Laughing and Sobbing and everything in between!

I was shopping online in my new hometown (2 weeks out...then I'm in California! AWE YEAH!) for a new Laser Multi-Function printer and I found this gem of a customer review (I think this person came into my store recently):


Pros & Cons: The Light Almond or White asthetic colors are and have been on the way out for several years now. It's a shame that the Orientals that produce P.C. Peripherials are hung up on Silver, Black, some grey shades. These colors are selfish and somewhat ugly. But this (Brand X) Laser printer has kept the beautiful secrets of light almond to make your home or office beautiful.

Other Thoughts: It's 90% imposible for you to search and buy the light almond PC Case, keyboard, speakers, and thin 19" LCD monitor, and yes 5 button mouse. The PC industry has turned selfish with black and silver domination.

***************

Laughing out loud. That's quite possibly the most useless product review I've ever read.

Does it work? Don't know.
Does it have any major flaws? Don't know.
Is it easy to set up? Don't care.
Does it burn through the toner? What's toner?
How does it compare to other brands you've owned? Other whatnows?
Is it pretty? Writes two paragraphs.

Some people don't seem to get the purpose of buying a printer. Two weeks from now I won't care anymore, cause I'm OUT of HERE! HA! Until Next Time,

The Armchair Office Decorator

P.S. - $5 says that the aforementioned review was written by Weberta. Just guessing.

The Golden Gong!

Okay. It's been a while since I handed out a Golden Gong. I should have several times, but I either forgot or was ringing it myself with my sloth. Either way, today was a keeper:

At 7:59pm on my watch (as I was unplugging the "open" sign on the store), a man rode his bicycle up to the shop and wandered in. I greeted him and he smiled, but said nothing. He proceeded to look at laptops and I put away the cash drawer that I was counting. I asked him how he was doing and he smiled again. I asked him if he was looking for something specific and he then said, in as much as I could figure, if I spoke French. ("Tu parle francais?")

I said "non, je ne parle pas francais toujours".

He then proceeded to attempt what seemed to be 2 or 3 other languages, but I amazingly was unable to understand him. So, he started making hand gestures and speaking in what sounded like a middle-eastern language. I couldn't make out a thing. He was pointing at computers, and pointing at the floor, and making circular gestures...none of which I could follow for the life of me. I tried a few things, like establishing if he was shopping or needing some information/advice, but nothing. He eventually went back to speaking French, and I caught enough to figure that his brother likes eating ham sandwiches. Either way, after a few minutes of that, I pointed at the sign and then at my watch, saying "closed!". He was totally confused, so I pointed at the door and held out the key, locking it. I think he understood, seeing that he left...but I hope I didn't offend him.

That only left me with one question:

WHY ARE YOU SHOPPING ALONE IF YOU DON'T SPEAK A LICK OF ENGLISH?

Sheesh. I felt sorry for him, but I was also kinda really frustrated that he somehow thought he'd be able to evaluate and purchase product without the benefit of linguistic communication. I understand his struggle, but wouldn't common sense think to bring along a translating friend? I guess I'm venting because he also came in at 7:59. Murphy one, Armchair zippo. Until Next Time,

The Armchair Translator

Good News!

I'm only human. The recent spammer attack has prompted me to put 'word verification' on for comments...I kinda lost patience with it. I'd like to apologize to my large body of semi-literate and visually impaired readers...the extra 4-6 letters you'll have to type means that it will take you twice as long to comment on my blog, so plan to make an evening of it. Until Next Time,

The Armchair "This thing needs a retinal scanner" Geek

Pawn at Dawn on the Lawn...

Now, here's proof that the stuff I invent is half as funny or weird as the stuff that happens in real life. Fo Shizzle! So, I'm here this morning and a guy comes in with a duffle bag full of 'merchandise' asking if we take things in "trade". (Suspicious entrance). I know the answer is a resounding "NO!", but out of curiousty I say "well, depends on what you're trying to trade. If it's a relatively new laptop or desktop, we may definitely take it."

Is it?

Come ON! Not even remotely close. So what was in the tickle trunk?

