Tales of Idiocy and Woe...But Now I'm CRAZY in California!

Friday, December 30, 2005


It's been boxing day for the last 4 days in a row! It's been freaky busy every single day and I feel like I'm trapped in Boxing Day, like on Groundhog Day. ("What if there isn't any tomorrow? There wasn't yesterday!") I mean, I'm making lots of money (kinda...though there's no markup on boxing day sales items...crap!) but I'm sick as a mutt and in need of some form of Japanese massage, or a hot tub, or something that would quality as 'pampering'. Right now I'm wearing pampers, (which is close) but unrestricted bowel movement was not really the angle of relaxation I was hoping for. Maybe I need a shampoo and a good scalp massage (my hair dresser is great at that!)

So, I just need to tell everyone...GO HOME! Stop spending money on things you don't need! Leave me alone! Stop calling every nanosecond! Eat the rest of your turkey! Spend time with your kids! Take your singing fish tie back to Sears for a refund! Just do anything besides bother me! ARGH!

Okay. Customers in the store again. I'm going to pass out any second. If I should die, I blame the n00bs. They're going to be my downfall...roving packs of n00bs shopping for "that thing in the flyer that was $400"...which doesn't exist. ARGH! Fighting off a migraine and whining like a freshman,

The Armchair Wuss

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Boxing Day Blues...

(Sing to a nice twelve bar blues lick)

Oh I went to bed late cause I was setting up a network on Christmas day,
I was fixing computers when I went over to my uncles to play,
I ate too much turkey, ate too much gravy,
And I got home so late I got to bed at 2:30.
With 5 hours of sleep, and sinuses that leak,
I had the "Feeling like a steaming pile on boxing day blues"!

It didn't help much that the store was filled up with n00bs,
Some were window shopping, others just couldn't choose.
I don't know why the funny farm let any of them loose!
And two guys asked for prices so low, I almost lost my shoes!
With 700 folks all telling boxing day jokes,
I had the "dealing with brainless meatbags on boxing day blues!"

One thing was good for me and that's that folks came to buy.
Although I did all right that day, I gotta ask why,
Why would you try to argue price with a boxing day fly-
er in your hand? What are you? Drunk? Or maybe weed's got you high!
With the best prices of the year, I still had the fear,
Of the "n00bs trying to skin my hide on boxing day blues"!


So if you're shopping on next boxing day, I have some advice.
Leave your straight jacket at home and try to comb out your lice.
Search through all the flyers till you find the right price,
then when you shop please don't forget to treat the salesman nice.
He's getting run off his feet, and please believe that he's beat,
He's got the "You're a fool and I've gotta deal with you on boxing day blues"!


Man, was I singing that song yesterday. Hundreds of maniacs in my store. So much pink and brown flesh...so little grey matter. Stuff was selling pretty much at cost. I had around 4 people who were window shopping, as in driving all around with no intent to buy, on boxing day.

I gave a guy one deal that was insane (like $300+ off...selling at like $50 over cost and throwing in some extras) and he didn't take it because I didn't have anything with wireless internet that was global. He wanted either a wireless router that had enough power to shoot the 802.11g signal anywhere in the world, or he wanted me to somehow throw in a high speed aircard (which are in the $1,000 vicinity, or so I'm told...but I don't work at jump.ca and don't know their stuff...). I started talking ebonics with him and tried to get him to understand that 'homie don't play that', but there had been a mistake at breakfast. He had eaten his own brain and somehow there was an omlette between his ears.

Another guy was shopping for something with 1024 megs of ram, 200+ hard drive, pentium IV 3Ghz or greater with a 256 meg video card and dvd burner, and somehow figured that he'd find something like that on boxing day for around $300 (which would be more in the $6-800 range). I just hugged him and told him that I didn't judge him for his crack addictions; crack was the bad guy here, not him.

Oh, and two other people tried to barter price. I lightly laughed at both of them and told them that "you're honestly trying to barter on boxing day!" Well, one guy left and one guy bought. He did put it in his pipe and then he did smoke it! HA! Am I the shiznizzle or what?

Not only that, but I did it all with a crazy head cold and a migraine for the last two hours of my day. I took one for the team, though I went home and slept like Mike Tyson found me in bed with Robyn Gibbons. I was KO. Remember, next boxing day...Don't barter and be nice to the salesman. He's getting screwed and most likely making NO money at all (We DO get comission, you know...) so that you can get your unwashed hands on a great deal for something that you most likely don't even need. Give him a hug instead of a hard time. Until Next Time,

The Armchair BB King

Saturday, December 24, 2005

My gift has arrived!

Guess what? I got exactly what I want for Christmas! One whole day away from all the holiday shopping psychos! Yahoo! I have a day off! No more crazy shoppers! YES! I'm gonna sleep in and make me an omlette! Awe Shibbie! Merry Christmas n00bs!

