Tales of Idiocy and Woe...But Now I'm CRAZY in California!

Saturday, February 25, 2006

And Now For Something Completely Different...

...Now, This blog is primarily reserved for tales of idiocy and woe that happen at my primary workplace, and the occasional tsunami of Chuck Norris jokes. BUT tonight, due to the absolutely mind-numbing nature of the conversation that I just had in the car with a certain person, I decided to make an exception. Now I have a person in my life who truly needs his own blog, simply for the preservation of all the absolutely, unbelievably, incredibly insane and irrational things that burst forth from his lips. Tonight, on the way home from somewhere, we were talking and the conversation followed as such (and I'm not sure if he wasn't serious...seriously):

Captain Insano: "...blah blah blah...and one day when I get elected to the communist party of Canada of the dictator of Sweden..."

Me: "Chigga Chigga Chigga WHAT? Dictator of Sweden? What the crap are you talking about?"

Captain Insano: "Well, that's been one of my dreams from childhood. Ever since Bible camp I've wanted to be supreme dictator of Sweden. That would be amazing."

Me: "Uh...okay. Well, isn't Sweden a democratic country? I suspect that this answer will astound me, but with an inadequate sence of dread, I want to know how do you plan to overthrow the democracy of Sweden and set yourself up as supreme dictator?"

Captain Insano: "I plan to be elected."

Me: "Ah. Good plan. Elected to the position of supreme dictator. I'm confident that the voting citizens would gladly toss out their democracy and embrace your demo-crazy."


And the conversation continued with my friend trying to explain how he'd become elected to the position of 'supreme dictator of Sweden'. A few more comments like that, and I will start a blog dedicated to the preservation of his insanity. I am utterly almost speechless. HA! Until Next Time,

The Armchair Dictator of Sweden

Friday, February 24, 2006

And now back to our regularly scheduled madness...

Yup. Enough with the Chuck Norris Jokes. Now for a tale of the unexpected...

Today a woman comes in and says:

Woman: Hi. I came by a few days ago and looked at a computer and now I want to see it again beacuse I'm thinking about buying it.

Me: Okay. Do you know which one it was that you were looking at?

W: It was a computer.

M: (already foreseeing where this is going...and crying on the inside...) okay. Was it a desktop or a laptop?

W: I don't remember. It was something like $699 or $799 or something like that...under a thousand I think.

M: Well, was it one of these small portable ones or one of these big styles?

W: Oh...uh...I'm kinda computer illiterate. I don't know. (That comment DOESN'T apply here! We're talking about remembering the shape of a BOX, not system specs or something! ARGH!)

M: Well, who did you talk to?

W: One of the sales guys.

M: (lists all five possible names) Was it one of them?

W: I think his name was Albert.

M: Hmmm...there's no 'Albert' here. (There's nobody with a name that phonetically sounds anything like 'Albert') Did he write anything down or give you some sort of quote?

W: Yeah. I left it at home.

M: Okay...Was he tall, short?

W: Taller than me (woman is like 5'0).

M: Glasses?

W: I wasn't paying attention.

M: What color was his hair?

W: uh...let's see...hmmm....

M: Was he a larger fellow or a skinny guy?

W: Oh...I forget.


And the conversation continued on like that for like 10 minues. She didn't remember who she talked to, what he looked like (even in the most rudimentary details...sheesh!), whether it was a desktop or a laptop, what the price even was, or any single detail of their conversation whatsoever. After 10 minutes, she admitted that she didn't even know if my store was the one she originally came too.

After we moved on, I tried to show her some stuff but she was quite determined to only get the deal that she had discussed with someone at some store some time in the past beacuse that deal, and that deal alone was what she wanted to look at. Not even buy...just examine! She eventually thanked me for showing her some things and whatnot, but went home to get her original quote. She forgot her car in my parking lot and is most likely in El Salvador now, wondering why her key won't fit in her front door. Until Next Time,

The Armchair...uh...hold on a sec...uhm...something starting with a "G"...oh....uh...whatever!

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Two good ones I forgot...

...At the age of 2, Chuck Norris hunted down his feminine side and his inner child, knocked them both out with a single roundhouse kick and flash-baked them alive in the nuclear furnace of his own kryptonian testosterone.

...Also, Chuck Norris recently won the title of Iron Chef by cooking a 9 course meal in 13 minutes using only nunchuks and three perfectly timed roundhouse kicks. Also during the course of the show, Chuck also won a nobel prize for some crazy medical breakthrough that he formulated while waiting for the main course to cook.