1. PCMCIA ethernet card for windows 95/98.

2. Magnetic Tape eraser...I've never seen one, but they're apparently used for erasing VHS tapes and cassette tapes. (technology from before the death of Kurt Cobain)

3. VGA to TV adapter for DOS (eeep!) or Windows 3.0 or 3.1, and it's the size of a small laptop...aka freaking HUGE! In the days before S-Video outputs on video cards (circa 1997, But Windows 3.1 was circa 1994), those things were used if you wanted to see your Harvard Graphics pie charts from your Amiga on your cathode ray tube television...you know, the TV's like the ones they had on Star Trek...the one first one. The old fashion kind. Sweet.

(Suspicious products)

Apparently he got it all at a pawn shop, and now is trying to sell it. (Suspicious story). So, just for giggles, I gave him $100 from the till. Just Kidding. I explained to him that his stuff wasn't worth anything, offered him a donut, and bid him a good day. (I was going to write something smart-alecky here, but I'm trying to be nicer online. Apparently some of my friends are scared of being on my blog...so that's a hint that I've become a tad mean. Doh! Don't fear me, for I am a loving, kind, individual! Hugs for all!) Until Next Time,

The Armchair Pawnerer

- On an unrelated note, holding a magnetic tape eraser (very powerful electromagnet) to your head for a few minutes apparently makes your nose bleed. Just FYI.

And THEN ...

If ANYONE has ever worked retail, or service of any kind, you'll understand the frustration of the 'last second customer'. You know, the guy who shows up right as you're cashing out (or locking the door), and wastes an hour of your time for nothing? Oh man. I always have those, but tonight was a special one.

I'm leaving the store (after I've shut down and it's 20 minutes after closing) and a guy is loitering outside. I set the alarm and then open the door to leave and he tries to sneak into the store as I'm leaving! I blocked the way and said "Hey dude, I've just set the alarm for the night and I'm leaving. We've been closed for almost half an hour". AND, of course, then he starts whining. Not talking to me like I'm a human being. Talking to me like he's a poodle. WHINING.

"Well, I've been all over town (yeah right. He's walking...) and I really need to get a screw to mount a hard drive. I have three screws and I lost the fourth and I need to get it so it doesn't sit loose."

That's what he stood around waiting for...A screw. Not exactly a necessary part.

So then, in my persistent efforts to leave, I lock the door and explain "Well, I'd love to help, but the technicians have all gone home for the night and their parts cabinet is locked. I cannot even get at their hard drive screws."

But he doesn't take "no" for an answer. He persists,

"Don't lie to me! I just saw you lock the door! You have keys in your hand! All I need is ONE screw!"

Now at this time, if he was nice, I'd open the door and hunt around in the back for a screw for him...just as a recognition of the persistence and a sign of respect. But seeing that he got angry at me and called me a liar to my face, I have no concern to cater to him. So instead, I pulled out my keys and told him

"I'm going home. Help yourself and lock up when your done."

Just kidding.

But I DID say "Look bud. We're closed. We've been closed for 27 minutes now. The cabinet is locked. I'm done work and I'm going home and insults and injuries won't change anything. Do you want a lift to wherever you're going?"

He says "Damn it! That stinks. Well, I'll come back tomorrow. I only live over there." (points to an apartment block across the street.

He waiting until 8:25 to come across the street and then squaked that I was leaving.

So I beat him with a spade.

No kidding. I was freaking annoyed.

But, I ended up leaving and went home as he turned around and walked back across the street.

Until Next Time,

The Armchair Geek

P.S. - This post was a COMPLETE fabrication, made to satisfy C and K in Ko. Apparently they check this blog daily for posts and I couldn't let them down. The downside is that the stuff that I make up isn't half as funny as stuff that happens in real life...well, except the story about the 37 inch femur. That one was an instant classic.

But yeah. Didn't happen. I'm not that funny. Sorry. You just got pwned. HA!

Ding the Dong Dell...

Oh Jerry! I had a good one today! Read on and weep:

Lady: Hello? I recently ordered a computer from you and I'm wondering if I can change the order.

Me: Sure. Who did you buy it from?

Lady: You.

Me: Okay. So can I get your name and number?

Lady: (gives me info)

Me: Uh, i don't have you in my database. Let's try phone numbers. What's you're phone number.

Lady: (gives phone number).

Me: Hmmm. I don't have that in my database either. Did you buy it under a business name or number, or maybe did you give me your cellular number when you ordered it?