The Armchair Pwner

Thursday, December 22, 2005

The Wonder Twins Strike!

Yes! The Wonders Twins are back in action! Jayna called on the phone today and Zan came into the store in person, and the stupidity ensued!

First off, Jayna called because her keyboard wasn't working. I asked her what "not working" means and she told me that 2 letters and 1 number don't work. She then told me that she "knew" it was the keyboard and wanted a replacement. I asked her if she had tried another keyboard and she said she had, though she thought it worked (and wasn't sure). She then asked as to whether or not the replacement would be a warranty issue. I told her that I'd have to see the keyboard to see if it's actually broken. She refused to come down to the store unless I could "guarantee" that it would be a waranty replacement. I told her that if the keyboard wasn't working, it would most likely be a warranty replacement...but I couldn't guarantee anything. She refused to drive "all the way across town" without knowing whether or not she'd get a free keyboard (She lives in Sutherland, for my readers from Saskatoon..which is like 4 miles from my store...). I told her that I couldn't guarantee anything over the phone, but I reassured her that a physical failure would be a warranty issue. She told me that it wasn't worth her time to come in and hung up the phone. Sheesh

The keyboard is most likely sitting at home, covered in Budweiser and Doritos. Definitely my fault and most definitely a warranty fix. In fact, if you bring in a keyboard covered in beer and doritos, I'll give you $1, just for making my day interesting. Make that $2...$5 if you tip the keyboard to the side and beer pours out.

Second, Zan came in looking for a laptop, driving his Acura NSX. I'm not joking. Acura NSX. In Saskatoon. In winter. He was driving a car that lists for $142,000 Canadian Dollars (http://www.acura.ca/AcuraEng/Models/Default.htm) in the freaking winter. The car was covered in dirt and road salt. As he was talking to another salesman and I edged over to the door to behold his cars mistreatment...and I wept. What a waste. People who winter drive Acura NSX's, Dodge Vipers, BMW M6's and the like don't understand the purposes of such cars. I mean, if you want something sporty to drive in the winter, get an Imprezza WRX or an Infinity G35X and save yourself around $90-100,000. If you want something to drive around in winter that shows off all your money, buy a Range Rover or a Porsche Cayenne. But for the love of Pete Trance's sister, don't drive a mid engined sports car around the slushy Saskatoon streets!

Funny thing too...Zan was a cheap beggar and didn't buy anything. Most likely because every single penny he made waitering at Boston Pizza went into his car (which was most likely used and he most likely paid $50,000 for). None the less, I'm going home now. The day is almost over and I'm almost FREE! Hooray! Until Next Time,

The Armchair Wonder (Twin?)

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Tis the season...

...for silliness and idiocy. The other day, a guy asks me:

"Hey, are you going to have a boxing day sale?"

Not a stupid question, per say, but I'd think he'd know that an electronics/computers store would be having a boxing day sale. Maybe not though...I guess.

Anyway, I said "yes". Then, he asks me:

"Can I get the boxing day sale price today?"

And I had to say "No. It's not boxing day. Also, I don't really know what's going to be on sale and for how much. That's a job for the magesterium to decide." (Okay. I didn't say "magesterium", but I DID say the name of our headquarters...in Utah...)

Then he starts begging for a boxing day sale price on like the 20th of December. Not begging, but whining. He had to drive all the way across town and he really wants "that" item and on and on. Anyway, I was kinda annoyed but a whole lot confused at how a guy whines that it's not boxing day. How bizarre is that? That's like going to a Tony Romas and trying to get the 'all-you-can-eat' ribs on Thursday afternoon. I mean, why would you even ask? I must admit, I wasn't sure whether to admire the strange courage or annoyed by the stupidity. That was an interesting sensation.

Until Next Time,

The Armchair Pre-Boxing Day Salesman

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

All I need is a...

...Couple Days Off! Yeah! It's Christmas and I'm sick as a coon hound! Crap for crap! My room-mate gave me polio... or maybe it's typhoid...or maybe it's jungle fever. Either way, holes that usually don't have things dripping out of them (uncontrolled) do and the ones that should release things don't. My throat is as sore as Micheal Jackson's ego and I have pressure in my head (and suspected chambers therein) that makes me feel like I'm underwater. So, I may have a few moments to blog in the next few days but I also may not as I'm kinda under the weather.

Hmmm. Well, if I have any strokes of genius in the next few days, I'll put some good posts up. Until Next Time,

The Armchair CDC Guinea Pig (I'm sure I'm being monitored to see if this mutagen they've injected into my blood stream will produce the expected results...if I should die, don't forget me; find a fool and beat him in loving memory of me!)

Thursday, December 15, 2005


I just had a phone conversation with our favorite customer; Legion. They called wanting a very specific product, like they always do when they call every other day. Here's the conversation:

Legion: (sounding like a chain smoking Optimus Prime) Greetings my pretty! I seek information regarding your wares!

