4:17 + 2:14 + 17:9 = I can't sell a computer to you.

No freaking kidding. If you're brain doesn't work, or you rely entirely on your emotional state when making a purchase, I cannot help you. I've had three today that were astounding:

1. One person wanted to get a new, $1,300 laptop and pay it off at $25/month. That's fine...the problem is that she saw the add for "computers for $25/month" and then couldn't understand why she couldn't pay $25 per month and have a $1,300 laptop paid off in 12 months. Is that false advertising? Well, something that is $300 would be paid off in 12 months at $25 per month. Gezz Louise! What do you say to a person who cannot do basic math? "You're an imbecile"? Well, that takes me back to the post on 'fools'. You can't communicate to an fool that he/she's a fool because that's just it; they are fools and cannot understand that they are fools. Foolishness is self-perpetuating like that. Argh!

2. One guy comes in and asks me to speak slower becasue he "has brain damage and cannot think much". Verbatim quote. I'm serious. So, I slowed down my speech and tried to talk to him but he all of a sudden went glassy eyed and up and walked away, mid sentence. Okay? Uh, have a good day? Maybe he had a hankering for a big crunch or something. Hmmm.

3. Some guy who put up all these walls to buying a computer that I slowly worked down. Not enough features? I found him one that had what he wanted. Too much money? I got him his magic number price. Questions about warranty? I answered his questions and his 'tech friend' who tagged along straightened him out too. So his final 'out' to not buy?

"I have a bad feeling about this..."

So I asked him. Is it price? Features? This store? Me? Anything tangible?

He told me it wasn't, but he just couldn't buy a computer without "peace of mind". Well, I almost said something too him (us pastoral types have a hard time holding back at times), but I told him instead that if it's the right deal, then to not trust his heart. How do you know if you're bad feeling is actually food poisoning? You don't. None the less, he didn't buy. He skidaddled.

Hmmm. After much reflection, I figured out what his bad feeling was. The most rational thing I could think of was that he was sensing an impending attack from a Sith Lord. So, I'm not going to worry about him now because he was recently killed by a Sith. Poor guy. At least he could have left a computer to his loved ones. Well, such is the ways of the force. Until Next Time,

The Armchair Geek

Guess who's back?

It's not "Slim Shady". Not even close. It's "Slim Stupid". I just got off the phone with Slim Stupid. Here's the call:

Me: Thanks for calling (store name), this is the Armchair Geek speaking. How can I help you?

Slim: Hey. I just had my computer stolen and I'm wondering if I can get a quote for a replacement.

Me: Well, I can definitely give you an idea. Do you know what kind of computer it was?

Slim: No. I'm not a computer expert.

Me: Okay, if you give me your name or number I can look you up on our database.

Slim: I didn't buy it from you. I hated the store I bought it from because they were idiots and didn't ever help me.

Me: Well, I can definitely help you with a quote. Do you have a copy of your original receipt?

Slim: No.

Me: What store did you buy it from?

Slim: I forget. Why does this matter anyway? Just give me a quote on a replacement computer! Why is this so difficult for you?

Me: Okay. Well, not having the needed information kinda makes things difficult. I can give you a quote, sure, but I need to give you a quote on something specific. If we don't have any sort of specifications to talk about, I could quote you anywhere from$500 to $5,000. I'm guessing your insurance company would not be too excited about that and you'll need some specifications in order to get money from them.

Slim: (Getting very aggressive) Look! I just got off the phone with SGI and they told me that I didn't need anything but a quote. They didn't need an original receipt, nor original number crap. They just needed a price! I can see here that YOU don't want to help me either!

Me: Well, I'm trying to help you Slim. I've done plenty of SGI insurance claims, and I can assure you that they're not going to just give you any amount of money you ask for. You'll need to find out what you had, and that involves some sort of information from your original vendor on the computer. They need to know how much money you originally spent so they can give you something equal in value. If you originally spent $1,000 and I give you a $3,000 computer, SGI won't go for that.

Slim: What?! Well, obviously you DON'T want my f*cking money! Have a nice f*cking day!! (hangs up)

***

Well, chalk one up for the proletariat. They should not be allowed to use phones...although I love calls like this; they give me something to blog when it's slow in the store. Hooray! Until Next Time,

The Armchair Geek

The Form Letter...

Finally, I got that stupid Nigerian form letter scam today. I've always wanted a good scam letter. It was one of the stupidest letters ever. Your dead relative, Mr. X, died in Africa in a plane crash and had 25 million dollars. If you want half, send me back your bank information and whatnot.