Lady: No. I ordered it in my name.

Me: Hmmm. Do you know the name of the salesman that helped you out?

Lady: Uh, I think his name was Raj.

Me: Raj? Uh, are you sure it wasn't Beatrice, or Alice, or Penelope? Those are the names of the other sales guys here, and my name is Gladys. We don't have anyone named "Raj" working here at all. (Names have been changed to not compromise any persons under witness protection)

Lady: What? He was there yesterday? I don't have time for this. Put Raj on the phone. I just want to upgrade something on my order.

Me: (Suspecting what's going on) What store were you trying to call?

Lady: Dell. Isn't this Dell?

Me: Well, actually no. This is 'Asian Poodle Sprinkler Computers'. We're a local company that sells refurbished Dell products every now and then, but we're not a Dell outlet, nor are we connected with them.

Lady: Well, it says in the phonebook that you're a Dell seller.

Me. Well, as I mentioned, we're a local company that sells refurbished Dell products, but you cannot change Dell orders via us.

Lady: What? It says "Dell" in the phonebook...

Me: But we're not "Dell" per say. We sell some Dell refurbished products, but we're not Dell. I mean, did you call us when you ordered it?

Lady: That's false advertising.

Me: (ignoring the accusation) Well, I'm guessing you called 1-800-4My-Dell as opposed to 555-1337 (our number) when you bought it. That's the number I'm guessing you thought you called. Did you get that? 1-800-4My-Dell. That's Dell's number. I'm sure if you called them, they have someone who can take your 'change of order'. I do appreciate your call though...if you ever need service for your Dell, feel free to bring it by our shop! We have A+ certified technicians!

Lady: Well...whatever. I'm calling Dell and complaining.

Me: I'm sorry? Complaining about what?

(Lady hangs up phone)

**********

SHEESH! She dialed the wrong number and gets mad at ME, even when I try to help her find the right number to go buy a product at another vendor! I'd love to hear her 'complaint' call to Dell too. That would be a keeper:

Lady: Hello?

Dell: Hello?

Lady: I'd like to register a complaint. I called a WRONG number and they couldn't help me with any modifications to my order! I'm VERY upset at your service!

***********

Sometimes you laugh, sometimes you cry, sometimes you get angry. Sometimes you're simply stunned. This was one of those times. I'm going home to eat...I need to buy a new computer. Doh! Until Next Time,

The Armchair Raj

Will you shop for me Miss Krebapple?

Every now and then, people call my store and seem to be confused as to the purpose of the retail store that I work at. They call me and expect me to help them shop for a product that I don't sell, or they call me and expect me to find them the best deal on something at somewhere else. I'm not kidding in the least.

A few days ago, a guy called and was looking for a tiny laptop, with every feature imaginable. H wanted something with a DVD-RW, a gig of RAM, a 100 gig hard drive, wireless N (not even out yet), a dual core turion processor (BARELY out yet), and an 8 inch screen.

I told him that "I don't have anything along those lines..." and I proceeded to try to communicate to him what I DID have. I'm not sure if he understood English (he didnm't have an accent), but he simply restated his 'shopping list' to me again.

I then hopped on the internet and did a quick bit of exploring, while on the phone with him. I told him that the product he was looking for didn't exist. I then found that there were 2 or 3 products that were available in a 12.1 inch screen, and he asked me what they were. I told him the name and he asked me where to buy them.

At that point, I realised that I was shooting myself in the foot so I suggested that he give me his name and I'd call around to see if I could get one of those items in, then I'd call him back.

Then, as a response to my offer to 'order one in for you', he suggested that he didn't want to deal with my store because he'd heard bad things about it; we know our stuff but our prices are way too high and our service stinks. Instead he was wondering if I could shop online for him, find him the best price, and then send him an e-mail or tell him where to shop.

I wasn't shocked, but I almost laughed over the phone at him. "Excuse me? You heard that I'm smart but offer poor service, so you're wondering if you can glean my wisdom without the commitment of purchasing from me?" I went on to explain that I was surprised to hear that and mentioned that I'd love a chance to give example for what fantastic service I CAN offer. I asked him where he heard such things (he didn't know...lol). I tried to explain that I appreciated his vote of confidence in my technical knowledge, but I apparently needed an opportunity to repair a tarnished reputation and I'd go the 'extra mile' for him, if he'd give me the opportunity.