Me: Well paint me purple and call my Gargamel! Legion! You've found me via telecommunication once again! How hath thee beheld me?

Legion: SILENCE! You shalt speak in answer to my queries!

Me: Yes, my liege!

Legion: I seek some Altec Lansing AD2421 speakers with the version 2 input pod!

Me: I have no knowledge of what ramblings you suggest! You brain may be laden with delta9-tetrahyrdocannabinol!

Legion: NEVER! I know all about all!

Me: I see. Well let me check my stock. (holds phone away from ear for 8 seconds and stares off into the sunset). It appears that we do not sell such wares, nor have we ever had them for purchase. Why does though require such a specific model of merchandise? Is it possible that another type of product could interest you?

Legion: NO! I need such speakers for the bi-hourly checking of my e-mail! I need a subwoofer with a crossover of specifically 160 hz for maximum fidelity of the various chimes and beeps of the world wide web and the windows which it is viewed therein! With no such product for my prospective purchase, I may need call another merchant and publicly parade my ignorance?!

Me: Legion! Hold fast thy tongue! May it be that in thine haste a foul e'er has been committed? May I suggest an alternate course of action?

Legion: You may!

Me: I suggest that you refrain from seeking items based upon nonsensical numbers that you have received from your oracle. Come hither to my shoppe and examine my wares for thyself. If thou regardest any of my materials with delighted eye, you may choose purchase at such time.

Legion: Hmmm...NO! I shall NOT! You seek to deceive me! Foul traitor! You shall pay for your deception!

Me: No! Wait! I only seek to give thee truth!

Legion: CHARLATAN! (hangs up phone with a mighty slam)

Me: *sigh*

Yup. That's the phone call I get every other day or so. Legion calls, looking for something that they completely don't understand. They 'run numbers' in an effort to appear like they have the faintest clue that they know what they're talking about. They compare completely different items and think they are the same. In a tsunami of inebriated discourse and bumfuzzlingly ramshackle rationalizations, they attempt to justify their efforts to buy something that either doesn't exist or is exceedingly beyond/below what they would ever need for the job they have in mind...though usually in less archaistic English. Usually. Either way, 'Numb3rs' customers are often some of the most frustrating. The people that come into a computer store and run numb3rs are the same people that go to the doctor and argue with his diagnosis on the basis of a Readers Digest article. Unfathomable. Until Next Time,

The Armchair Emotionally Carbunclated Geek

Friday, December 09, 2005

I'm hungry for Macaroni and Cheese...

...but I'm stuck here. So, while I'm sitting at work watching Numb3rs (it's kinda SLOW today), I'll blog about a problem that I have at work dealing with Numbers. There's a bizarre problem that people have with understanding numbers, specificall abstract numbers. For example, take the following phone call as an example:

Dirty Dingus McGee: Hey. This is Dirty Dingus McGee and I dropped me computer off yesterday. I'm wondering if it's done.

Me: Let me check. (wanders off and checks the shelf) Sorry Dirty Dingus. Your computer isn't finished. It's in the queue and it'll most likley hit the bench late today or tomorrow.

DDM: Okay. I'll come in at 5:00 and pick it up on my way home from work.

Me: Well, I'd suggest calling first as I'm not sure when it's going to be done. It might be today, it might be tomorrow.

DDM: But you just said it'll be ready later this afternoon.

Me: Uh, well not exactly. I said that it will most likely hit the bench sometime late today or tomorrow. I don't really know when it would be done. If we are really busy, it will take longer to get finished. If we aren't so busy and (Technician's name) gets through his other stuff quick, it may be done today.

DDM: Okay. I'll come in tomorrow and get it.

Me: Well, in order to not make a trip in vain, you should give us a phone call first.

DDM: Okay. I'll see you tomorrow. (hangs up)

Me: *sigh*

Some people just cannot understand that I don't know when things will happen. ARGH! Anyway, that's just the spastic timpani in this cacophonous symphony of my life. Until Next Time,

The Armchair Prophet

Saturday, December 03, 2005

Believe it or not, I'm walking on air...

...I never thought I could feel so free-eee-eee,
Flying away, on a wing and a prayer!
Who, could it be?
Believe it or not, it's the Geek!

Yes, my little Peugeot driving Peons! I have returned to my faithful masses with another episode of "The Heavily Energetic Neurotically Obbsessive Ox-Brain!" (Eerie music)

SO, this was the phone call I just had:

The Man With No Brain: Hello, what's your cheapest best computer?

Me: Well, cheapest and best are two different things. We have good cheap computers though like (blah blah blah) with 256 megs of ram for $399.

THENOOB: Well, I need a gig of ram.

Me: Okay. I have some stuff with a gig of ram. We have one (blah blah blah) for $748.