What an IDIOTIC letter. So, I sent the following reply:

Dear Don,

I got your e-mail about the plane crash of my relative, whom I've never heard of and know with certainty that I'm not related to. You're quite generous to offer $5,000,000 to someone on the basis of a common last name...that's not suspicious in the slighest. Thanks for the scam letter. Between the bad grammar, bad spelling (you mis-spelled your OWN name) and "This invitation was sent to you by someone who viewed your MSN public profile" disclaimer at the bottom of the e-mail, you're definitely in the running for the trophy of 'stupidest criminal alive'. Now it's true that this scam might work for some people, for there are idiots everywhere, but I'm sure your own relatives will get suckered by you only three or four times. With the money that you raise from robbing your own family, please invest in an elementary school education. May you get caught and spend the rest of your life fighting off the sexual advances of your cellmates,

Dr. Cliff Huxtable.

P.S. - I pinged your IP and hacked your system and sent your idiotic form letter and IP and other personal information anonymously to the RCMP and Interpol. Remember: it's never too late to live in fear.

I'm normally not that mean, but hey! He's a criminal who preys on fools and the elderly. If I could, I'd tattle on him and send him to jail for life. I hate computer criminals...especially the stupid ones. You just KNOW that some friend got them into the 'guaranteed money making' scheme. What a dinglehead. Until Next Time,

The Armchair Nigerian Millionaire.

P.S. - I DID NOT reply to that e-mail from my regular account. I have special e-mail accounts for that kinda stuff...anonymous and whatnot.

Logical argu-whats?

Customer calls on the phone. I tell her about a deal we have on a (top major brand) computer. She retorts, saying "I don't want to buy that (top major brand) computer. You can buy them in other countries and that means they're no good."

Now, I cannot follow that line of reasoning for the life of me. Is that racist? Elitist? Just plain ignorant? I mean, the brand is sold here as well as abroad. Why would you not want a product, simply on the basis that it was exported? I can understand not buying imports, that would be racist. But since when is 'national shame' vogue? Whatever happened to 'buy Canadian' or 'buy America'? I don't get it at all. If anyone has a clue as to what she meant by that, please alleviate my suffering! Until Next Time,

The Armchair Anti-Export Maniac

She Sells Sea Shells By The Lex Store...

Okay okay. Customer and her boyfriend come in yesterday. Printer no workie. Want me fixie. Me take printer and give it a shakie. Printer makes noisy and sounds like a maracca. I suspects that there is somethings that broke off and is jangling around. So, I shakes it and guess what comes out?

a. A piece of plastic?
b. Some paper?
c. Something metal?
d. A Bird?
e. A Plane?
f. Superman?
g. None of the above?

The answer is "g. None of the above". What fell out were sea shells. 3 medium sized sea shells. We then put in a piece of papers and it printeded no problems. So, I turn to the boyfriend and ask "who was trying to label their sea shells with the printer?"

He turns red and she pokes him hard and calls him a 'moron', saying "I told you it wouldn't work!". They both walk out embarrassed out of their trees and I amd left wondering how 3 medium sized sea shells got into the printer. Either way, I suspect it was something stupid that he did not want to admit too and I laugh. Until Next Time,

The Armchair Aquaman

Ho My Goodness!

Customer conversation. For real. BEHOLD:

Customer: Hey, is it possible to see where someone has gone on your computer?

Me: What, with like Internet Explorer?

C: No. With opening programs and things like that. Seeing what documents they've read...that kind of thing.

M: Not easily, at least not that I know of. Why?

C: Well, I had some friends that I'd met a few weeks ago and they were staying at my place while I was gone and I think they got into my banking information.

M: Oh? Why do you think that?

C: Well, they had a week alone in my house with my computer and all my banking information is done on it. The computer saves my passwords so I can just click and get into my banking stuff, and I'm scared that they've gotten into my banking stuff and stolen some money from me.

M: (thinking carefully, choosing words) Okay. Well, have you called your bank?

C: Yes. I changed my passwords and whatnot, but they may have my account information. Can they put a keystroke recorder on my computer and see my new passwords?

M: Well, yes. They could do that, but people who have that kind of knowledge and cajones usually go after businesses and the like. They wouldn't bother with stealing $5,000 from you when there's billions out there to get.

C: Well, that account had like two million dollars in it.

M: (*choke*...suspecting that I'm dealing with some kind of criminal...who else has chequing accounts with two million in them?) Well, if there's any suspicion, we could simply erase your hard drive and re-install windows and then everything that could be on your computer would be erased. All key-loggers and whatnot. That would definitely napalm anything on your computer.

C: Sounds good! Let's do that!