He then said "Look. I don't want to fight. Just give me the number of the other store and I'll leave you alone".

I tried to tell him that I had found the products listed on the internet, on a 'web site' and I would have too look for the phone number on the web site, but as I was saying that he said:

"Geez! If you're not going to help me than fine!"

and he hung up.

*****Hello?

Two things were crazy:

1. A guy calls me, insults me, and then expects me to use my 'knowledge' to do his shopping for him and shoot myself in the foot.

2. For some reason or another, I was playing along. I almost ended up finding the phone number and giving it to him...and I would have if he wouldn't have hung up on me. I don't know what came over me!

Well, so much for that. Even the best of us trip up once in a while. Until Next Time,

The Armchair Shopping Monkey

The Young and the Wrestlers...

Every now and then, I get customers in the store who come in for reasons beyond human comprehension. A Father, wife and daughter tag-team came in the other day, and in as much as I could tell, I was on candid camera. He was one of the more rude people I've ever talked to (although he's up against competition of biblical proportions), and his wife and daughter were relatively polite and well mannered.

Either way, everything I said he shot down. It didn't matter what I said; he had some smart alec negative response. Things like:

- "I want something cheap! She doesn't need the fanciest thing around..." (I show them the stuff that's cheap...) "I said 'cheap', not 'crap'."

- "Why would I buy that one when I can get this one (holds up competitors flyer) that has a bigger hard drive for $200 more?" (I try to explain to him that the extra hard drive isn't worth the $200 difference) he says "Why should I believe anything you say? You're the salesman!"

- "Do you have any laptops that aren't SLOW?" (Says it in the most abnoxious tone ever)

- (My favorite)

Abnoxious Man: This store has that one for like $699

Me: Oh really? Do you have the add?

Abnoxious Man: No...but I remember what it was.

Me: Do you know the processor?

Abnoxious Man: No. I think it was and IBM. (NOT a type or processor.)

Me: How big was the hard drive?

Abnoxious Man: Uh, like 60 gigs...or 80 or 100 or something like that.

Me: Do you know how much ram it had?

Abnoxious Man: It was like either 500-something or 1000-and-a-bit.

Me: Ah...well, those details would make a tad of a difference to the price. Are you sure it was this exact model, with these exact specs?

Abnoxious Man: Absolutely.

(*sigh*)

Then, after a while, I shifted gears. I put on my "fun cap" and started going crazy. I simply started catering to him and offering him whatever he wanted, to the point of absurdity.

I offered him free extended warranty

I offered him a free upgrade to a DVD burner model with a larger hard drive

I offered him a free printer

I offered him a free bag

I offered him a free mouse

I offered him a free anti-virus program

He still didn't buy.

The first mark of a "corn-fed-Iowa-idiot" is when he admits 3 times that he doesn't know something and then claims he's absolutely certain of it. The second mark is when I offer him $348.96 of free stuff on a laptop that's worth $750 and he walks, in search of a better deal. I sometimes entertain myself too much. For the record, if he would have bought that machine and taken my 'insane' deal, I would have been around minus $150 on that deal. I was glad that he didn't buy though...that would have been bad...but I wasn't worried because I'm that good! HA! Living on the edge! Until Next Time,

The Armchair Dingleberry

Sad, sad news...

Well, yesterday I sold my computer to my hair dresser. Now I'm proud, because that means that I'm most likely the best salesman since Alexander the Great, but I'm sad because I now have no computer. I'll buy one in a few weeks, but until then, I won't be able to blog much. I'll do what I can, possibly using Captain Insano's "www.MSN247.com" computer or Blackjack's "Pavlo the Pirate", but I don't really know how well that will work. We'll see. I should be sporadic for the next few weeks.

