: With a customer that is stupid or annoying.
I FINISH: With a blog post.
I TAG: And you freeze. Those are the RULES! STOP CHEATING! YOU'LL RUE THE DAY...!!!

So, now that's done and you all have a picture into the tar pit that is my mind. I'm glad we're freinds. I have eskimo kisses for you all. Until Next Time,

The Armchair Psychiatric Intern's Worst Nightmare.

Monday, June 12, 2006

And so it begins...

And the scores are in: 6.2 for technical merit and 9.8 for artistic expression!

OH yes! I made another boo-boo yesterday. Not TOO big of a one, but a boo-boo none the less. A customer came in with his 'tech friend', who was probably the most rude individual I've talked to in the last month or so. You know...one of those guys who has a vocabulary with no syntax; just stringing words together in a nonsensical way, trying to sound smart. It was entertaining for a little, but then got REAL annoying.

Normally, when I'm trying to help someone pick a machine, I tend to try to get them something that they need, and something that will not be overkill for them. People often are told to buy way too much or way too little. So, being that actually honest guy that I am, I often explain things and try to help them arrive at a realistic position on what kind of hardware they should be looking for.

The guy I was talking to yesterday wanted a simple machine for e-mails and internet, with the possibility of downloading some songs and whatnot (he had kids). I was aiming him at a $550 machine and his friend basically started constantly contradicting me and actually saying that I was wrong (to my face). I'm not a terribly proud man and understand that I am often wrong on things, but I don't like being 'corrected' by a person who doesn't have the faintest clue what they are talking about. The tech friend was saying things like : (warning: there is some technical language coming)

- "A dual core machine is twice as fast as a single core machine on everything because 2 processors are twice as fast as one processor" (not true in all cases...single core machines are often way faster for gaming, among other operations)

- "Processors all have 8mb L2 cache these days and some have 16mb or 32mb." (He's confusing hard drive cache with processor cache)

- "You need at least a gig of ram for the internet to really run smooth". (sheesh)

***and on and on and on. I finally gave him my card and introduced myself as the guy who worked at the computer store. I then asked his 'tech friend' where he worked, and he told me (NOT a computer related field at all). I replied "oh really?" I don't think he got the hint, but I gotta admit that such a comment was definitely uncalled for. Doh. Apparently, I AM human afterall (and stupid at times...okay. Most of the time). I hope everyone has a laugh at my expense. Enjoy the moment! Until Next Time,

The Armchair Geek

Monday, June 05, 2006

Oh what a tangled web we weave...

...when we first inhale THC. Or in some cases Crack/cocaine. Today we had a 2-part crack-attack. I wasn't really involved in the first part of the crack-attack, but I was in the vicinity as my manager was on the phone for around 25 minutes with a very unhappy lady (I don't get all the crazy drano-guzzling customers). I heard him trying to explain to her how the cheapest computer we had most likely wouldn't be very good for serious video editting, and how it is normal for a store to not refund something for full refund after 6 months. That gave me a hint what was happening.

After he got off the phone, he clarified my suspicions: The woman on the phone, 6 months ago, came in and bought the cheapest thing she could find, expecting it to be able to handle some serious video editting (including a fairly hefty program from Pinnacle Micro). Apparently the cheapest thing we had wouldn't cut it, so she expected a full refund 6 months after the purchase and apparently was one of those "when in doubt, throw a tantrum" customers...

...Which is a point that needs some clarification...

I must admit. One of the biggest disappointments I had when I 'transitioned' from youth to adulthood was discovering that adults are way stupider than I had been previously lead to believe. When you're 15 and expected to show everyone respect and call them "sir" or "ma'am", for some reason you think that adults know what they're doing...because they're adults. Now I know that a scary percentage of the populace is simply stupid with a good resume. I've met plenty of 'adults' who deserve the term; they know how to communicate and troubleshoot and be responsible and whatnot. They don't act like children. Sadly, there are plenty of adults who do act like children, with several annoying remnants of their childhood surviving well into their 'adult' lives.