Until Next Time,

The Armchair Nuck Chorris.

The Cream of the Crap...

As many people might know, the cool thing for the next 17 minutes these days is 'Chuck Norris Jokes'. I don't know where this all started, and I don't really care. They're just amazingly stupid and every 12 year old kid on the Internet is spouting Chuck Norris jokes like they're going out of style, which of course they are. None the less, I have sorted through all 40,000 Chuck Norris Jokes (and made up several hundred of my own) and I now present some of the only good ones. There are other Chuck Norris Jokes out there, and they can all be found at:


but they're officially mostly stupid. Here's also a link to a story of how they started:


Here's the cream of the crap:

Chuck Norris is considered a prime number in certain schools in Ontario.

Chuck Norris is the only man alive whose white blood cells have black belts.

Little Miss Muffet, sat on her tuffet, eating her curds and weigh. Along came a spider, who sat down beside her, and arrived just in time to see Chuck Norris roundhouse kick her into a glacier.

An American Islamic cleric offered a $1,000,000 reward and a Rolls Royce to anyone who kills the cartoonist who drew Prophet Muhammad. After realizing that the cartoonist was Chuck Norris, the cleric gave an official apology on CNN on behalf of Islam for being so anal and in order to not risk the wrath of Chuck Norris, converted to the Official Church of Chuck Norris...aka. Scientology.

Chuck Norris once tried a speed dating service. There were no survivors.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a man so fast that his foot, traveling faster than the speed of light, travelled back in time and mistakenly killed Amelia Earhart.

Contrary to common rumor, Chuck Norris never beat up the kids when he was in elementary school and stole their lunch money. Chuck don't need money.

Chuck Norris can lift a mountain over his head with one arm and make a perfect pitcher of Kool Aid with the other.

Little kids enjoy lighting ants on fire with magnifying glasses. Chuck Norris enjoys lighting little kids on fire with ants. Scientists have yet to find out how this feat is achieved.

Every morning, Church Norris shaves his beard by running through barbed wire fences.

Chuck once bet some engineers at N.A.S.A. that he could survive re-entry from space bare naked. After jumping out of the shuttle au naturale, Chuck got into the Guiness book of Records for streaking in 17 states in 49 seconds. Also, some guys at N.A.S.A. still owe Chuck a beer.

The Ford Motor Company is currently changing the standard Horse Power rating system into a system that is based on Chuck Norris' Roundhouse Kicks. A 2006 Mustang Cobra GT500 used to be rated at 450 horsepower. Using the current 'Roundhouse Kick' based rating system, it has 0.014 horspower.

When Chuck Norris wants to get a buzz he mixes 2kg of pure Heroine with 4L of Everclear and a 9 whole bottles of Nyquil. The actual drink has little to no effect on him but he acts drunk to seem cooler to his friends.

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris refers to himself in fourth person.

Chuck Norris is the only man alive who can speak braille.

Chuck Norris ends every relationship with "Its not me, its you".

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

Chuck Norris once had a near death experience. Needless to say, Death now refuses to come near him.

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man once ate an Indian.

Chuck Norris clogs the toilet even when he pees.

Every dinosaur skull ever found has the imprint of a size 15 cowboy boot on its jaw. Scientists are baffled, but we know damn well why.

Chuck Norris once had a heart attack; his heart lost.

Chuck Norris is fully allowed to talk about Fight Club.

Switzerland really isn't neutral. They just haven't figured out what side Chuck Norris is on yet.

Chuck Norris can open beer cans with his teeth. He still prefers to use other people's teeth, though.

Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.

Aliens do exist, have a massive fleet and are planning to attack. The plan is to wait for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.

Geico saved 100% on life insurance by switching to Chuck Norris.

If you come home to find Chuck Norris sleeping with your wife, it's probably best to go fetch a glass of water and stand there in case Chuck gets thirsty. There ain't no future in any other course of action.

Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know when Chuck Norris is going to kill you.

Chuck Norris once won the Gold, Silver and Bronze in the Women's 4-man Bobsled. It's best not to question Chuck.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked Bruce Lee so fast he sent Bruce Lee back in time where he changed his name. History remembers him as Ghengis Khan.

Chuck Norris went to a fortune teller once. She predicted pain.

Chuck Norris can roundhouse kick the bedroom light off and get under the covers before the room turns dark.

Chuck Norris once split an atom by biting it and then outran the blast.