THENOOB: No! That's way to expensive. How much would it be to through a gig in the $400 machine?

Me: It's around $100 for 512 megs of ram. So that would work out to be around $200.

THENOOB: That's way too much! Geez! I want a used computer that's only like 3 Ghz with a gig of ram and a DVD burner. Don't you have something like that?

Me: Well, I don't have a used 3 Ghz computer with a gig of ram, but I do have the $748 one. That one isn't used.

THENOOB: That's way too much. What a joke.

Me: Okay. How much were you thinking it should be?

THENOOB: $400. (Oh wait. He's NOT done...)

Me: I see. Well, I tell you what. If you can find a used 3Ghz machine with a gig of ram and a DVD burner for $400, you bring in your reciept and I'll buy you lunch at (local restaurant).

THENOOB: Well, I can build one like that for $300 or so.

Me: Oh really? Well, I don't know where in the world you're getting parts from. I mean, the cheapest DVD burner around I know about is $58. Windows XP is $149. Cheap cases are $40. That's already $250 and that doesn't count a processor, power supply, ram or hard drive.

THENOOB: Well, whatever. Can I get something if I trade my old one in?

Me: Sure. What is it?

THENOOB: Well, it's a year old. It's a 2 Ghz PIV with a gig of ram and a 20 gig hard drive and a 16x dual layer DVD burner.

Me: Well, our technicians would have to check it out overnight to see what kind of shape it's in. Also, you'd always be better to sell it privately because, as a business, we'd have to purchase it for a price that we could turn around and sell it for. But, I'd probably think we'd give you around $200-300 for it.

THENOOB: What the heck? I'd want around $500! Why would you give me so little? It's worth $500 at least.

Me: Well, we would sell it for around $400 or so but again, seeing that we're a business, we wouldn't pay you what we'd sell it for. And further more, didn't you expect to pay $400 for a new one? Why would you expect us to pay you more for your used one than you'd pay for a new one? That seems kinda bizarre to me.

THENOOB: Well whatever. I don't have time to talk to idiots. (hangs up)

Me: Oh wait. I'll trade you your old one for three shiny new ones...hello? Damn! (yelling into the phone...don't worry. The store was empty.) YOU JUST MISSED THE CHANCE FOR A DEAL OF A LIFETIME! (hangs up phone while other two sales guys stare at me with curious expressions.)


Well, we definitely have the golden gong award winner for the day. I am amazed at the sheer courage of someone to try to pull such a stunt. I bow down to the most courageous fool around. Good job. Until Next Time,

The Armchair Geek

Friday, December 02, 2005

Time for a new post? Who are YOU to command ME?!

Well, now that my cunning subject line has unleashed subtle rebuke to certain persons, I will post something...something that I've had in the back of my mind for a long time. Something I've wanted to do but didn't have the time...and most likely still don't. (ha!)

I have a question. A question for people out there. There's something I cannot figure out:


Now, I understand that people don't want to buy something that is a piece of garbage or doesn't work. Also, I understand the need for "try before you buy", but almost every person I meet at my shop doesn't know how to "try out" a computer before they purchase it. People who often shop for computers come in and do three very common things that are some bizarre form of "test drive":

1. People "try out" the computer by jiggling the mouse. I mean, what's going on in a person's head when they do that? They always ask if they can try it and then jiggle the mouse around for whatever reason they have in their confused minds. Then, when the mouse works, they figure that everything else is fine.

2. People "try out" the computer by trying to get on the internet and checking their hotmail. People always open up internet explorer and type in "www.hotmail.com" (or sometimes some other e-mail provider). Then, when they get the "the page cannot be displayed" white screen, they ask "why doesn't this computer work?". Well, in a store, none of the computers are on the internet...WRITE IT DOWN. That doesn't mean they don't work. That means they're not connected to the internet.

3. People will find the one computer that is online and log into their MSN/Passport account and then leave it logged in when they leave. Every other day I spend 5-10 minutes trying to find the one from which the 'new message' sound is coming from. I hear the chime and then think "Hmmm...I should use that e-mail account to send some e-mails to a known HAMAS or PLO sympathizer and fill the e-mail with words like "Terrorist", "Bomb", "Anthrax", "Liberation", "Jihad", etc." I haven't yet, but one day I'LL SNAP!

Beware...that could happen to you. If all of a sudden, CSIS is knocking on your door and calling you "Mr. Al-Burat", you've most likely logged into MSN in my store and I've gone over the edge. So, in order to keep from being arrested for national treason, don't log into MSN in a computer store. It's the right thing to do for your country. Until Next Time,

The Armchair "Terrorist, Bomb, Anthrax, Liberation, Jihad, I'm going to nuke the Focus-on-the-Family headquarters in the name of Allah!" Geek.

Wait...I think I just incriminated MYSELF! Dag nab it!