One of the annoying remnants of childhood in many 'adult' lives is the temper tantrum. Some adults, when they were like 3 years old or something, figured out that if they kick and scream and be generally headache-inducing, people will get extraordinarily frustrated and eventually give them what they want. I remember the first time I witnessed an obvious 'adult' temper tantrum. I was 19 and working for the BC Provincial government and one of the guys at my office didn't get what he wanted, so he stormed around the office slamming things and kicking filing cabinets and going on and on about how "it's not fair". I was so stunned at his infantile behaviour, I started laughing at him (not knowing what else to do). For some reason, I found myself cleaning out old filing cabinets for several days after that (though I found several super cool government documents on Canada's nuclear weapons and lots of government nuclear emergency manuals...which got 'lost' somehow).

Okay. Enough of that.

Customer was throwing a tantrum because she made an unwise and uneducated purchase and was trying to save face. My fantastic manager offered to purchase back her old dead woodchuck and give her a stunning deal on something more capable of video editing. I don't remember if she took the offer. Either way, that's only the first part.

The second part was in the evening, while I was doing cash out. The phone rang and it was a lady who was quite cross. She informed me that her computer didn't work, her daughter had a project for school, she was supremely unhappy at our store and the service she had received, and she was going to now let my talk to her daughter and I was not going to get off the phone until I had solved her problems and walked her through whatever program it was that she was having problems with (she was very commanding...I love that! Reminds me of my mom!). For the sheer wonder at what was coming, I remained silent and proceeded to let her daughter get on the line.

After running on and on for 10-15 seconds about her software, I proceeded to ask her simple questions. It appeared that she had an analog video camera with a USB cable, and she had bought some video editing software (something from Pinnacle) and couldn't figure out how to work it. She asked me if I had the program in front of me and I sadly informed her that I didn't even have the software available, but I would try to help her over the phone. After trying to describe things and trying to guess through the program (for around 5-7 minutes), I asked her if she had a paper or digital manual for the software she bought. She said she "didn't know" and I told her that I most likely wouldn't be any help as I neither had nor knew the software that she was trying to use. I was about to advise her to possibly call Pinnacle software (they ARE the manufacturer and most likely know their own stuff the best...) and her mother grabbed the phone and informed me that I was useless and she was going to phone the store from where she bought the software, but if they couldn't help her, she was going to call me back and I was definitely going to give her my manager's home phone number. I didn't even get in a single syllable before she hung up on me.

I stuck around to see if she'd call back, but no beans. I was prepared to break into tears over the phone, but I never got my chance to shine. Most likely for the best. I love how some people think that being rude to me will make me want to help them more. I find it funny how vengeful fools get even more angry when you bend over backwards and do whatever you can to accomadate them; it only makes them look stupider for slandering and screaming at you.

Until Next Time,

The Armchair Crack Attack

Sunday, June 04, 2006

Back to the grind...

Yo! Wussup playas? Guess who's back? Armchair's back! Word! I'm finally back at work after taking off a week due to the plague. Yeah. I'm not kidding. I was as sick as I can ever remember being! It was horrible! Week long migraine, shivers, cold sweats, nausia, dizziness, etc. I haven't really slept in around 5 days and I've been barely eating too. BUT, now I'm back at work and making up for lost time...and you know what that means?

Well, the pants are coming off. That's right. It's the Fruit of the Loom sale at my store now! (More like "Fruit of the Loon"...) Seeing that I've gotta make up for missing 1/4 of my pay period, I'm giving away my pants with every sale (or shirt, if the Thundercats underwear offends too much).

Everyone who comes in is buying something, or I will club a baby seal or something. So, if you want deals, I'm flushing my brain down the toilet. If you want to window shop, prepare to see a grown man clog dance. Just warning in advance; I'm going crazy. It's time to follow in the steps of my mentor, 50 Cent. Time to get mine. Word. Lata,

Da Deadly Desktop Deala n' Laptizzletop Lunatizizic