**********************************************

Okay. Holy Freaking Monkey Bums! What kind of person lets people, who he's know for a 'few weeks', crash in his home unattended for a week with his computer which has easy access to around $2,000,000? I was tempted to laugh, but I figured he was a Hell's Angel or some other form of organized crime. (Let's just say he looked the part...). Biz-zarre. Talk about a weird 5 minutes of time. Until Next Time

The Armchair "Talk about being in the Twilight Zone!?" Geek

So, you want everything for next to nothing?

...Uh, yeah. A Customer comes in, looking for a good gaming computer to play a game that isn't even released yet. I check the system specs and show him a system that is $1099 that will do it. His response?

"Well, I only need it for the one game, not every game on the planet. I was thinking of spending around $400. Do you have a good gaming computer for like $400?" (What kind of logic is that? I only need it for one game?)

My response?

"No. There's nothing that costs $400 that would run that game...you need something with a video card to run a huge game like that, and the video card alone would be like $200. You need more horsepower than a $400 system would ever muster."

I then gave him some ideas as to how one could put together a relatively cheap computer and get a decent video card for $800-ish, but he didn't like that option one bit. Apparently, the problem was me, not his silly misinformed ideas.

He left upset and informed me that he was going to go to another store and find someone who could actually serve him and sell him a good gaming computer for $400. I then paused, apologized and told him that I was mistaken. There was a place where he could get a good computer for like $400, but it most likely wasn't worth the $2,000 flight to Dubai.

He didn't like that option either...

Some people are impossible to please! Until Next Time,

The Armchair "I'm going to lie to you to motivate you to buy from me!" Geek

10 Questions I can never answer:

Oh yeah! Another 'top ten' list! This time, I'm going to explain to the unwashed masses that although I'm a 'computer expert' by virtue of simply standing in a computer store, I don't know everything. What's more, some questions are even unanswerable. Here are my favorite ones:

10. Will this do what I need? (Well, seeing as you admit that you don't know what you're going to do with it, I don't have the foggiest idea!)

9. Will this work with my printer/scanner/joystick/camera/fax/Magneto-Resonance Imager? (Well, yes and no. Yes in that as a computer, there is a way to make it work with anything. I've seen a programmer friend write software to make a Nintendo Powerpad control Internet Explorer. No in that as a dinglenut, you most likely will not be able to figure it out. So, I don't know if it will work for you.)

8. So, I'm calling about your add in the paper and I'm wondering how it works. (I get this statement all the time with the people assuming it's some form of question. I cannot answer this statement, since it's not a question.)

7. How much is a Dell (insert 57 digit model number)? (I don't know. Dell doesn't have a store anywhere and we don't sell them. Call Dell to find out their prices!)

6. Is that computer as good as a Dell (insert 57 digit model number)? (Sure. Seeing that after doing some research, that model number you gave me is actually a part number for a master cylinder on a 1987 Plymouth Sundance...?!?)

5. Will that computer run (insert name of nonsense software that doesn't exist)? (I don't know if it will run Norcomtech Intellitsys 23x Alpha. Believe it or not, I have never heard of that software. Please check the 'system requirements on the dang box. Please.)

4. Why doesn't my internet work on this? (Geez. Call your Internet Provider. Plug the ethernet cable into the ethernet port. I've had several people complain that their internet cable...ie. phone line...kept falling out of their internet plug...ie. ethernet port. Maybe you have a virus...or spyware...or your internet isn't even set up...or your router is dropping your signal...or ANYTHING! For the love!)

3. Is this a piece of crap? (I've had that question around 6 times, that I can remember. Some people think that they're witty. Others are idiots in denial of reality. And then others are simply plain RUDE.)

2. How much does a Serbian Tigger weigh? (Uh, I got this one right as I was typing this blog and had to put it in. Uh, do you mean "Siberian Tiger"? I didn't know Tiggers with religious affiliations. Thanks.)

1. My computer is (insert random words, sounds, symptoms, etc.)...what's wrong? (Well, let's see. It was clicking, and didn't run MSN, and crashed when you loaded all your games at the same time? Hmmm...that sounds exactly like oatmeal on the motherboard. Do you have any toddlers around there?)

Oh, and here's a bonus question:

***Where can I get free software?*** (usually accompanied with a timely wink)

Well, working in a computer store and selling things like software, I won't tell you how you can skin me. Also, that's illegal and is called piracy. I won't help you break the law...call me crazy, but that $1,000,000 fine that I'd get for piracy (because I'm a business...remember!) is NOT worth keeping your royal cheapness as a customer. Yes, it's true that I have downloaded every program known to man and have a spindle of around 100 DVD's of hacked, pirated and otherwise illegitimate software. That's because I know how to hack and pirate software. I'm not sharing that with you while I'm at work though...so cry me a river.

Until Next Time,

The Armchair Dave Letterman