Chuck Norris can roundhouse kick you in the face with his left leg and his right leg...at the same time.

Chuck Norris doesn't start fights. He initiates genocides.

Stephen Hawking and Chuck Norris once had a debate on the steady state theory...hence the wheelchair.

Chuck Norris once drank a gallon of milk and pooped out a stick of butter.

It is a well known fact that diamonds are the products of heat and pressure applied to coal. A little known fact though is that if you apply even more heat and pressure to a whole bag of diamonds, you'll make a Chuck Norris.

Every man other than Chuck Norris is secretly slightly gay.

Chuck Norris never stole a cookie from the cookie jar. Chuck takes whatever the crap he wants.

On Chucks first day at school, all the kids gave the teacher an apple. Chuck gave the teacher a signed copy of Missing In Action.

When Chuck Norris decides to go to sleep, the sun knows what freaking time it is.

The nuclear explosion at the end of the movie Predator is not special effects. It's stock footage of Chuck Norris farting.

When Chuck Norris was young, he went tricker-treating and put Nestle out of business.

Chuck Norris once went to McDonalds for a Breakfast Burrito at 10:35, but since it was too late he ran faster than the speed of light and went back to 9:30. Then he roundhouse kicked it so hard it became a Wendy's and he had a Junior Bacon Cheeseburger just to spite them.

Chuck Norris used to shoot down American planes in the Vietnam War just so he could resuce the P.O.W.'s for giggles.

Takeru Kobayashi once ate 50.5 hotdogs in 12 minutes to show how cool he was. Unimpressed, Chuck Norris then proceded to eat Takeru Kobayashi.

Chuck Norris filmed all 202 episodes of Walker, Texas Ranger, in one day.

If you look into a mirror and say Chuck Norris 3 times, Chuck bombs a small African Village.

There's no "i" in "team", but there's one in "Chuck Norris", one in "beating", and one in "immanent". You do the math.

I don't know what all those Indians are whining about...it was Chuck Norris' land anyway.

Every one of Chuck Norris' genes are dominant.

Once, a man asked Chuck Norris why he always roundhouse kicks. Chuck Norris opened his mouth to answer; but then Mr. T punched the guy in the chest and said, "I pity the fool who questions Chuck Norris."

The turning point of World War II was not when the allies invaded Normandy, but when Chuck Norris was born and Hitler shot himself to avoid the consequences.


Here's some Halo2 and X-Box related facts about Chuck Norris:

Chuck Norris once played Halo2 and got 19 kills in the pregame lobby.

Later on, he beat a whole team of modders using only roundhouse kicks.

Everytime Chuck Norris plays a big team battle on Halo2, it spontaneously changes from an 8-on-8 game to a 15-on-1 game and everyone on the other team strangely gets overshields, infinite cloak and unlimited sniper and rocket ammo while Chuck's handicap defaults to severe...Bungie's code crackers are still trying to figure out why. None the less Chuck is still undefeated.

On Halo2, Chuck Norris can snipe with an SMG and beat down using a warthog.

When Chuck Norris plays Halo2, the n00b combo actually increases his shields.

When Chuck got his legit 50 in rumble pit, he comitted suicide 46 times and still won using only roundhouse kicks.

Somehow Chuck Norris always gets triple kills in double team matches.

In a related note, if you make it to a legit 50 in every game type on Halo2 your rank will turn from a ring into a picture of Chuck Norris. Not that you'd ever get a legit 50 in anything.

Bungie has a new strategy to stop all the cheaters on Halo2. Everytime there is a report of cheating, the Bungie server pings the suspected I.P. and sends a 'name/address' e-mail report to Chuck Norris. Strangely enough, Bungie.net reports that there are currently 19 people playing Halo2.

Chuck Norris also is the current world champion at "Dance Dance Revolution", beating the entire game in 23 minutes using only roundhouse kicks.


Okay. Thats enough Chuck Norris Jokes. Until Next Time,

The Armchair Chuck Norris.

Some News...

Well, it's official. I'm being sued. Not me personally, but my company. A certain person (who shall remain nameless and not even hinted at due to possible legal issues) is suing my store for selling him a 'faulty computer'...well, two 'faulty computers' apparently. They both apparently don't work at all, cannot run any software, get viruses without even being on the internet and and randomly delete files and change program associations (for certain types of media) without anyone touching them whatsoever. At least that's the accusation. (?!) If that is the case, I'm guessing that Jonny 5 is alive. I might send those two sentient computers to N.A.S.A or M.I.T. It would save billions of dollars of research into A.I., seeing that there are already two early version of S.K.Y.N.E.T here in Saskatoon.