BUT,

This just in. Paris Hilton is as stupid as Paris Hilton. You know things are bad when the hotel 'whoress' (or is it 'heiress') becomes her own adjective; there's really no other standard for her but herself. Apparently she's giving up eating meat and wearing fur, and she's going to abstain from sex for a year. Why? To spend more time thinking about herself! HA! Like she needs to be MORE vain! At the game of life, Paris gets pwned again. Here's the link:

http://entertainment1.sympatico.msn.ca/Celebs/News/ContentPosting.aspx?newsitemid=KP12070603&feedname=CP-SHOWBIZ_V2&show=False&number=0&showbyline=False&subtitle=&detect=&abc=abc

What a chimp. I'm going to try to meet her when I go to California. And I'm going to give her a pie in the face. Possibly not a cream pie though...possibly a hamburger pie. That would be AWESOME! Until next time,

The Armchair Heiress

Happy Anniversary!

Yes, it's my 1 year anniversary! One year ago today, I started posting and venting on the internet! It's been quite a year, with tons of insanity and pulitzer-class writing coming at ya! In a bit of a trip through this past year, here's some of my favorite posts from the past year, commenting on some of my most memorable experiences at my workplace; The National Rifle Association:

1. The lady who washed her computer and wondered why it stopped working (http://thearmchairgeek.blogspot.com/2005/08/august-26-golden-gong.html)
2. The guy who asked me (the sales guy) to co-sign for him on a finance (http://thearmchairgeek.blogspot.com/2005/07/what-ficticious-conversation.html)
3. The guy who bought the printer that didn’t come with any necessary parts and didn’t work, but bought it because it was cheap. (http://thearmchairgeek.blogspot.com/2005/08/truth-about-bottom-dollar.html)
4. The guy who told me that he didn’t believe that HP/Dell/whatever tech support was from India (http://thearmchairgeek.blogspot.com/2005/10/duh-duh-duh.html)
5. The guy who called for tech support to copy movies that he’d rented from Blockbuster. (http://thearmchairgeek.blogspot.com/2005/10/speechless-in-seattle.html)
6. The sea shells in the printer. (http://thearmchairgeek.blogspot.com/2005/11/she-sells-sea-shells-by-lex-store.html)
7. My “ground beef at midas” comment…one of my most shining moments (http://thearmchairgeek.blogspot.com/2006/04/me-and-my-big-mouth.html)
8. The guy who came in looking for a computer specifically for getting tons of porn (http://thearmchairgeek.blogspot.com/2006/05/so-apparently-im-not-counsellor-troy.html)
9. The guy who called to see who did our financing (http://thearmchairgeek.blogspot.com/2005/07/line-of-all-lines.html)
10. The lady who wouldn’t buy any computer that was exported. (http://thearmchairgeek.blogspot.com/2005/11/logical-argu-whats.html)

Also, here's a few GEMS that were previously UNBLOGGED:

1. About a year ago, a customer brought in a computer monitor and asked us to try to fix it. We agreed to take a look at it, so we took it to the back. When we plugged it in, pink smoke poured out of the back. We didn’t have a clue what was wrong, but we told her that it wasn’t worth fixing. We never did figure that one out, but man! PINK smoke? What in the world?!
2. I was selling a guy a computer and he decided on the computer and everything and as we were at the till, I asked him about extended warranty. He asked me what warranty came with it and I told him that since the computer was refurbished, it came with the standard 90 day warranty. He griped and I offered him a few 1 year extended warranty, but he refused to take it. He kept asking, like 10+ times, if it came with a 1 year warranty and I kept saying “no, but I’ll include extended warranty for nothing”. He wanted me to say “it comes with a 1 year warranty” and I wouldn’t, because it didn’t, but I did keep offering extended warranty for nothing. I couldn’t figure it out, and he eventually got frustrated and left. I could never figure out why he was so concerned about me saying that it came with the 1 year warranty…but my inability to use deceitful rhetoric cost me a sale. Go figure…
3. A few days after Boxing Day, December 2004, a customer came, complaining. He had bought a computer several weeks before, at the beginning of December, and had seen something on a Boxing Day sale that was cheaper (by like $75) than what he paid for his computer. He basically asked us to stroke him a cheque for the price difference, and seeing that we don’t officially price match it was a Boxing Day sale, we told him we wouldn’t. He got quite angry, and although we tried to explain things to him, he refused to listen. After a bunch of insults and whatnot, he stormed out of the building. I couldn’t believe that one.
4. On our store answering machine, there was once a guy who called, sounding quite desperate. He was trying to re-install his operating system while remaining on the internet. Apparently he really needed to be on a certain website but he also really needed to wipe and restore his operating system. Talk about ‘not getting it’. I don’t remember what the tech told him, but he was apparently not very happy that this couldn’t be done.
5. Around a year and a bit ago, a person from a local car dealership came in with a laptop that “didn’t work”. Apparently he somehow spilled an entire 600ml Mountain Dew in his laptop and now it “didn’t work” anymore. Unbelievable. Just for the record, it wasn’t covered by warranty.
6. Several month ago, a customer brought in a mouse that was “really hot”. One of the service technicians took it into the back to check it out and as he started using it to see what the deal was, it burst into flames…no kidding. There was some sort of short in the mouse and whatnot, but MAN was that tech surprised. That was replaced under warranty. Never seen that, ever.
7. There’s also a rather strange ‘person’ that has come into our store from time to time. There’s a transvestite who, from the back, looks kind of like a woman but from the front is definitely a guy. The deep voice, the man face and huge man hands don’t add to the illusion of femininity either. I always have a difficult time talking to him…it’s so hard to know where to look; everywhere you look you’re so tempted to stare. Anyway, he came into our store once and our resident “chick magnet” (the 25% of the sales team who seems to talk to 90% of the attractive women in the store) noticed him from behind; long blonde hair and all. I saw what was coming so pretended to be busy and motioned for him to ‘go talk to her’. He didn’t miss a beat and skedaddled over, greeting the customer to our store with his usual bounciness. When the blonde haired guy turned around and said ‘hello’, sounding like Ivan Rebroff, the other salesman almost literally stumbled and fell on his face. It was one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen. Absolutely priceless.