I don't understand how some people cannot fathom the phrase 'user error'. Wonders never cease. Here's a quote for the books:

I love people but I HATE customers.

Until Next Time,

The Armchair Johnny Cochrane

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

One last thing...

Happy Valentines Day N00bs.

The #1...

Yes, the Number One thing that people say to me is:

"Well, I'm pretty computer illiterate" or some variation of that comment. I was going to make a smart alec comment on this particular excuse, what with 'illiterate' meaning "unable to read and write", but when I checked Websters, it gave the definition of 'illiterate' as being:

1 : having little or no education; especially : unable to read or write
2 a : showing or marked by a lack of familiarity with language and literature b : violating approved patterns of speaking or writing
3 : showing or marked by a lack of acquaintance with the fundamentals of a particular field of knowledge

So, because of the third one, I cannot. Curses and swears all around! It seems all my customers are properly using the term, as much as the phrase annoys me. Dang it! Stupid Websters! Ruined what could have been a hilarious post! Argh! Until Next Time,

The Armchair Webster Hater

A New Experience...

The other day, over the phone, a person called me a f*cking d*ck! I mean, really now?! Come on. That's about pushing the line and approaching rudeness.

His wife called regarding something that they saw at Costco. She apparently saw exactly the same computer and was wondering why our price was way higher than Costco's. (I coincedently went to Costco today and saw what he was talking about...Different brand name, smaller monitor, half the ram, half the hard drive and half the amount of processors? That is probably why the price was different...?!)

Anyway, when she called I asked her to tell me the specs on the Costco computer. She didn't have a clue but insisted that they were exactly the same as the one that I had. We talked for a few minutes and in that time I attempted to explain thatI did match competitors prices but needed a paper quote to know that I'm matching apples to apples and not apples to oranges. (I mean, what do you say when it's half the cost and she expects you to simply give her your maching for like $300 below cost?) I figured that she understood and I thanked her for her patience and promised her a 'better than average' deal for her patience.

Anyway, after I hung up, the phone rang and a man asked for "the guy who just talked to my wife". I greeted him and he preceded to insult me and call me a f*cking d*ck. Then he hung up. Yup. I think he needed a hug, but he hung up before I could offer. Dang. Until Next Time,

The Armchair Snugglebunny

Thursday, February 09, 2006

Gonga Din stole my left sock.

Well, not really. In fact, I don't even really know who Gonga Din is. Maybe it's actually some sort of ethnic dish. Hmm. Oh well...This simple quesiton has been running around in the back of my mind for almost 2 months now:

How is it possible for a person who makes a living using computers, who runs a computer based business, who spends 45+ hours a week working on a computer, to have basically no knowledge whatsoever about computers?

I mean, I know dozens of people who use computers for work who can navigate their way around one, or install software, or run an anti-virus program. I know plenty of other people who can install a copy of windows, or do some minor trouble shooting on their own (i.e. google a topic and read some internet tech forums), or whatever. I'm not talking about the technical stuff, like knowing how to firmware update a router, or knowing how to change a motherboard.

I mean, I have a customer who makes his living using computers with difficult and expensive software, doing fairly difficult things, and every person I've ever met in his field (I know at least 7 people in his field) is more tech savy than I am. (I can't say his name or what he does, in case he ever finds this blog and wants to sue me...he's that kinda person). This customer dropped some serious coin on a specific piece of hardware that I assumed he had the faintest clue how to run.

Well, now I win my own golden gong award for selling him a computer. He's about as good with a computer as your average Amazonian tribesman. He can turn it on, and that's pretty much it. He constantly calls me with tech support questions about the multi-hundred (or thousand) dollar software that he uses for his business. I mean, I'd think you'd learn how to run a program if your livelyhood depended on it. He doesn't have a working knowledge of the basic vocabulary of his own trade and thereby cannot explain his technical problems to me over then phone, which I'm still expected to solve. Talk about frustrating.

To top it all off, he has a short fuse and a penchant for using the word 'lawyer' flippantly and in needlessly heated conversation. Threats get you nowhere with a person who has nothing to lose (and also has legal documentation saying that he's "not responsible for software problems")

Some customers need some to be educated...others need to be entertained...and others simply need to be ushered out the door. I wish I could differentiate between the three and save myself a world of hurt. Stink. Until Next Gripe,

The Armchair Geek.