*****

Well, that's enough typing for today! Celebrate the wonderful anniversary this month by coming in and purchasing that desktop or laptop that you've been wanting for so long! It's my last month here and I'm slashing prices for everyone! Come in and I'll GO NUTS! Promise! Until Next Time,

The Armchair Geek

Absolutely Random Insanity...

Tired...10 hour day...computers down...writing every invoice out manually...going crazy...ate too much chicken...watched too much Muppet Show!

Well, today was a crazy-go-nuts day. Head office moved, and that means that our computer system was down all day long. No invoices. No checking on work orders. No checking of prices (or costs) on anything. No nothing. Just writing everything out on a spreadsheet and having to re-enter everything tomorrow morning. What a gong show!

I came home at lunch and some random person called for Captain Insano (roomie #3). You know I'm having a long and draining day when a random person phones my house and I ask them "You're not calling about all the guns in the basement are you?" Apparently he didn't know what I was talking about. That made two of us. Man! I don't have a clue where that comment came from...I tell a lie.

It came from my "booze gland", which is somewhere on the top of my brain stem. Cheryl Dyck, a good friend and medical professional (she once performed a heart transplant on herself!), once explained to me that I have an over-active "booze gland" that secretes chemicals into my brain that make me go nuts and say things that make absolutely no rational sense. It's usually active after I've been awake for like 17-18 hours, so I don't see it's fruits much. Today, my "booze gland" was running as of around 4:00pm. That's bad news. Mouth and brain are officially disconnected...

Anyway, today was weird. Far too many crazy phone calls. I had an asian man come in, but he didn't speak a word of English. He was chatty, but I didn't get a single syllable of what he said. That was really weird; he kept looking at me as if I was understanding him.

Oh, and apparently this one girl has a boyfriend who's going to come in and "tear me a new one" because I didn't replace her ball mouse 'under warranty' when it was simply dirty. I cleaned it and it worked fine, but apparently the boyfriend sent her to get a new one. Seeing as she didn't want to return without one, I sold her a nice optical one for like $10. She came back today to tell me that he's going to come back to our store and kick our butts...over the fact that I wouldn't replace a product that wasn't broken. Apparently he's quite agitated over the whole issue of having to pay for merchandise. If he comes in tomorrow, I'll lay money on the table that I sell him another mouse. HA! What a nutcase. I'll also do my best to mention 'Chuck Norris' 5 times in our conversation.

Life is more fun when you make it into a sport.

Enisferum: Best music for closing up shop.

Until Next Time,

The Armchair Nuck Chizzle

P.S. - I'm a cucumber.